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Supporter Breathe... Just Breathe

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still_i_rise

Confident
Hello everybody,

My husband has been suffering from PTSD for a while. I just want do everything I can to help him. I'm learning that that sometimes means just standing by and not doing anything in his space. That's hard. Sometimes it's the hardest part.

He's my superman. He's my life. It breaks me to see him hurting and struggling from something I can't do anything about.

I thought I could just be strong and patient. I realized that I can't be enough for him.
I am scared. I am not good at being scared.

I'm that woman that has all her shit together and gets the job done. And now I don't even know what my job is anymore as his wife. Something I used to be able to do effortlessly. It was so easy and natural to provide and support him before. Now I'm at a loss and anxious that I'm doing everything wrong.

I'm that woman that everybody else turns to for help. I suck at reaching out for it in return.

So here I am.

I am hoping to learn how to deal with all of this better. For both our sakes.

Thank you for reading.
 
Breathing is good!
Now I'm at a loss and anxious that I'm doing everything wrong.
My therapist has said (several times) that he'd be interested in meeting the person who could actually manage to do everything wrong. He doesn't think it's possible.

So, how long have the two of you been dealing with PTSD? Is he in therapy? Has something happened recently to increase your stress level?
 
He got diagnosed a couple years ago. I think he's been dealing with it a whole lot longer.
He is seeing a counsellor but we live in a small remote community with few resources. His counselling sessions are not adequate and nor consistent. He has access to phone counselling. He's been reaching out to online supports which I think is great.

There has been a slow accumulation of stress since he lost his job last spring. Since then he's retreated from me. Then he had an online affair with somebody who I considered a friend. He credits her for keeping him alive.

I just feel like a failure.
 
It is so hard, when it is a different world from anything else you've know. I understand your frustration. Please search the forum for other situations like yours. This is a great place. Welcome!

As a sufferer, I got so frustrated that I couldn't solve my PTSD like I could a math equation. What a fine wish, but a ridiculous, and a niave notion!

It sounds like you are doing many things right: caring for him, noticing that this PTSD process ( for both of you) requires lots of small and big adjustments, time, and support-from peers and professionals, to heal.

Having your own counselor or support group may be helpful-both on line and in your community. Alanon gives sound advice, for keeping your self-esteem steady, during the highs and lows. This forum recently recommended a book for relationships; The Ptsd Relationship Bible. You are also on to an important point: we can't "fix" others. We can help ourselves cope, we can choose to be in relationships, using the healthiest dynamics we can find.

You are a good person and a good mate. You are doing enough, just being yourself. Take care, stay in touch, and be patient. :)
 
That's quite a lot to deal with. And, I can relate to the geographic issues. (I'm driving 2 hrs one way to see my T these days.)

It sounds like it would benefit you to have someone to talk to to help you deal with your own situation. I think quite a few of the supporters here are seeing therapists of their own, to help them deal with the stress and understand what's going on in their relationships. That might be difficult, where you live, but you need and deserve support of your own. I'm sure you can get some of that here too. There's a great group of supporters and I'll bet many of them have experiences that are similar to yours.

It sounds like you feel like fixing everything is part of your "job description". It doesn't have to be that way. That can be kind of hard on you and actually, in some ways isn't doing any favors for those you feel responsible for. Take care of yourself first. Then you'll be around to help others.

Welcome to the forum and I hope you find it useful. I sure have.
 
Thank you Saetva for the book recommendation and your kind words.

I hear you about wishing this disease could be solved like a math equation.
 
Scout86 - Thanks for your support.
It sounds like you feel like fixing everything is part of your "job description". It doesn't have to be that way. That can be kind of hard on you and actually, in some ways isn't doing any favors for those you feel responsible for. Take care of yourself first. Then you'll be around to help others.
I know. That's what I tell everybody else. To take care of themselves first. I so suck at taking my own advice :p

I will think about finding my own supports and therapy. Just reaching out to this group is kinda scary. Even though I have been part of other online support forums for other things. For some reason this is particularly scary and unnerving.
 
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