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Can't trust or connect

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Getting emotional in therapy and recovery was really hard for me. Didn't feel squat for years. Just resented being alive.

At first I tackled it head on, because surely you've gotta be able to feel stuff to recover? I remember reading books on learning about your emotions, dbt worksheets, even carrying around a little card with names of different emotions so I could try and figure out, "What the hell am I feeling?"

I switched to a new T a out a year ago. We talk about past and present, we work through skills, and we do a lot of work on thoughts, because I got plenty of negative thoughts going on. And gradually I just became less concerned about trying to get myself to feel.

Every now and then, I have a big emotion and recognise it before it disappears and I have a little party! Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. There's been times when I've literally been like, "That was anger! I got a little angry! Go me!!"

And as it turns out, not worrying about having emotions has probably been what has started to let them come out. Because if I let them out, the fact is that there's a whole lot of emotions that I've kept stuffed down all my life. Kept them stuffed down because letting them out would be overwhelming. There's too much anger, too much grief, too much shame.

There's little journalling, free writing and art activities that I get into with my T where sometimes an emotion will pop out at the appropriate time. But I still spend the bulk of my time emotionally numb. What I'm learning to do though is recognise little bits of happiness, or boredom, or melancholy, and give myself a thumbs up, but otherwise not worry about them. When something is distressing, I work on the thoughts because that's easier, and the emotions do tend to slowly be starting to come of their own accord.

If the reason for the emotional numbness is that the emotions are too overwhelming, keeping them down has been my brain's survival strategy for (literally) decades. So it's gonna take a while for my brain to get comfortable with letting the emotion centre of my brain get a look in. My brain has been wired by its own survival stratgey to detour that part - too hazardous. Teaching my brain that it's okay to let that part contribute, seems to be as much about just giving it time, and acknowledging little successes when they happen. And I work on the thoughts in them meantime.

At the same time, I monitor my physical health. When I'm not sleeping well, or my energy is low (or high), when I'm walking the panic tightrope, or if I get a migraine. That's the safe expression of my emotions. And that's okay. If that's how my brain is going to handle the emotions till it gets comfortable letting them out more directly, then that's okay.

So, what kind of thoughts would you have if someone said to you, "It's okay to not force any emotions at all"?
 
I still talk about my abuse in therapy as if I was reading a book report; disconnected from the pain. I know that's how I keep a safe distance from it. At home though, I've cried my heart out. Part of this for me is that I'm an introvert and that plays a huge role in how I express my emotions in public or with another person. So it's not all PTSD emotional numbing for me.
 
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