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Church

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I think like anywhere it could go either way. ^

Maybe decide or ask yourself why do you go, what do you expect, do you feel welcome, what does receiving communion mean to you (if applicable), what do you want to do, what does your heart say, are you triggered, is it a miserble experience for your kids if you are triggered, what could make it easier, what makes it difficult, etc.
 
Church has been hard for me. Before my father-in-law passed away, I was very involved in the church. Loved it. Slowly started to go less and less. PTSD, in a weird way is what slowly brought me back to God and the church, but I am easily triggered there. I am also a huge fan of sleep. The most I can seem to commit to lately is my bible ap daily verse and a pm bible study group on this site. Even there, I struggle to get the reading done. I guess, I also try to pray every day.
 
I know I need to push myself more. I think that part of the problem is that I did start therapy this year and I'm experiencing several new symptoms. Along with depression that never seems to completely go away even with medication. I feel like mental illness is chipping away at every part of my identity right now.
Depression can color everything. It is tough. My heart goes out to you. :hug: What kind of support do you have for navigating the depression in addition to medication? Is there anyone at the church that knows you are battling it?

Mental illness can feel like it chips away who we are... some days, I feel like PTSD defines me, so much. I try to remember that my identity stays steady in Christ. No matter what. Mental illness is something we have, it's not who we are. I know, I know... easy to say, hard to really hang on to.

I really hear how much you value setting an example for your kids -- try to not that slide into the self judgment that you are a bad parent. Hang on to Grace and compassion for yourself in the midst of this.
 
I try to remember that my identity stays steady in Christ. No matter what. Mental illness is something we have, it's not who we are.
That really is the center of it.

Yes, you do need to ask yourself the hard questions. But ultimately it's a real issue of your identity.

PTSD has a way of calling everything about you into question. Who you are, why are you here, does anything you do have meaning?

That's all PTSD. Not church. I called and still do sometimes call my identity into question. Something comes up that calls it all back.

Your identity needs to be regrounded as the daughter of the King. As His child, you are precious, beautiful and worth more than precious stones.

All wrapped up into the identity you choose. That alone can determine how everything else is viewed. 5 yrs into it and I still struggle. I'm not minimizing the pain and confusion this is. I wouldn't do that.

Just consider it.
 
To take the pressure off yourself, but avoid the trap of becoming increasingly more isolated: perhaps make a point of doing something with the kids on Sunday morning anyway?

If the kids are asking "Why aren't we going to church today?", and you just don't have it in you, could you do something with the kids that doesn't involve other people? Take them to the park and kick a ball around, take them cycling, cook pancakes for breakfast togeth, etc? That way they still do something quality on heir Sunday morning, and you have a middle ground between 'church or nothing at all'?

My concern isn't that you'll stop going to church altogether, because if it's important to you, I think it will happen when you're ready. My concern is that it very quickly shifts from deciding to just stay in bed to it being too hard to get out of bed...

You're not being a bad parent, you're a parent who is finding a way to bring up kids while suffering from ptsd. There are times when that's going to look a bit different to 'normal' parenting, but it doesn't make you a bad parent. Not at all.
 
I gut myself when I'm not giving my son what I want him to have.

I have an extremely difficult time valuing what he does have, instead.

Which is a problem. Because what I want him to have, and what he does have, are now these radically different things. When, for a long time? They weren't. I was mom, my word was my bond, my desires I made reality, and my life -and his- were the ones I chose to live. That's not the case, anymore. Life happens. Things aren't as we'd want them to be. But they are also the foundations of his life, and what his memories will be of his life. Learning the reconcile the two realities? Takes practice.

Okay. So I want him to have A. He doesn't have A. I gut myself.
He has B. Instead of valuing it, and working with it, I'm still beating myself up about A.

There are a few different paths I can take from this place.

1. I can figure out a way that he CAN have A, dammit. Even if it's AB or AC instead of A.
2. I can really look at and investigate/value B >>> Attach riders onto that one. I don't like, B? Fine. Let's shift it into BC or BD.
3. Or I can just sit and do nothing, still beating myself up over not having A.

Clearly... 1&2 are the better options, yeah? But it takes awhile to set the grief of what I WANT to be the case (and isn't) and work with the realities of the situation. At which point, I become a halfway decent parent, again, in my own mind. Not because I'm giving him what I want to give him. But because I'm an active participant in what he actually has going on in his life.

You can be an amazing mom with your children never setting foot inside of church. Or any other area of life. But, from experience, I don't ever FEEL amazing (hell, feel bloody awful), unless/until I'm actually making the decision that -for now at least- THIS is what's best for my family. Whether it's sleeping in and waffles, or getting up & getting spiffed up... Choosing the best option, and really, really VALUING it; making it a choice, are what allow me to stand beside the decision. Instead of shredding myself over it.
 
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