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Codependence Because Of PTSD?

Discussion in 'General' started by Gradon, Feb 7, 2007.

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  1. Gradon

    Gradon New Member

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    As I've started to deal with having PTSD, I've been looking back: My mother's murder; My uncle abandoning me. Then I look more recently at my failed relationships, and one thing (among many) that I can see as a real problem is my codependence.

    I've never been overly social, but when I'm in a relationship, my friends say I become MIA. I spend my time at home, and expect my (now ex-)wife or girlfriend to stay home with me, even though one thing I liked about them is that they are independent, social people. If they do go out, I figure they don't love me and are going to leave me.

    I can barely even do basic things like paying the bills without someone else reminding me to.

    One psychiatrist that I spoke to said what I need more than anything is a mother. He was half-joking, of course, but it makes sense. My mother died when I was 7. From a lot of the things that I've read about PTSD, the sufferer mentally remains at about the age that the trauma happened. Well, not completely, but in certain ways.

    Does anyone else see codependence as part of their PTSD? How are you trying to deal with it, without destroying your relationships?
     
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  3. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I used to be that way, though much different nowadays. I don't go out much myself, generally because I have too much going on at home, so I far from bored, but I never stop someone else going else, nor do I require a person to be around me... not just codependence, but a factor more facing self esteem which equates to codependence issues.

    Gradon, the best thing you could do, is force yourself out of the house to some type of social group, where you meet people, make friends, then force yourself each week to go visit those friends, regardless whether they ever visit you, go visit them to assist you to break out of this cycle.
     
  4. vcc123

    vcc123 Active Member

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    Hi Gradon.. I dont think I'm codependent.. overly independent maybe.. during my current state of mind.. I have extreme difficulty going out to socialize. I think mostly because the people I would normally socialize with, are all former coworkers. (2 of which are close friends) so the close friends thing doesn't bother me, but the rest do because of the work related trauma. I try to avoid anything work related because of the pain it causes.. what Anthony said is true though.. you need to force yourself to get out of the house and socialize. It is LITERALLY forcing too.. I have to make myself go.. I drag my feet and dread it, but once I'm with my friends.. I DO feel better. So hang in there and try to make yourself an appt / date with friends at least once in awhile. :redface:
     
  5. Gradon

    Gradon New Member

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    Thank you both for your responses. I try to be a rather social creature, spending time with friends. But when I get into a relationship, I drop my social life and throw all my time into my relationship.

    Obviously, the other person is not willing to drop all of their friends for me, and this creates tension in the relationship. This (among other problems) has been key in destroying my marriage, as well as the first serious relationship I've been in since. I need to find a way to maintain my independence, social spirit, while still nurturing my next relationship.

    That sounds easier than it will be.
     
  6. elvis

    elvis Active Member

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    gradon-i understand this. yes, i can see that this is codependence, we have so much NEED inside of us, that no human could possibly fill. but for me, there is also an element of MISTRUST in that statemenSt you made. i freak out when someone i care about spends time with another person, it is like it is too much for my trust meter to handle. i don't know if that makes sense. i have ****ing abandonment issues like you wouldn't believe and it is cause for some humiliating behaviors on my part.

    as far as advice. hm. what i have tried is to FORCE MYSELF to relate with a few other people when i find myself fixating on just one.
     
  7. Gradon

    Gradon New Member

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    YES! That is exactly what it is like with me. I would love to be able to have a serious relationship without completely smothering the person, but I'm not sure it's possible. :frown:
     
  8. porkyrees

    porkyrees Member

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    Gradon I am sorry to say that relationships do fail with PTSD.Most of the couples that I have come across were usually together or should I say partners at the time of the event.If you get involved with someone who knows nothing of your background they are usually in for trial by fire as they normally tend to think that it is something to do with the relationship.So I would be up front with the person,but dont do it on the first date if you know what i mean.I lost two wives but could never accept the problem I was too tough to have PTSD.(ha Ha) Porky Rees.
     
  9. Linda

    Linda Well-Known Member

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    I have exactly the same problem with social relationship, and for right now, can not overcome it. I actually had never been very sociable, preferring reading books to playing with my peers (belonging to the highly educated upper-class family, I was more developed mentally than most of them). But after the symptoms started, I just isolated myself from everoyne. I only had 1 close friend in my life, but our friendship was based on mutual interest in... ahhh... wrong things :naughty:
    So, I could not be in a relationship with a man who goes out with his friends a lot. I tried, and failed, and did not regret. I just tried fo look for a man who is more like me, ands succeeded. The guys I dated were usually much older than me, in the age when men do not hang out on parties often. Two men I had serious relationship with, included my current husband, had PTSD themelves :wink: With my first ma, we went out hiking and fishing only together, without anyone else. With my husband, we stay home together, only once in a while we go to see friends we both know well. That is what we both like.
    I do not know about your situation, but maybe try to look for a woman who will like to stay home, just like you do?
     
  10. Gradon

    Gradon New Member

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    Porky Rees, I am up front to most everyone that has any non-professional thing to do with my life. Understanding as they may be, the underlying nature of PTSD seems to outlast love.
     
  11. Gradon

    Gradon New Member

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    Taking care of me needs to come first, but that is certainly a good idea. Thanks.
     
  12. Gradon

    Gradon New Member

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    Although thinking more about it, I'm really not an anti-social person. I like to hang out with my friends, or go to art shows, or whatnot. But when I'm in a relationship, I seem to think that we are a unit, and therefore can't do things separately. Helping to somehow correct this is one of those "Taking care of me needs to come first" sort of things.
     
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