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General Can An Abuser Forget That They Abused?

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Alex00

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Hi all,

Currently trying to figure this one out. My wife's abuser insists to her family that he cannot now remember the most serious incidents of abuse he committed 20 years ago. He remembers the terrible but legally speaking less serious incidents. The thing is he admitted to them ALL at the time.

I understand him blacking out being found out etc but is it possible for someone to completely forget abusing someone? I know that this can happen to victims. Now my wife's family are saying (if you can believe it) that the trauma her abuser experienced in committing the act made him blank it out! (it's nice how they take his side even though their is no doubt about what he did). Surely it wasn't a traumatic moment for him so this is not the reason.

I think he is full of BS but the reason I ask is if this is possible then it brings up more worries. I mean what if he continues to have these "black outs" which result in further abuse to others. The police now think he is low risk which I think is ridiculously (at the time they interviewed him for under 10 mins, he admitted everything, multiple counts of multiple acts and they gave him a CAUTION!!). Supposedly they believed all the crap he told them in not being a respectable citizen and not being a risk anymore but in not remembering that makes the risk high as even, if by chance, he is telling the truth to the best of his ability then there are still gaps which they cannot account for.

Does anyone have any insight into this, is he actually suffering from some kind of amnesia that he really should get checked out or is he just lying and trying to play the victim as per usual?
 
I... think that the mind is not fully knowable (yet?) and amnesia and blacking out are certainly real things. Abusers usually begin as victims, too. So, for me, I do think it's possible. That doesn't make it right or justified, though. That's the rub of abuse/victim cycles... Everyone loses.
 
There's research that says it's entirely possible for someone to be traumatised by their own abusive actions, so he may be experiencing symptoms of traumatisation. He may also be lying. It's also possible he admitted to what he had done in order to be treated more leniently by the authorities but doesn't consider he committed the offences.

It may be worth thinking about why his acknowledgement is so important to you now after such a long time and working through that because you'll not easily get him to admit something he's so strongly denying.
 
What is the benefit for him of not remembering? I didn't understand that part - you mean he is getting out of prison early or something because he claims to not remember? I think it is completely possible, but it's just as possible that he's full of crap. If he was abusing drugs or alcohol back when the trauma occurred, I'd be inclined to believe him. But if not, I'm not so sure.
 
There is a possibility of DID. But you know, I don't buy it, because DID means an inaccessible 'part/s' of the person that cannot be accessed unless they are in that/those parts again. He wouldn't remember the things that were illegal - because parts don't know the difference from legal and illegal because it is a subconscious thing. So no, after typing this out, I really don't buy it. I will call it a manipulation.

Victims of abuse especially try to 'understand' why the abuse happened. Locks them up sometimes for their whole lifetime. So this guy is busy gaslighting his victims with the old conflicting emotions thing. 'I don't remember so you can't hold me accountable.' So victims get into delusional thinking. 'Well, it doesn't happen ALL the time and he is trying to take responsibility.'

The thing is, this board is filled with people who are taking responsibility for their actions, whether they remember or not. Whether it was their fault that they react in violent ways or not. Victimizers are just that - until they put the hard work into taking responsibility for everything that they have done and try to correct it.

In the meanwhile, the victims of this guy need to be working on what it is about this guy that has them hooked. Why they are being delusional about their expectations that this guy is deserving of being given the benefit of the doubt.
 
He wouldn't remember the things that were illegal - because parts don't know the difference from legal and illegal because it is a subconscious thing.

I don't buy it. Unless one is compromised in other ways - substances or truly bad physical distress, the ingrained (to that point in life) line of legal vs illegal doesn't magically disappear, not even if you're D.I.D., however badly.

Or, to simplify: No, *D.I.D.* alone just doesn't *do that*, spreading that idea is unhelpful.
 
So no, after typing this out, I really don't buy it. I will call it a manipulation.
I don't buy it... No, *D.I.D.* alone just doesn't *do that*, spreading that idea is unhelpful.
@Cashew - I just wanted to point out that @shimmerz was already in agreement with you.
Does anyone have any insight into this, is he actually suffering from some kind of amnesia that he really should get checked out or is he just lying and trying to play the victim as per usual?
If he were honestly concerned about these 'lapses' in memory, he'd probably be interested in getting himself checked out. But the way you wrote it, sounds like a convenience for him, more than a medical problem. So, is it possible? Sure. But does it matter? I personally don't think so. As long as there's one person who remembers, then it happened.
 
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