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Both me and boyfriend have ptsd. he just left me.

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SuzetteLove

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He is an Afghanistan Navy Vet and I have a Domestic Violence background- both of us with diagnosed PTSD. We've been living together for 4 1/2 years. So many ups and downs with one of us threatening to leave (me) and one of us actually leaving( him). He gets in a bad way and takes off in his truck. He used to threaten to fly off a cliff. That stopped, but he is gone in a much more serious way now. Took barely anything, and barely any contact and real serious talk of breaking up. He's been gone a week. I live alone in a remote cabin in the woods now.

I really wish we had done couples counceling. Communication has gotten so bad, he gets so volitile about everything and so resistant to doing anything I suggest that would be healthy and fun. He spent a fortune on treatment. I do a lot of work on myself...

I don't feel like I can talk to him about the things he is doing to trigger me- I have tried and he called me the "C" word. Basically he would grope me... he used to say "I'm molesting you." Every girls dream right? The grabbing got so bad (especially when he's drunk) and unwanted that I raised my fist to him.. He became really hurt about this- said I was a bad person. This grabbing went on for years and I hated it. I was clear. It usually comes after not being touched for days... Before he left we had several days in limbo. Sleeping in Seperate beds getting through my birthday. Definetly no touch. He got drunk, came in my room and spanked me. I was so starved for affection I knew what it felt like to be a child who misbehaves to get touched at all from a parent. He gave me a sapphire necklace for my birthday.

He left copping to his failure, basically the guilt at not satisfying me, not being able to be a functioning boyfriend has gotten too overwhelming. Says he wants me to be happy and I should move on without him.

I've been doing a lot of reading and finding that all the terrible things he does are PTSD symptoms... the aggressive talk and actions, the lack of social engagement, he is triggered by nature and nice weather. All the things I love and feel neglected that he won't participate in.

I do love the guy. He told me that Im his only friend when he left. He has been a rock for me in a lot of ways and I think he is handsome and sexy. We actually get along except for the PTSD crap and the alcohol. Basically, if he comes back willing to get help together we are a go, but it is actually quite scary thinking about losing him otherwise. He has been my best friend too.
 
I'm sorry but his behavior isn't acceptable in any way. His grabbing you, spanking you, calling you a c*nt are not symptoms of PTSD. They are sick, perverted things that he is doing. I'm not sure how you are in love with this guy either.
 
he called me the "C" word. Basically he would grope me... he used to say "I'm molesting you." Every girls dream right? The grabbing got so bad (especially when he's drunk)
I've been doing a lot of reading and finding that all the terrible things he does are PTSD symptoms..
Erm....nope. I'm not sure where you're finding your reading material, but groping people and holding the opinion that molestation is every girl's dream - definitely NOT on the PTSD symptom list.
 
"I really wish we had done couples counceling." Yup, good thought. Anything less than agreeing to counseling at this point would be a deal breaker. You say he spent a lot on treatment though you say you "work on yourself"... what does that mean and what are or have you been doing for your recovery?

Sounds to me like a mutually dysfunctional relationship and a very unhealthy dynamic in play over the course of your relationship for quite some time.
 
NO!

Those aren't PTSD symptoms.

He is an abusive jerk! And yes, you deserve better.

I still can't get over how he gropes you and then plays the victim when you raise your hand in defense! Hitting isn't right, but you were acting in defense and had every right to do so!
 
Thank you for responses. It is helping. I have been isolated up here with him so it is really easy to just feel rejected.

The line about "every girls dream" was sarcasm. (my default language)...

I am very isolated geographically so the drive is a factor and I cannot afford to do a lot of therapy. I hike about 10 miles a week on the coast. I do self hypnosis, EFT, I journal and have been forcing myself to dance almost everyday. (It's great once I get started). I quit Facebook and I am thinking this site will help. I just started my Master's degree online. I am really pinching my pennies so I can get massages through this.

Even though he can be terrible, he can be great. I think one of the main things is when I was really anxiety ridden I barely ate. He fed me, made omellets every morning, took me out to eat all the time. My anxiety is gone. I also really value how he physically protects me. I was nearly killed by my last boyfriend and he was a stalker type. So his body guard quality has been immeasurably valuable. "In love" with him. No. That is a phrase I would not use to describe my feelings. I love him and am doing my best to navigate through a situation when this man scraped me off the ground from rock bottom. I have really built my life back up with his genuine help.

