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Brainwashing

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shimmerz

MyPTSD Pro
As I work through my trauma-esq issues and come out the other side, I recognize that my having been brainwashed as a child/infant has been and continues to be, a key to recovery.

I was brainwashed to believe:
1. Not to believe myself
2. Not to listen to myself and to accept said behaviour from others
3. To accept 2nd (or last) class behaviours from others (not just verbally)
4. That fighting back is worse than death
5. That death is the outcome of any type of pleasure
6. That no matter how hard I try, I am never good enough
7. That acceptance from other's is the key to my survival
8. That it is better to punish myself than have others punish me
9. That living in a self imposed void is safer than living IRL
10. To accept that I (and ONLY I) am the cause of EVERYTHING horrible that happens

I am certain there are more. Anyone else notice brainwashed patterns in themselves?
 
I was brainwashed to believe that:
Fighting back is wrong, and I will just get hurt worse by fighting the inevitable
That beatings mean someone loves me enough to care about my behavior and attitude
I am not capable of doing anything right, so there is no point in trying
Even if I try to do something, I will fail and everyone will laugh at me, beat me, or just shut me out
Everyone else is more intelligent and informed than I am, so I just need to sit down and shut up and learn from my betters
There is only one way to do anything properly, and I will never find out what that way is
Who I am is unacceptable to God, pastors, parents, peers, and even at times myself
I have a bad attitude about learning (turns out it was PTSD the whole time!)

I'm sure there's more, but those are the one's rattling about in my head at the moment.
 
I was brainwashed to believe. ..
It's not ok to speak my mind because I'll be laughed at or I'll be judged by everyone.
That complements were meant for other people, not me.
That it didn't matter what I said, none would listen or believe me.
That I was ugly and no one would ever want me.
There was no sense fighting off my abuser, or I would just be beat and abused.
Why ask to try new things when I was told I was a Quitter.
That it's just easier to agree with whatever anyone else says than to worry about upsetting anyone.
To accept what others say as gospel, for fear of being "wrong like" always.
When I start to feel like I can do something well, my mom will be sure to point out what's wrong!
Just a few I can think of right now.
 
Nothing I do is good enough.
I'm so disgusting that people can't stand to look at me.
I'm selfish.
I am not worth anything.
I have to trade sex for affection. (still will do this)
My body is a defective object and to be used(I still believe that).
I'm greedy for wanting anything at all for myself.
I should please everyone (never took, they could not be pleased)
I should be ashamed of myself (mom used that exact line).
I cause bad stuff to happen by my presence (one of my alters believes that)
It's right and proper that people treat me poorly (still too passive )
My emotions can get me killed if I show them.
I burden the people who care about me, I should die.
I'm stupid.

...I would ask why they filled my head with this garbage, but I know why...they needed a release for their own frustrations.

...mom's were more psychological, dad's were more sexual. OTOH, there's not too many bigger power trips than to make someone a living sex toy.
 
It just goes to show how deep this stuff runs, that there are things I'd like to add but am still afraid to put in writing on a public forum. :(

Reading this stuff I feel so much compassion for everyone, I just want to hug all of you (except those who don't like that) and reassure you that none of this terrible stuff is true...
 
I never thought of it as brainwashing before, but I keep hearing the message that these are lies that I have learned when I was a little child. That these ideas I have are false. Everything on your list rings so true. And even though I know these are distortions or brainwashing of lies, I can't stop believing them because the problem is I don't believe the challenges even though that's what I strive for. It's a cycle I am stuck in. It helped to see your post @shimmerz though as another reminder that these are not true statements.
 
Pft, plenty of things.

I mostly don't care about the things I believe(d), they're undoable, so many by choice.

I care for things I've done as a result of those beliefs & peer pressure & what not, and how to not jump there again.

Eventually how to not drag people with me. I tend to be persuasive once I'm really decided on something, when morality & truth & rightness don't hold importance for me at the moment.

It's the ambiguity of things I've done & reasons for, and things I haven't, and things I should have and haven't, that eats at me.

Everything else is a matter of time & productive choices, all within my control or influence.

Edited: Ok, one message of it all from multiple parties still bothers me: double bind of 'having limits is unacceptable' & 'you can't do a thing, stop trying'. Both because they led to loss. People still keep working with me on accepting limits as a good thing, as humanity.
 
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that my pain was irrelevant and should not be felt, for the greater good.
I learned another one to similar thing: if you don't let it out and are still hurting? That puts other people at risk. If nothing else because they don't know what's up with you, & can't go about their business as effectively as they could if you worked as a team. Just sharing what worked & not in my life; not that I don't need that reminder about my own stuff more often than not.
 
Eventually how to not drag people with me. I tend to be persuasive once I'm really decided on something, when morality & truth & rightness don't hold importance for me at the moment.
^^^^
So. Much. This. I have a whole separate vault in my bank of guilt for this one.

It's a mobile vault... Likes to roll around and crash into / flatten me when I am choosing not to do something, and not doing a thing, = badness. People say "You've done all you can." f*ck that. Have not. Just because it's not morally acceptable (or legal, or whatever) doesn't mean it doesn't exist, or that I couldn't do it. I have done it. Done it. Mobilized others to assist. Don't tell me I've done everything. I haven't even started "everything". :banghead:
 
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