this is my first time on any kind of forum or such, please excuse my little knowledge or lack thereof. i don't know what exactly to say so i'll do what i can.
i'm currently 17 and living with my adoptive parents who pretty much live in the dark when it comes to the following topics. i've never had someone i could sit down and open up my aching heart to until last year when i met my (now) ex-girlfriend. i feel phony talking about this because i haven't been diagnosed and the few that know of my insanity probably hate me. when i was 8 i went kayaking with a good friend and his brother. my friend and i haven't talked about this in years but on our trip we, should i say, stumbled upon the body of a poor man who suffered by ways of a gang initiation. i remember the whole day in it's entirety but the timeframe of right before, during, and right after are what are ingrained in my mind. days and weeks after that trip seemed to melt by but i didn't have any hallucination or visions for say a month. the first time i saw him, the figure, it changed how i live my life. it's been many years since said event has happened but the poor man still visits my conscious once and a while. i've had close friends suffer from depression and end up taking their life as a 'solution'. lets just say it adds to the list of who i see in the mirror and who shows up in my ever so wonderful nightmares. when i started high school, i wound up in a traumatic bond of a relationship that Thankfully only lasted 4 months. i don't know what is wrong with me but i know if i keep isolating myself together with what i see then i'll eventually succumb to the darkness that entwines my quiddity.
i know those of you who read this did so on their precious time and to you i give my blessings. this is just me looking for help to grasp what i don't know about myself. thank you <3
i'm currently 17 and living with my adoptive parents who pretty much live in the dark when it comes to the following topics. i've never had someone i could sit down and open up my aching heart to until last year when i met my (now) ex-girlfriend. i feel phony talking about this because i haven't been diagnosed and the few that know of my insanity probably hate me. when i was 8 i went kayaking with a good friend and his brother. my friend and i haven't talked about this in years but on our trip we, should i say, stumbled upon the body of a poor man who suffered by ways of a gang initiation. i remember the whole day in it's entirety but the timeframe of right before, during, and right after are what are ingrained in my mind. days and weeks after that trip seemed to melt by but i didn't have any hallucination or visions for say a month. the first time i saw him, the figure, it changed how i live my life. it's been many years since said event has happened but the poor man still visits my conscious once and a while. i've had close friends suffer from depression and end up taking their life as a 'solution'. lets just say it adds to the list of who i see in the mirror and who shows up in my ever so wonderful nightmares. when i started high school, i wound up in a traumatic bond of a relationship that Thankfully only lasted 4 months. i don't know what is wrong with me but i know if i keep isolating myself together with what i see then i'll eventually succumb to the darkness that entwines my quiddity.
i know those of you who read this did so on their precious time and to you i give my blessings. this is just me looking for help to grasp what i don't know about myself. thank you <3