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Clarity, And Forgotton Memories Returned

Discussion in 'General' started by goingonhope, Apr 3, 2007.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    ...is this normal or am I losing touch with reality?

    I mean I've known all about my intrusive, conscious, unspoken, memories that have haunted me on it's own impulse all throughout the yrs.

    I've never found much lasting success, with what I could do about any of this and how to make it all go away....How to stop re-living those memories,...and how to stop everything from within my mind, emotions and spirit, from continually making me horribly sick.

    In the present, I did not expect to ever retrieve clear, vivid memories of things that I only knew happened from my memory, but seldom, did I ever look at any further. Another words, I was always too overwhelmed accepting what chose for itself to haunt me. Does this make any sense?

    And, now just today I've retrieved these two memories that absolutely sicken me. One which I've always minimized and never saw clearly, before today, for what it was. And, the other I had completely forgotton about ever happening.

    I'm feeling shaky, nervous and frightened....anxieties increasing !

    Perhaps, it is what it is, and I can accept this, now in the present, but I never expected this ....and just hope I'm not losing touch with reality.

    Hope
     
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  3. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    I have even more clarity and more of a grasp of one of my forgotton memories, and it's making me an emotional wreck. I don't have time now to add it, or my new understanding of it to my writing.

    Feeling very tense, painfully uncomfortable, weak and naseaus right now. Wanting this all to pass.

    My mind is telling me that I must get rid of the feelings, I'm now feeling and what I've learned is telling me something different. That being for me to allow myself to feel the feelings. I'm struggling now to convince myself that these feelings will again pass, bc I often trick myself into believing, now that there here, there not going anywhere. And, yet I need to and want to remember that part of me that knows the feelings will all pass.

    Too many images in the forefront of my mind, to many memories. I feel angry, alone, scared and embarrassed.

    On edge.
     
  4. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Hope,

    Yes it does. While I've only been able to get a few more memories back since I started on my journey, those have not been pleasant but at least I can claim them and make them mine and own a little bit more of my past.

    What has chosen to haunt me is my feelings of failure, defectiveness, never being quite good enough. When I reached the point where I realized that these perceptions of myself were untrue...OMG-it sent me into quite a tailspin. I would never have thought that changing my perceptions about myself would have caused my anxiety to damn near sky-rocket, tension, fear...the whole ball of wax.

    But every step we take, every realization we make about ourselves and our past have the ability to damn near take our breath away. I'm finding that I'm using that as a guidepost. If after I start dealing with something and I feel like crap afterwards...I must have hit on something significant otherwise I would feel fine.

    You're not losing touch with reality...your reality is just becoming clearer to you. And after years of not seeing it, it can be pretty tough to deal with.
     
  5. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Thanks for pointing this out Marlene, bc that's exactly what I've done today, taken another step and reclaimed a horrible exper. my sister and I once had. ....with today's flashbacks, re-visiting and re-living far too much detail. It's become so big ...in taking my breath away...that I really don't think I'll get it posted to my diary for sometime, and must take time (however much or little necessary) off again from the forum to process this and take some care of my health. Symptoms are spiraling out of control. The reason why I'm thanking you is you've reminded me that I'm not alone and that all this memory recall (pain) serves a higher, lasting purpose. (gain)

    Thanks again, Marlene for this experience, I've started just attempting to write about one memory, and I guess that's it, I've hit on something significant as it's severely kicking my butt.

    Now this is interesting, bc after I wrote all about a clearing memory of mine today, one in which I witness my mother, father and uncle justify demanding that my 6yr. old sister sit in, sift and search from a bathtub filled with a compilation of backed-up toilet bowl contents and water until it surrounded her and all the horror that went with it, I called my mother and made a request, (denied all my emotion while doing so), that she fill in a couple missing facts about that day. She did so, but my attention to what else she offered, ie. attitude about, justification in doing so, and unwitting validation has now made much even clearer and additionally tougher to deal with.

    Hanging in and hope to be feeling better soon. In some of this I've been feeling spurts of feeling proud of myself for my efforts, but still struggling with a tug-o-war with confidence in myself.

    Thanks again, Marlene and please take care, you know you're worth it. I've seen your efforts and your progress and I hear it in your post. Keep up the good work and I'm glad you've recognized those faulty perceptions of yourself as untrue. Even though the increase in symptoms followed, Marlene you're making great strides.

    Hope
     
  6. moki

    moki Guest

    you sound like you're already feeling better...
     
  7. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Thanks Hope...it's taken a while for me, but I now see I am worth it and it feels great. And if the price I have to pay for getting my life back and learning to live successfully with my PTSD is for my symptoms to increase with each level of healing...it's a price that I'm more than willing to pay. Like you said...for the pain, I get the gain.
     
  8. willing

    willing Active Member

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    I relate to your tailspin of emotion. My therapist tells me to breathe and to ask what I am scared about. Just keep asking what am I scares me about the thought. I just did it yesterday. I started the negative self talk and the anxiety and tears of hopelessness came. I wrote each time what scares me and I eventually was able to see the difference about where I am now and how I felt then. Two separate times with triggered emotions from the past. I still felt intense but I must admit the feelings are almost gone today. I don't think I have stuffed them...and the best part is I didn't have to self harm to get out of the pain. I just kept digging. Hey, I just realized I did it. I walked through...wow that is cool. I wish you a sense of your lovable self during this time.
    Patty
     
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