Dana1010
Policy Enforcement
There's this loop I have playing in my head like a broken video tape, a constant memory. It's a person who traumatized me several years ago. There's a sense that he's watching me all the time. I think it was not so much the severity of the trauma, but the way it keyed into larger, ancient traumas like it had been tailor made for the purpose--almost eerie. I alternate between fantasies of redemption and revenge (up to murder), but the awful thing, the thing I am struggling to admit to myself, is the underlying, deep, abiding desire I still feel for him after all this time.
I'm not generally into people who treat me bad. In earlier years, I did gravitate towards people on the sociopath/narcissist spectrum, because my father was a sociopath, and I suspect that I was caught in some renegotiation pattern. But I never liked it. If it makes any difference, the person in the memory loop was, in my good faith estimate, a sociopath.
I want to rid myself of this memory, but I don't know how. I feel extreme rage and indignation towards him, and feel that he's my worst enemy in the world at times, like I could literally kill him with no compunction. You would think I would be ready and willing to move on from someone I despise that much. But somehow I can't. The desire remains. No other suitor measures up to him. He makes everyone else seem boring. He was vastly out of my league and represents everything I want but can't have. I'm obsessed with him, and though I'm ashamed of it, and it disturbs me, and I'd die of embarrassment if he ever found out, I want him. I can't stop wanting him. In my head I see us together and then am overtaken by disgust at myself. I feel like a piece of garbage. Why do I desire someone I simultaneously want dead?
I'm not generally into people who treat me bad. In earlier years, I did gravitate towards people on the sociopath/narcissist spectrum, because my father was a sociopath, and I suspect that I was caught in some renegotiation pattern. But I never liked it. If it makes any difference, the person in the memory loop was, in my good faith estimate, a sociopath.
I want to rid myself of this memory, but I don't know how. I feel extreme rage and indignation towards him, and feel that he's my worst enemy in the world at times, like I could literally kill him with no compunction. You would think I would be ready and willing to move on from someone I despise that much. But somehow I can't. The desire remains. No other suitor measures up to him. He makes everyone else seem boring. He was vastly out of my league and represents everything I want but can't have. I'm obsessed with him, and though I'm ashamed of it, and it disturbs me, and I'd die of embarrassment if he ever found out, I want him. I can't stop wanting him. In my head I see us together and then am overtaken by disgust at myself. I feel like a piece of garbage. Why do I desire someone I simultaneously want dead?
Last edited: