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Capable Of Love And Capable Of Being A Good Mother

Discussion in 'Accomplishments & Success' started by becvan, Mar 8, 2007.

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  1. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    Well success stories are not endings.. they are beginnings and middles too.

    This is my beginnings.

    I was afraid of being a mom. I thought I would either turn out like my mother or end up being a "horrible" mother, which I was always told I would be. I had my first son when I was 18. Within six months my mother had managed to take him and give him to his dad on the idea that I was a "bad" mom. Part of me believed her. I always degraded myself over this.

    I had my second son when I was 21. My mother tried to get him when he was two and it failed badly. Matt has been with me the whole time. As he got older, I noticed how many compliments I got. He's so polite, he's such a good kid, he's so loving, he's so sensitive to others. Then people started telling me I was a great mom. I am a great mom! I have my moments that I've lost the darn manual but I do my absolute best that I can. I learn, I ask questions and I will fight for my kids. I will do what needs to be done so that they can grow up healthy and happy.

    I learned that I am sooo capable of being a good mother and that I am a good mother. All it took was learning and attempting. I had the will and backed it up with action!

    That's my beginning to motherhood. Now here's my beginning to my heart.

    I swore, up and down, that I was not capable of loving another person in an intimate relationship. I thought I was just too screwed up. I always kept a piece of me hidden, for safe keeping. I just seemed to be incapable of giving myself to another at a heart felt degree.

    Although my last relationship is currently over and it had many issues, I learned a very important thing from it. I can love. I can give my heart to someone! I did give him my heart and I loved him whole heartedly. I still had and have some trust issues, but I've learned those take time and hard work. There is no magic wand that makes it all better. In fact, I still love him. It's a wonderful feeling. Maybe everything didn't work out according to plan.. but I loved and I loved completely! I couldn't ask for more than that!

    So that is my success story so far. My beginnings. I'm looking forward to being able to add more. And I will, the more I heal and grow, the more I work on.. the more success I will have.

    bec
     
    Nicolette likes this.
  2. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    What a wonderful story. Your son sounds beautiful and sweet. Being a parent is truly one of the best things in life, and I'm delighted you realize you are a good mother! Relationships are much work, and constant learning is most important, so I believe you are on the right track. Good for you, and thank you for sharing your story.
     
    Abrasky likes this.
  3. Linda

    Linda Well-Known Member

    You are really doing great. After reading your story, I'm just amazed of your capabilities.
     
  4. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

    i feel the same way, bec. i was so afraid i'd hurt my kids, but after the first one (very strong willed) i knew that it wasn't going to be an issue if i didn't want to kill him, lol. i have 3 wonderful, well adjusted children that have never been exposed to any of the things i had to learn. looking forward to grandchildren in a couple yrs. maybe! my husband has always been my "knight in shining armor." kind and gentle, and very supportive with this ptsd mess, though it was a bit of a slow start for him.
    cathy
     
  5. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

    You're a great mum, especially given everything you've been through. I like what you said about relationships too. I think you're doing really well.
     
  6. waynes

    waynes Member

    Becvan,
    I'm so proud of parents with PTSD that are breaking the circle of abuse! It seems that alot of forum members were abused by those who were themselves victums of abuse.
    By seeking to be healed, and knowing what the circumstances are that can cause trauma the last thing any of us want to do it to continue this in our kids. I would imagine that some of this PTSD has generational connections and for that circle to be broken by caring people is something that I for one, greatly admire. Good work!!!

    Wayne
     
    Abrasky likes this.
  7. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Bec,

    When I read the first line of your post, it went straight into my heart because for so many years I felt this way. Even after I had my oldest daughter I was scared I was going to screw it up. When I found out I was pregnant with my youngest, I made my husband tell my parents I was pregnant-this was after my mother told me 'you might want to not have any more children because you have such a hard time with this one'. For years I thought I was the world's worst mom. Then four or five years ago it dawned on me, I have these wonderful daughters that, like you said, are given compliments on their politeness, helpfullness, etc...they didn't just stand around and raise themselves-my husband and I raised them and did a damn good job. We're good parents and I'm a good mother. Man that feels good to say that, doesn't it??!!
     
    Abrasky likes this.
  8. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

    Sounds like you have a heck of a lot to be proud of yourself for bec ! ...:thumbs-up... From what I've read in posts, you don't have it easy bec, yet you work real hard at it all. You're determined ! and I do believe that you and your son have and will continue to come out on top of this all.

    Hope
     
  9. Daij

    Daij New Member

    I can relate to you very closely! I was afraid of becoming a horrible mother just like mine too. I had my sons at 17 and 20. And then I found out I was a great mother. I also get compliments on how well behaved my kids are and how polite they are. I often doubt that I'm a good mom because I can be so irritable sometimes. But I must be doing something right. Thanks for the perk up. It's been a bad day today.
     
    Abrasky likes this.
  10. intothelight

    intothelight Just Being Me Staff Member Premium Member

    I love reading posts from other parents with PTSD who also feel that being a good parent is something they are, inspire of this disorder. I think there are some advantages as we try so hard not to parent like those who may have hurt us did. I think we are more aware of our children's emotional wellbeing as we are acutely aware of emotions overall

    On the downside, for me, my own fear and anxiety has made me a bit of a helicopter parent. Yes, irritability is a factor that needs special attention and effort, but openness, honesty, and sincere apologies go a long way in keeping relationships healthy.

    Being a parent is tough under the best of circumstaces. But PTSD does not eclude anyone from being a good parent, nor is it an excuse for being a bad one.
     
  11. clare

    clare Active Member

    Hi Bec,

    It's been awhile. You have helped me and many others, so it makes me smile when you acknowledge your abilities. You are very very capable, caring and inspirational-Thank you!

    clare
     
  12. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

    I love it when old threads like this pop up and they are still helping others. I think all us moms need to read this type of thread once in awhile, including myself, for the perk up for the day. What I wrote is just as true today as it was a few years ago. Thanks for the encouragment and glad it's helping others! :)

    bec
     
  13. Abrasky

    Abrasky I'm a VIP Premium Member

    I love to read your story. It is wonderful when you keep love, it is the most powerful emotion and can heal anything. Love for me is tainted a bit. For me love is connected to bad memories and good memories. Most of the good memories are memories I made myself with healthy friends. Friends have a lot of things about love to teach us. I dont' want my baby to teach me about love. That is not his job. It sounds like you have learned to love yourself as a mother. I think that loving myself is something I stuggle with, but can relate to learning to love myself as a mother thing.
     
  14. Abrasky

    Abrasky I'm a VIP Premium Member

    It is wonderful when we can look at ourselves through the eyes of the parents we wished we had. Children have a way to make us relive the world. When my son was 4 months old he would spend 30 minutes looking at the string on the aprons. I found that utterly fasincating. When you stop looking at apron strings, the world gets less interesting I think.
     
    Marie E. and becvan like this.
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