I have threatened to leave coutless times because of his gross behavour and if I had more money I would not be here. When you have had men (multiple men) stalk you and physically attack you where you see how you could have been killed, it is a little harder to want to be out there on your own. Renting a room feels dangerous when I somehow catch the eye of sociopaths... I also keep dogs because of this, so housing becomes that much harder. Thankfully, I have been planning for this and have built up savings. I know it sounds cliche to throw around the term "sociopath" but that is what I have been dealing with... I think I am much stronger now, and smarter. Please don't shame me on this front. It has been a very confusing, horrible experience.
 
Some of the reading I have been doing- this is from the VA website. "Similarly, Byrne and Riggs (12) found that 42% of the 50 Vietnam Veterans in their study had engaged in at least one act of violence against their partner during the preceding year, and 92% had committed at least one act of verbal aggression in the preceding year. The severity of the veteran's PTSD symptoms was directly related to the severity of relationship problems and physical and verbal aggression against the partner."

I have read (and cannot find the study right now) that verbal abuse with combat Veterans with PTSD goes as high as 97% occurrence- I believe this was from another VA study. I have PTSD but I do not get verbally abusive. It does seem to be a symptom of PTSD for combat Veterans and my theory is that they swear in the military. It is an environment where swearing is a way of communication under stress and it does not translate well when coming home and living in close contact with women. (Just a theory) This all feels like taboo to talk about. But here it is...
 
@SuzetteLove PTSD is never an excuse for bad behavior. That's basically a mantra used here, more often than not. Your boyfriends behavior is not acceptable. What he does TO YOU, is a far cry from verbally losing his shit when he's stressed. Which isn't a great way to deal with stress either. GOOD Coping skills are a way better way than doing what he's doing. I think your losing that here. His behavior isn't appropriate, and yet you defend him by pointing out all of the good things he's done. It doesn't equal out.

Wether you're in love or just love him isn't the issue. The issue seems to be that you don't SEE his bad behavior for what it is.. It's ABUSE!!! Plain and simple. He's abusing you!
 
When you have had men (multiple men) stalk you and physically attack you where you see how you could have been killed, it is a little harder to want to be out there on your own. Renting a room feels dangerous when I somehow catch the eye of sociopaths...
Yes. I totally get what a mental mind f*ck this can be. Attaching to one asshole to get away from others. It's like, only assholes believe me and the crazy stories about when I was stalked, kids almost killed, home invaded over and over again for 3 years. Other people, the kind I WANT to hang out with, just stared at me blankly and said, 'But Shimmerz, who would do that?'

So, I was forced to attach myself to other assholes.... and I knew it at the time on some level because I put up with shit I would never have prior to this stalker, psycho shit that was going on in my life.

because of his gross behavour and if I had more money I would not be here.
And even though you have this conflict going on inside, where you are putting up with psycho behaviour, ^ this is actually, in my opinion, where your heart wants to be. Gone.

So question for you. Do you have any women's centres in your area that may be able to help you find resources so that you can get out of there? Of course, if you need to stay, I totally get it. But even if you need to stay, you can always be making a safety plan for when you are ready to leave. Or if things get out of control there one day and you are forced to leave. With that type of behaviour going on @suzette Love, you don't want to be caught reacting in a non mindful way if you can't tolerate it anymore.

Just a couple of thoughts.
 
@shimmerz Thank you. I was reticent to even look at another reply because it seemed no one really understood. Sure, great, like no one ever tells me I should leave and set boundaries and all that... It is so hard when people blame you for being abused or even talking about it. I had several job situations tell me to stop talking about negative things- I was welcome to come work again, but that some of the women have said that your stories upset them. Oh boo hoo. (my sarcasm coming out again) sorry. I have bought a horse trailer and converted it to a tiny home. I need some more help getting it finished, but I am reaching out to friends to see if I can park it at their place. It will be self contained. I bought a truck to pull it- so me and my dogs, if nothing else, will have a dry warm place even if we have to pay to camp. Option two, is I quit my job, cash my 401 K and move my tiny home on a cheap piece of land in the California Valley. I did all this work at my current home to be ready to work on my master's here but I cannot afford to live here alone, and I am starting to get scared. I took a walk yesterday and the neighbor's brother in law gave me the serious eye. He is living in a motor home on the street, and it is obvious I am alone here now. My boyfriend works with him too, so I am sure everyone knows now.

I saw my boyfriend driving his truck yesterday and we passed each other and waved and my nervous system went through the roof. My legs were shaking hours later. I cannot bump into him, let alone live with him. He would have to come back with serious reformation on his mind- and I really do not think that is possible. I know it is possible to commit to change, and he has access to pretty great services with the VA, but I think he is just boozing it up. I cannot stand the hard liquor anymore- cannot go into another winter with it... it is already raining here. Wish me luck. I am scared. I feel like I need a gun if I am going to be on my own.
 
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