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Can't Take The Constant Changes!

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HappyJock

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I'm at a breaking point. I can't take it anymore and I'm afraid I'm going insane (not really... but to the point of severe confusion and depression). I have EXTREME and SEVERE mood swings. I can't stress how severe they are. I can go from loving someone to hating them. I see the hate in my eyes for myself, even. I don't hate others that much, though. But what's more, I feel like many different people with completely different memories, beliefs and ways of being. So much to the point where if I'm part "A" on Monday, I HATE writing and can't write. Literally, it's just I'm unable to process much. If I'm part "B" of myself, I can write a creative novel. If I'm part "C" of myself, I can code an Android app. If I'm part "D", I can't even code a single HTML line. I even get confused as to who I am anymore. How can I ever lead a normal life if I just keep forgetting skills, memories, then re-gaining them, then losing them, then re-gaining them, then forgetting my past, then loving someone, then hating. What is this? I know it's not just PTSD. There's lots of memory loss involved and it's making me go crazy. Right now, I'm so driven, I want to work, write, run a business. Come tomorrow, I'll lose myself and I'll have forgotten everything about today. Literally.
 
You say that you are at your breaking point. That's got me a tad worried, are you safe with yoursel...

I truly admire your concern. To be honest, I would say that I'm "never' safe with myself. Which is why the whole personality thing frightens me. If it keeps on happening, there's no real way of knowing who I am, if that makes sense. Not to others, of course. I'm a people person, even though I'm not trusting. I care. But about myself, I can't say that I'm ever safe. When I am "me", the real me, yes. I am safe then. But other than that, I'm not really sure what to say, think or do.
 
Not having DID myself, I know I can't understand it. I try, but I know it's one of those things you have to experience to even begin to understand.
 
Not having DID myself, I know I can't understand it. I try, but I know it's one of those things you...

Well, thanks. I hear that. But the ironic thing is, I wasn't yet diagnosed with it. Mostly because, well, I haven't even brought this up with my therapist. Does it sound like DID? And do you think it's something to tell my T?
 
I am the last person who could tell you if it's DID. The way you described it, sounded like you were referring to alters. Up untill I joined this forum I thought it was still called multiple personality disorder.

I can tell you however that it might be a good idea to discuss with your therapist, and or doctor/psychiatrist. They will be far more helpful in that regard.
 
I am the last person who could tell you if it's DID. The way you described it, sounded like you wer...

I see, thanks! I will bring it up with my T tomorrow and see what she says. I just fear that she's one of those T's who don't believe in DID and think it's playacting. I always get paranoid when I ask for mental health help.
 
Argh! I have DID as well as Borderline traits and it's sometimes impossible to tell which one is behind the mood swings and personality roulette. Totally raise it with your T (if they know their sh!t), because getting that validation was sooo important to me. It meant I could research both, get help for both, start to learn how to identify the difference (which can sometimes help me control it *gasp*).

I don't know, but most of the time, it helps to just be able to say to yourself, "this is super crap, but at least I know what's happening". That said, it's no walk in the park. And I am in a constant struggle with my own safety. My T doesn't bother with 'Safety Contracts' any more. I'll change my mind about it the second my personality changes. But I have guaranteed that I'll keep doing my best. And that's gotta be good enough for now.

Nb. Take all that with a grain of salt, coz I'm hospitalised for safety reasons at the moment:)
 
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