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Boyfriends junky brother is a mootch and their mother is making excuses

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Shadowekat

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I am an EXPAT from Texas living in The Netherlands. I have been with my dutch boyfriend for 6 years and we have been allowed to stay in his moms house, all while paying rent food, phone bills car insurance ect while waiting on a list to find a place. We both pull our weight 50/50 in and out of the home. We stay here in this house while his mom is in another town with a significant other, living there unofficially. Her oldest son, my boyfriends brother, came to us crying last year when his first gf of 4 years broke upwith him because he was gaming and smoking joints too much (hes 31 now. we took him in out of need to allow him to find his own place within a matter of months.
IT got annoying when we realised he never cleaned his own messes, would leave lights on and doors unlocked and would often have blunt and ungrateful remarks to things, which we talked to him about. although that got a bit better, it regressed and we had to tell him again and again until it became a cycle...he would take things without asking, food too of ours, or even a whole loaf of bread upstairs. we had to stop him in his tracks, which eventually forced him to buy his own food..but besides being asked for a measly 50 euros a month he has not offered one cent for the internet, electricity or rent. the rent divided by 3 is 230 euros a month and me and my SO are carrying the weight.
It has been over a year now and he is always here, and his behavior has been unbearable and has treated his mother and brother very rudely and meanly. whenever he was asked to do something or asked for something he would give a bullshit excuse for not doing it or turn things around, after all we have done. He now wants to distance himself from his mother because of being "so hurt" that she did not stop smoking as she promised, yet the hypocrite says this while standing in the backyard smoking a joint saying he could stop when he wanted. He almost threatened to be done with his brother my bf, for refusing to share something with him because he was tired of his childish behavior..he has lost his job and hasnt even paid the 50 euros since april and he was called out on it, apon which he simply told his mother when she came this week, to then kick him out.
I am in a delemma of confusion, dissappointment and anger. if it was up to me he would have been kicked out a long time ago. he uses us and treats his family like shit yet his mother makes excuses for him...she got angry at me saying that i am more worried about the money that hes paying, saying hes a person too and has pain. she kept contradicting herself saying shes not making excuses for him ,yet makes excuses...about the money, she sais we will make it blah blah, i agree we all need to pull our weight but money is the least important thing and also for his brother, (as my bf sat there and said nothing.) i wont kick him out hes my son and his brother, if we kick him out it will be because you put me under pressure and if it goes bad you will get me and (mybf) against you...talk about blackmail..for f*ck sake...
he IS addicted..he needs help...but i call bullshit in her manipulation tactics and unfairness. he needs to get a job and carry his weight or get the f*ck out...
be honest....am i harsh? or am i being manipulated and gaslighted? and about the dutch...is this a cultural thing with money? i feel like this family is the other extreme of greedy (they grew up poor) so whenever i talk about what i think is better finantially 70 percent of the time they accuse me of being a money hog basically or too whiney or just caring about money when i simply dont want to live like just getting by like they had to growing up. could it be some very important fundementals between me and my bf are missing? what about his brother? what can he do to get help? hes in denial and wont admit, and i feel like i am being guilt tripped and duped, and so is my bf. any thoughts? thanks for listening to the rant :P had to get it off my chest.
 
Hi there.

There's really nothing you can do because Mom owns the house and will defend him at all costs. Until you find your own place I think you are stuck with him.

Lock your food up, cancel the cable in his room, etc...

I have found it's impossible to come in between other peoples family issues. My guys family is extremely dysfunctional and I learned to keep my opinions to myself. Just don't involve me in your crazy making...

It seems Mom has coddled him his whole life and will continue to enable him.

Good luck. I feel for you.
 
My heart goes out to you. I live in the states and in my particular state it is very hard to evict a person who is living with you. It can be done, but it is a long, painful process and a very costly lesson. I think you have to take care of you the best you can.

Getting him out of your home, I would check with law enforcement and find out what your legal rights are. If you take this guy on all by yourself you will be in worlds of mental pain, but freeing yourself is probably the best thing you can do at the moment.

If you guy is having divided loyaties, I have gone through a similar situation and I know how painful this is. I encourage you to take the best care of you until you feel strong enough to lay down some strict boundaries if this is what is going to help you.

Good luck in this situation.:hug:
 
You said it best first OP: "we have been allowed to stay in his moms house, all while paying rent food, phone bills car insurance ect while waiting on a list to find a place."

"i wont kick him out hes my son and his brother" - That's right. So for the time being you need to regulate your emotions and get some detachment unless or until your situation changes.

"be honest....am i harsh? or am i being manipulated and gaslighted?" Harsh? Maybe more like really really frustrated for a variety of reasons apparently none of which you can really change at this time. Manipulated or gas lighted? Eh nope.

Maybe I missed it entirely but how does this situation pertain to PTSD?
 
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