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Relationship Can This Be Saved? Trust Has Been Broken.

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Hojay

MyPTSD Pro
After nearly two years with my love, where he has always been hopeful, trying and doing everything he could, telling me he loved me more than anything, he has now expressed that he has lost hope that we can be together.

He says I don't let him calm down, don't give him space when he needs to (after he's attacked me and been very unkind.) I have done my very best to work on my patience, but I do relapse into calling him or writing him when he said he needs to calm down, or missing the boat and keep talking when he can't. He says that causes him unrelenting flashbacks and he can't be subjected to that anymore.

I've had a hard time taking the blame for him having flashbacks but I am willing to concede that me getting in touch with him when I shouldn't is damaging. I'm doing and trying everything I can. But now that he has basically lost hope it can work, I don't know how to position myself anymore.

Have anyone of you been there - your sufferer losing faith in you like that? Did you come back from it?
 
Yes, mine withdrew, cut me out more, said I was making things worse, lashed out at me about my flaws that suddenly had now appeared, eventually stated despite feeling like there was a gap in her life she "wasn't into this right now" and we've basically broken up as a result of it.

She still talks to me (she was the one who sought me out when I left her to it and gave her space), claims I am still the most important person in her life, but ultimately we broke up. My trust is pretty much broken now, with some outside issues relating to a "friend" who basically controls our interactions at this point I don't really know whether I trust what she is saying from one moment to the next.

Sorry it's not a positive reply, I don't know what will happen down the line but, it could well be done.
 
After nearly two years with my love, where he has always been hopeful, trying and doing everything he cou...
It is entirely possible that he can change his mind and regain his hope. People do it all the time, especially sufferers, who have completely different states of mind between triggered and non-triggered times. Do you think you could give him the space that he needs for as long as he needs it? Is that something you are willing to do? Is your relationship with him worth it? Or do you think you could be happier with someone else who didn't require these periods of space? That is something all of us supporters must figure out. ;):):hug: hugs to you.
 
Do you think you could give him the space that he needs for as long as he needs it?

Thank you for the support, it makes everything look a bit less bleak, at least for now. Yes, I think I could give him the space for as long as he needs. I just have to get over my feeling of unfairness when he retreats after going after my weak spots, basically not letting me defend myself or seek reassurance. It's so hard to do, but I think I could if I feel like our status quo of trust is restored. My relationship with him is worth it, but right now it's almost too much to bear that HE has lost trust in ME after everything I have done to support him. It just all seems so unfair. I'm seriously broken hearted that he is now basically opting out. I never thought he would do that...
 
It is unfair @Hojay, very unfair, all of it. It's unfair on them that they have to suffer PTSD and it's unfair on your that you have to be the recipient of the rage at all their excess stress. It's even worse that they just drop us out of the blue, I understand it's a coping mechanism but at the end of the day its us left picking up what is left of our self esteem and broken hearts. Even if they don't mean it, they must realise in the cold light of day how hurtful it is to just be abandoned like that and made to feel like you're constantly at fault and like you've betrayed them.

It's a ton of pressure, I really feel for you.
 
Even if they don't mean it, they must realise in the cold light of day how hurtful it is to just be abandoned like that and made to feel like you're constantly at fault and like you've betrayed them.

Yes, so very true. I do understand that he is at the end of his rope, not knowing how to solve our problems, needing to protect himself from his triggers. But him now saying I am untrustworthy is a full kick in the gut. I have been so patient with his outburst, put up with truly unacceptable stuff at times, done my very very best to be more patient while at the same time standing up for myself. I'm only human. And now he gives up.

Sorry you sound so familiar with this problem. Looks like we're in the same boat. I know how much it sucks...I really do.
 
Unfortunately there is no real happy ending with mine, we're not together any more, we still talk but I am fairly close to terminating that because of somebody else in her life, regardless of her claims that I am still the most important person in her life.

You have to think what is best for you, can you put up with this behaviour long term? You must put yourself first.
 
I'm really sorry to hear that @TheMinsterman. It's even more confusing when it's so progressed but she's not letting you go. I think in any situation, PTSD or not, that is rude and disrespectful, and it looks like someone has succeeded in making you believe you somehow deserve that treatment. You're totally right in saying you have to put yourself first.
 
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Yes, so very true. I do understand that he is at the end of his rope, not knowing how to solve our problems, needing to protect himself from his triggers. But him now saying I am untrustworthy is a full kick in the gut. I have been so patient with his outburst, put up with truly unacceptable stuff at times, done my very very best to be more patient while at the same time standing up for myself. I'm only human. And now he gives up.

