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Bpd Momster: Letting Go, Saying Goodbye, Processing, Healing?

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intothelight

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My Momster turned 84 in January and for the past 18 months she has been admitted into 7 psychiatric hospitals and is at this time in number 7. Prior to this she lived in her own home and the ugliness that she is and the attention seeking and drama she created where contained within those walls and kept there, for the most part, by family members. However, once she was no longer there and people out in the world saw her for what she was, all type of problems have ensued.

For myself, I have always known and she is the source of my trauma and the unhealthy ways I learned to navigate relationships, setting the stage for my future damaging relationships. However, along the way, I have recovered in many areas and processed what I can, but this is the final and perhaps the hardest part of the journey.

Intellectually I understand her BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), the behaviors, the impact that it has on children, her resistance to any and all treatment, and how it will never get better. It is who she is, as it governs her thoughts, actions, emotions and behaviors. At some level I "know" this.

However, there is this part of me who always wanted her "mommy's" love, acceptance, praise, comfort and all of the normal things a child craves. As an adult, the honesty, validation of damage and a real apology would be wonderful. Emotionally, I want, need, crave or whatever adjective that is close to these and this is what is causing me such turmoil.

As her financial POA, I have been experiencing far more contact with her, her attorney and her caregivers than I have in many years. Where I could detach and tolerate some limited contact, things are now flooding back (emotionally) and are threatening to derail me. It has already brought a huge rift between my sister and I and I need to cut this at the quick, but what would seem so easy on the surface is not easy at all.

If anyone has any thoughts, experiences or advice to share, it is appreciated. My T retired and I have no desire to start all over with someone new, as it takes time, interviews, and frankly it is not the way I want to spend my time. This has caught me off guard as I thought I was done, better, more resilient, or whatever.

I am discharging my duty as POA within the week as there will be nothing left to do as she will be permanently placed in a home. The final responsibility will be upon her death to write checks to the necessary facilities, people, etc. I have instructed the home not to contact me unless she is dead. I should be able to do this and walk away, with a sense of relief, but that is not what is happening. Guilt, shame, sadness, anger, loss, and a whole lot of emotion that has really surprised me.
 
@intothelight I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, but it shows me that you have strength and compassion, even if you don't want to do any of this. What I hear out of all of this is..... Yes, she is the cause of your trauma, but the bottom line is she was also your mother, it's hard to separate those when your emotions are still involved. It takes time to disengage, sever, cut off, or whatever to be able to not feel.

My mother was one of my abusers too. I walked away from her about 2-3 yrs before she died. She had a brain aneurysm 3 yrs before she died and she became childlike and nasty. Nastier than she already had been. I walked after trying very hard to do the right things for her. When she died, I didn't go to the wake or the funeral.

I don't think that you are there yet. I hear that you want to be, but I hear hope. Hope that she will tell you all the things you want to hear. Hope that she will give you the love that you never got. Hope that things might be different. All very normal feelings with what you are facing. He eventual passing.

All I can suggest is everything you already know. Self care, be kind to yourself, grounding skills, journal, and come here to vent scream or whatever it is that you need to do to help you get through this... we're all here to listen and offer shoulders and Kleenex when needed....
 
I know I was young when I cut ties with my mum, but I came to realise it was something I had to do. It was truly a 'her or me' thing. Her crazy would have killed me, in the end. It's not a thing my famiy ever understood.

I know what my T would say- she talks a fair bit about the mother 'archetype' versus the mother in reality. I think it's hardwired in us to hang on to the archetype of the loving, caring mother, even though in reality not many of us get that. I never regretted my decision to cut contact, but that didn't stop me grieving for what I never had. But I knew my mother was incapable of giving it to me.

For me, what helped was knowing it was what I needed to do. For my mental health, my sanity. She would draw people into her world of crazy until the line between what was real and what was her was impossible to detect. For the longest time after I couldn't accept that I was out of it. I experienced a fair amount of fear that it wasn't real, that I hadn't got free.

It might not have been what was acceptable to society, but society hadn't had to live in her world. I think having society's expectations laid upon you, though, adds massively to the pressure.

It's not something to be ashamed of, or feel guilty about. But it will bring up lots of emotion. You will grieve the loss, if not the loss of your mother, then the loss of the mother you never had.
 
I should be able to do this and walk away, with a sense of relief, but that is not what is happening. Guilt, shame, sadness, anger, loss, and a whole lot of emotion that has really surprised me.

That happened to me when my mom died. I thought "she was a cult leader, I should feel relief" but felt everything but and this little girl inside of me was bawling constantly because our "mommy" was dead.

It's still an issue but one at which I think I have pushed aside.

As for BPD, I have BPD and before I was forced into therapy (yep, forced), I knew something was wrong with me but was TERRIFIED of help. I did search for it towards the end of being in Kansas I did search for help but it was free "therapy"/"counseling" which only served to confuse me more.

Before that i was in denial so I cant really speak to a BPDer that refuses help. In denial it wasn't that much of an issue and I don't think I showed that many signs. I think I have had some sort of emotional deregulatuon but I spent the majority of denial numb, cutting/drugged up when not numb. But I didn't have the degree of emotional deregulation as I do now (or did before the Seriquel XR).

I guess I would say that putting distance is good but let the emotions come as they do. Don't try to push them away or deny them because they aren't as you thought they should be. It helped me to make threads about them as they came and talk it out or write them out as poems and things like that. It also helped to always keep my mind busy with hobbies and pizzle like games and stuff so I didn't have a chance to rumminate and cut etc but otherwise I would most certianly let the emotions come and allow yourself to feel them. They are vaild and you should give yourself permission to feel them like feeling sad that you never got to have a mommy and go through grief. Grief can be for a loss of anything such as a childhood and a parent and a mommy's love.

Hope this helps some.
 
I am glad you will be able to hand off your duties as your Momster. You have done enough, as much as you can, and maintain your sanity (even if you already feel like you HAVE lost your sanity.)

I also think that we all long for the nurturing that we never got. It sounds like you have done a LOT of mental and emotional work to find whatever peace you can in your own family.❤️

I hope it will get easier with time and distance, emotionally and mentally. It IS sad that your sister is causing discord at the worst, and VERY WRONG time!

Blessings and Peace to YOU, in the coming days, weeks and years!❤️
 
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You did all the right things Deb. With BPD that generally doesn't make a difference. Give your self space to grieve and don't judge yourself for having feelings. It really isn't a therapy thing for you. I suspect it might be more of letting it wash over you type of thing. What you are feeling is totally normal - in my humble opinion - all of us Motherless children yearn for what we didn't have - that is being human. Be kind to the human Deb - she is okay.

I know we don't agree on this, but I really do think you went above and beyond the call of duty - to put up with your Mother for so long and throughout so much - and you could give yourself credit for a job well down - the outcome is out of our control, but the doing was not, and you acquited yourself with honour, fairness, kindness, intergrity, honesty and valour. I didn't think your Father was reasonable in asking you to do what he did, but you did it. So give yourself a break for a few minutes. Right to the end you had to be the parent and she continued to be the child.

Well done Deb! Sincerely, I mean that.

Very wise to tell the facility to not contact you unless she is dead. So relieved to be finally reading that sentence.

Please ignore if not useful, this is meant with much care. I struggle to say and express what I want to say. So it is one of those ones, if I don't reply now, I won't. This is too important to not mark this part of the journey.
 
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