AlreadyDead
New Here
Hello, I'm new to this forum and I'd first like to comment about my name. It goes back to my early internet days (1990, before windows). It just shows how long I've really felt this way.
I was 15 yrs old in 1990, and was a victim of sexual abuse at the age of 5. By the age of 7, I was a purpetrator unto my 2 year old half sister and continued until she was 13. I feel immensely ashamed to the point where i've had so many suicide attempts that I've lost count. I stopped that behavior but thanks to porn on the internet, it fed me a new addiction that ultimately helped destroy my marriage. I've stopped that behavior, and picked up substance abuse, and now I'm reeling from an addiction that I fear will drive me to another attempt.
I can't even remember how many suicide attempts I've had, too many to count. I have scars on both arms from cutting numerous vains with a utility knife one time, I've had my stomach pumped 3 times, and have had a 12 gauge shotgun in my mouth one time and was never able to pull the trigger. I've tried hanging, suffocation, and drowning, and yet through all these I live. Quite frankly, it upsets me when each time I have failed.
I went into the Army from 94-98 as an infantryman, though I never saw combat, I had 6 or so attempts during that time.
I married 3 years after I left the military, and it was a volitile marriage from the beginning. I have 2 daughters ages 18 months and 5 years old. During my marriage I was abusive physically, verbally, and emotionally. I opened up to my former wife and she was the first person I ever told about my sexual abuse and abuse to my sister. This after she confronted me about my porn addiction. We struggled through out the marriage and we both have domestic violence convictions.
I left a year and a half ago, moved across the U.S. for a year. I turned to drugs, got into an altercation with my estranged father (whom I hadn't seen in over 10 years) and did some jail time there. While in jail I was served my divorce papers and a PPO(personal protection order). The divorce was defaulted because I wasn't able to contact the court. As a result, my visitation with my children was withheld and I ended up paying a rediculous amount for child support. I Couldn't keep a job for more than 2 months and 3 more attempts later I returned home to family and one friend.
The former wife allowed me to talk to my oldest daughter over the phone during this time and when I returned home she allowed me to see my children at my mother's house. I filed a motion to terminate the PPO and was arrested in court for violating the PPO via phone contact. I served 37 days in jail and all I could think about was death. I'm now on probation for 5 years (cruel punishiment I think), and I just got served another PPO from the ex-in-laws.
The ex is making my life very difficult by not allowing me to see my children and setting me up to goto jail for any possibility. I feel right now my life is spiraling out of control, and I fear I might have fallen to deep into the hole to crawl out. I feel so numb... so empty inside and bad thoughts are filling my mind increasingly often. I not sure how much more I can take! I'm currently abusing drugs, owe large sums of money for child support, can't keep a job for more than 3-4 weeks and I'm losing hope fast... A cry for help, but not sure which way to go..
I appologize if this post violates the rules, but I've said I what I needed to.
I was 15 yrs old in 1990, and was a victim of sexual abuse at the age of 5. By the age of 7, I was a purpetrator unto my 2 year old half sister and continued until she was 13. I feel immensely ashamed to the point where i've had so many suicide attempts that I've lost count. I stopped that behavior but thanks to porn on the internet, it fed me a new addiction that ultimately helped destroy my marriage. I've stopped that behavior, and picked up substance abuse, and now I'm reeling from an addiction that I fear will drive me to another attempt.
I can't even remember how many suicide attempts I've had, too many to count. I have scars on both arms from cutting numerous vains with a utility knife one time, I've had my stomach pumped 3 times, and have had a 12 gauge shotgun in my mouth one time and was never able to pull the trigger. I've tried hanging, suffocation, and drowning, and yet through all these I live. Quite frankly, it upsets me when each time I have failed.
I went into the Army from 94-98 as an infantryman, though I never saw combat, I had 6 or so attempts during that time.
I married 3 years after I left the military, and it was a volitile marriage from the beginning. I have 2 daughters ages 18 months and 5 years old. During my marriage I was abusive physically, verbally, and emotionally. I opened up to my former wife and she was the first person I ever told about my sexual abuse and abuse to my sister. This after she confronted me about my porn addiction. We struggled through out the marriage and we both have domestic violence convictions.
I left a year and a half ago, moved across the U.S. for a year. I turned to drugs, got into an altercation with my estranged father (whom I hadn't seen in over 10 years) and did some jail time there. While in jail I was served my divorce papers and a PPO(personal protection order). The divorce was defaulted because I wasn't able to contact the court. As a result, my visitation with my children was withheld and I ended up paying a rediculous amount for child support. I Couldn't keep a job for more than 2 months and 3 more attempts later I returned home to family and one friend.
The former wife allowed me to talk to my oldest daughter over the phone during this time and when I returned home she allowed me to see my children at my mother's house. I filed a motion to terminate the PPO and was arrested in court for violating the PPO via phone contact. I served 37 days in jail and all I could think about was death. I'm now on probation for 5 years (cruel punishiment I think), and I just got served another PPO from the ex-in-laws.
The ex is making my life very difficult by not allowing me to see my children and setting me up to goto jail for any possibility. I feel right now my life is spiraling out of control, and I fear I might have fallen to deep into the hole to crawl out. I feel so numb... so empty inside and bad thoughts are filling my mind increasingly often. I not sure how much more I can take! I'm currently abusing drugs, owe large sums of money for child support, can't keep a job for more than 3-4 weeks and I'm losing hope fast... A cry for help, but not sure which way to go..
I appologize if this post violates the rules, but I've said I what I needed to.