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But You Knew This...

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Sandstone

MyPTSD Pro
Five weeks into therapy and I was pleased at how it was going. Then I made the ridiculous, basic level self protection mistake of telling her how distressed I'd been by having to watch that film. That I'd been so tempted to use the emergency handle on the door and throw myself out, that I'd been physically frozen afterwards for over an hour, that as I unfroze my immediate instinct was to look for a way to die. That it was only the fact there were others there, on holiday, who I couldn't distress, that stopped me. That afterwards I was planning how and when to walk under a vehicle.

That nearly a week later I was still thinking about taking too many pills, and listening to a reputable CBT talk tipped me into desperate self-loathing because it's always all my fault.

So she said we might need to suspend therapy, and certainly not move on until I was less at risk of being shot so fast into hyper arousal. She seemed most bothered by me not being able to ask for help/protection and not seeing my family as the reason to live. But they knew that: I'd told them repeatedly that I don't recognise when things are getting too hard until i find myself acting to escape, by reasonable or unreasonable means. I said so, and she had no response. I said I'd told them that I didn't believe I could safely tackle it as an out-patient because of this. I explained how I was focussing on making sure I didn't take anyone else with me.

She was also worried because I'd told her at the end of the last session that I hadn't been fully there, and she had not seen any sign of this. I said I'd been told before that I sit there looking composed and answering and not giving any sign of what lies beneath.

I'm so frustrated that I went into this knowing the gamble I was taking, and judging it to be worthwhile, and I thought they all knew too. I thought telling them was enough for them to know, and I've been telling them for over a year.

On a practical basis we are gong to try a slight change to the way I travel to the session, and if that doesn't help. possible a new location.
 
not seeing my family as the reason to live.

I've never been able to do this - see (or, in those moments, feel ) my family as a reason to live. I told my new therapist this a month ago - that when I feel like I want to die I just don't care. I usually have, maybe, a feeling like you did - I don't want to distress others.
And, now I've come to feel that dying is not a solution. Or, just a temporary solution.

I hope your therapist will find a way to work with you now that she is learning and seeing what you told them in the beginning really looks like. Sorry it's frustrating, seems like you're waiting for them to catch up to what you already know. Your communication is what it will take for them to know what is going on and you are letting them in on what's happening.

All the best in getting the help you need.
 
I'm a little confused about "suspending therapy". It seems to me that now is exactly when you need to be in therapy - maybe extra therapy....but not to work on the past, rather to figure out 1) how to know when you've been triggered and/or are dissociating, 2) how to communicate this to your therapist; 3) how to ground yourself in order to be safe; 4) how to "generalize" this to your every day life.

I offer this as someone who has experienced the same sensations...and everything I've described above can happen. I've recently started seeing a new therapist (well, it's been 3 months, but I tend to be slow at these things) and we're slowly diving into the trauma. When I "check out", I look like everything is fine - but my brain is gone. At my last session, I was able to actually say "I don't understand" - and she questioned - and I was able to clarify that I understood that she was speaking and I understood the words themselves, but not the words all put together - and she got it (because I certainly couldn't explain it any better)...so we backed up... a lot...got grounded and present. And then, I kind of got it - I can go into this stuff and come back out...but it's slow and it sucks...but I can do it...and my brain is being "retrained".

I hope this makes sense and maybe helps a bit.
 
I had a similar situation with Prolonged Exposure therapy and an inexperienced therapist, it took a few weeks or even months to get things back on track and in perspective. I agree she should suspend the therapy thats causing the hyper arousal , it serves no purpose if it puts you in further danger.

I would also not listen to therapy tapes or anything until such time as the issue is under control - adding to your hyper arousal even though you may think it will help is simply deadly - one thing many trauma therapists seem to negate is the fact you need to be very masterful at managing your symptoms before you can embark on any therapy that can result in severe reactions.

Find a different focus...i know its near impossible when your in this state , but shut the door and only open it when your in a safe place, until such time as your fully aware of any blowback that can come from it. This may sound strange but what i would suggest is finding an outdoor location "in the forest or similar and have a session there - seriously - i actually used to provide counselling for long term addicts and one thing i would do from time to time is switch the location outdoors to a quiet and safe place in the forest, on the beach etc - it would work wonders in looking at things from different perspectives
 
Stenni if your comment was honest how was it a mistake?
Well, she hadn't known I was going away, so she didn't need to know what had happened during the trip. I suppose my instinct and experience are that it s better to keep the sections of my life in their own compartments. And if I hadn't told her I wouldn't have had the consequent problems.

I'm a little confused about "suspending therapy". It seems to me that now is exactly when you need to be in therapy - maybe extra therapy....but not to work on the past, rather to figure out 1) how to know when you've been triggered and/or are dissociating, 2) how to communicate this to your therapist; 3) how to ground yourself in order to be safe; 4) how to "generalize" this to your every day life..
I'm still not wholly convinced that what I do is dissociating, as it seems more deliberate than people describe. It's more like a chunk of my brain concluding that concluding that the current events aren't important, so it will step aside and hum to itself until needed. But it is something that I cultivated after the OD last year.
 
At my last session, I was able to actually say "I don't understand" - and she questioned - and I was able to clarify that I understood that she was speaking and I understood the words themselves, but not the words all put together
I think I 'm so aware that this is time limited that on top of the normal desire to protect myself, I simply don't want to waste time. I'm relying on being able to recall enough to read up the theory afterwards.
 
Link Removed talk tipped me into desperate self-loathing because it's always all my fault.
Yes I find this is an issue for me too. Makes me hate myself that I cannot do what I am supposed to do.
I thought telling them was enough for them to know
It's not. Especially if they don't know you well, and especially if you don't provide specific examples, an especially if they do not understand how what's happening on the inside can look utterly different from what's happening on the outside. I don't know your trauma story, but I'll say that I became very practiced from very young on to make my outside look pretty normal no matter what. I got so good at it that I lost the whole inside of my self for years until I had a meltdown.
t's more like a chunk of my brain concluding that concluding that the current events aren't important, so it will step aside and hum to itself until needed.
Dissociation can take a lot of forms. It can be voluntary or involuntary. Sometimes we have parts of ourselves that are convinced it is voluntary even when it isn't. Does that make any sense at all?
 
Alarming! How do you know which it is?
That, my dear, is the big question for me. It is what sends me spiraling into a vortex of self-hate. Here's how it goes:

1. Can I control this? When a part of me answers, "Yes, I CAN," and I'm not doing it, then it must be all my fault. (This is my usual loop). Then that makes me hate myself which gets me more aroused and distracted by all kinds of thoughts to such an extent that I shutdown or get self-destructive...which then starts the loop again or shifts me into loop #2.

2. When a part of me answers, "No, I guess I can't really control it, at least not all the time," this also makes me hate/blame/be angry with myself because other parts of me feel I absolutely SHOULD be able to control it but this part knows I cannot. This gets me either more aroused or shuts me down out of fear of acknowledging that I can't control myself as I would like to/used to be able to, and it sends me back into the same loop, or into loop #1.

This is sort of like an internal double-bind for me. Yesterday, I finally made the decision to apply for disability from work...this is a huge and very, very frightening and upsetting decision for me...but it is my attempt to break the chokehold of loops #1 and #2 (among others) above. Something in me is telling me that if I don't do something dramatic, I will end up truly losing control either by hurting myself, or by getting so physically sick that decisions will be out of my control. So...I'm taking control by making a decision to take time off from work to do more therapeutic stuff. I have no idea if I am making the right decision...but for me at least, it is a healthier choice than staying stuck in/drowning in these perpetual loops that overtook me a little over a year ago.
 
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