Five weeks into therapy and I was pleased at how it was going. Then I made the ridiculous, basic level self protection mistake of telling her how distressed I'd been by having to watch that film. That I'd been so tempted to use the emergency handle on the door and throw myself out, that I'd been physically frozen afterwards for over an hour, that as I unfroze my immediate instinct was to look for a way to die. That it was only the fact there were others there, on holiday, who I couldn't distress, that stopped me. That afterwards I was planning how and when to walk under a vehicle.
That nearly a week later I was still thinking about taking too many pills, and listening to a reputable CBT talk tipped me into desperate self-loathing because it's always all my fault.
So she said we might need to suspend therapy, and certainly not move on until I was less at risk of being shot so fast into hyper arousal. She seemed most bothered by me not being able to ask for help/protection and not seeing my family as the reason to live. But they knew that: I'd told them repeatedly that I don't recognise when things are getting too hard until i find myself acting to escape, by reasonable or unreasonable means. I said so, and she had no response. I said I'd told them that I didn't believe I could safely tackle it as an out-patient because of this. I explained how I was focussing on making sure I didn't take anyone else with me.
She was also worried because I'd told her at the end of the last session that I hadn't been fully there, and she had not seen any sign of this. I said I'd been told before that I sit there looking composed and answering and not giving any sign of what lies beneath.
I'm so frustrated that I went into this knowing the gamble I was taking, and judging it to be worthwhile, and I thought they all knew too. I thought telling them was enough for them to know, and I've been telling them for over a year.
On a practical basis we are gong to try a slight change to the way I travel to the session, and if that doesn't help. possible a new location.
That nearly a week later I was still thinking about taking too many pills, and listening to a reputable CBT talk tipped me into desperate self-loathing because it's always all my fault.
So she said we might need to suspend therapy, and certainly not move on until I was less at risk of being shot so fast into hyper arousal. She seemed most bothered by me not being able to ask for help/protection and not seeing my family as the reason to live. But they knew that: I'd told them repeatedly that I don't recognise when things are getting too hard until i find myself acting to escape, by reasonable or unreasonable means. I said so, and she had no response. I said I'd told them that I didn't believe I could safely tackle it as an out-patient because of this. I explained how I was focussing on making sure I didn't take anyone else with me.
She was also worried because I'd told her at the end of the last session that I hadn't been fully there, and she had not seen any sign of this. I said I'd been told before that I sit there looking composed and answering and not giving any sign of what lies beneath.
I'm so frustrated that I went into this knowing the gamble I was taking, and judging it to be worthwhile, and I thought they all knew too. I thought telling them was enough for them to know, and I've been telling them for over a year.
On a practical basis we are gong to try a slight change to the way I travel to the session, and if that doesn't help. possible a new location.