I feel you, too. Five, almost six years, of marriage, no "diagnosis" of PTSD until the last six months, though now that I have more knowledge, and retrospect, so much of our relationship was defined by PTSD. And because of triggers that he admits just happened at the wrong time, I'm still untrustworthy and he's done.

To him, everything has always been bad in our relationship, now. Three months ago, the biggest trigger happened in our marriage counseling, when he admitted he needs, wants, and loves me, and can forgive me anything. Then a misunderstanding (he thought I said something I didn't actually say while telling me something very important to him) triggered him to...nothingness, and is unforgivable.

So now, after seven years of living together, almost six of marriage, of trusting him when he said he wouldn't run, like he did in every other relationship he's had (remember, still didn't know about Complex PTSD), he runs. And the only thing I can do is move on. Deal with the aftermath. Change my name back (he doesn't remember right now how big of a deal that was for me, to change my name for him, how big of a show of trust on my part). Pick up the pieces.

Because I'm not worth it, and he doesn't want to get help. And all I can do is let him run away. All while feeling awful for him because he does have enough of a sense of responsibility to realize he can't just dump me without anywhere to go (I only work part time, because he preferred that, and we don't have any savings to speak of, and months left on our lease), so he can't get the solitude he needs.

Sorry I don't have anything positive for you, either, Hojay. Today is not a good day for me, and today I'm done with mental illness and PTSD (even though I have my own mental illness to deal with), and just...today, I want to run, too.
 
I'm really sorry to hear that @TheMinsterman. It's even more confusing when it's so pr...

In my situation the issue is she has a controlling and abusive friend who literally dictates our conversations, even tonight he's sending messages to me on HER phone (tonight it's "I'm having a ball of a time" with a photo, so clearly designed to annoy me and say look how much fun I have with him) and is obsessed with what we are saying. Subsequently I don't feel like we've ever really talked or processed what has happened between us properly, it's always been staggered and in stages.

She may very well just want a break and for me to be in her life, but we can't really discuss it or establish where either of us stands because of his obsession with what we're talking about, she has to delete he messages, hide her phone etc. I would hope most of the couples on here haven't got similar obstacles to communication because I've had the double whammy of PTSD AND an obsessive person, so been a bit of a bugger really.

So don't take my situation as necessarily a doom bell for yours, though of course the points about self-care still stand.

Before all this personally mine was dependant on length of downward spells, before this one she had the odd day or two that may be a bit bad, but then it would clear up so the attitude etc never became an issue because I can take the odd bay day, we all have them, PTSD or not.

I'd say maybe just think how long you're willing to be spoken to and treated this way, it's very upsetting and with no breaks to reassure you that it's the PTSD and they'll try to not lash out etc it's just going to grind you down and wear you out. Spells are ok, prolonged ones with no gaps and constant abuse and distrust are less so. You deserve to be supported and reassured by your partner too, it can't just be a one way street forever where you take abuse, like so many on here say would you put up with this if your partner didn't have PTSD?

I suspect most of us would say of course not, it may help understand why they feel the way they do and why they say these things, but it's not excuse to not try to work on it, even if that involves isolating themselves and removing themselves from the situation if they feel these comments coming on or you removing yourself before they can really lay into you.
 
Because I'm not worth it, and he doesn't want to get help.

This is the thought that hurts the most, and the one that needs the deepest work...for me at least. It's hard to see it that way once one has become so entangled (6 years for you, of course you're entangled!) and thoughts about what we could have done better pop up. It's so, so hard, but it's important to remember that it is never about our worth. Even when they are not sick, which they are, it is always infinitely more complex than our limited minds can fathom. It's never just "I was not worth it" - even more complex when PTSD is involved, which is a real mind-bender that truly can't be explained by us "not being worth it." I know this helps so little when in the midst of it...but it's true nonetheless. Hugs, if you accept them. I feel for you and your heartbreak more than you can imagine...

@TheMinsterman how confusing when there is another person involved in such a sick way! I'm guessing she must be part of the sick dynamic with this person, or else he would not be sticking around. But at the end of the day, there's nothing you can do about that of course. What a mindfork, seriously.

Yes, we have to decide what we can put up with in the long run. Up until now my SO has been doing his very, very best to give me what I need. But his "episodes" ruin trust, on both sides. It's all so very confusing.
 
It's never just "I was not worth it" -

Intellectually, I know this. My brain knows it. But it's so, so hard to hear it coming from him. I know it's not me, it's him. But to hear the words...that's the hard part. And I know that I'll "get over it," and my intellect will finally win over my emotions, and I'll be ok eventually. The path there is a pain in the ass though. :P

Thanks for the hugs. They're always welcome for me. :)
 
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