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General Combat Ptsd Refuses To Watch Our Child

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loyaltojesus

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I am 5 moths pregant and we have a 20 month old daughter. We have been married 3 years.

Since my daughter was born, my husband has been good about making bottle or changing diapers. BUt if I need to run an errand, even for an hour or so, he refuses to watch our daughter by himelf.

I feel like a slave, as I have to ask permission to go anywhere. I have to find a baby sitter when I know he is sitting at home doing nothing. He is disabled and does not work. But he is fully physically capable of watching our daughter. He says the stress she causes him is really bad, but he seems to do well when I am around. Why is it different when I am gone?

I suppose there is no way he could have predicted he would be this way, but before I got pregnant he swore he would help me, as I am physically disabled. He is not. There are many errands I must run as he is not mentally able to go to the store, etc. And physically it is hard for me to take our child especially now that I am pregnant as well.

QUESTION: Do other combat PTSD sufferers refuse to watch their own children.... and WHY?

I feel like he is just being selfish, but he cant seem to explain to me why it bothers him so bad. Is there a PTSD explination for it? Thanks for your help guys....
 
I think he may be afraid to watch your child because she is so young and being so young, she is fragile. That normally wouldn't be a problem, however, what if he was having a flashback while watching her, or perhaps a panic attack? I can't exactly speak for Combat PTSD sufferers since I don't have Combat PTSD, but these are just my speculations. Good luck! Hopefully things go well you! I'll be praying :)
 
I would try to see if his concern is out of worry that he might get into a difficult state and not be fully present to be the sole safety net. He may just be worried that he's not a safe enough custodian.

It's really helpful to understand the biochemical responses that are involved in PTSD. It's not just a mood thing. There are actual biological responses that include massive floods of adrenalin, which creates the mental 'fight or flight' reaction - this is not a good state to be in if you have someone dependent on you. Don't write it off as selfish, especially if he makes an effort to make up for it in some other way.

I have not had combat PTSD and it seems like it could be orders of magnitude worse than my experience. And even I have had days where I had to hole up and not have to do anything for anyone. If he's in a worse space and he's having a lot of distressing symptoms - he may simply just have the genuine best interests of the child at heart. Maybe there's some way you can work out an arrangement that gives you some flexibility - a sitter nearby who could do short spontaneous sittings so that you could step out for a quick trip.

This sounds like something to talk about in therapy together maybe. Give him a chance.
 
but he seems to do well when I am around. Why is it different when I am gone?
With you there he is still on the save side.

Do other combat PTSD sufferers refuse to watch their own children.... and WHY?
I know our son is a hand full. He is hyperactive and got ADHD (?). I know that before my husband somtimes didn't like to be alone with him, just in case he looses his nerves with him. He didn't wanted that.

I feel like he is just being selfish, but he cant seem to explain to me why it bothers him so bad.

yep, I know that feeling.

Maybe he needs time, is unsure, doesn't want to do something wrong. And my husband can't always say what bothers him.
 
I know I would want to know why this was happening - I would definitely be asking. Whether that's a good thing or not I don't know, but it would be within my nature to ask.

Perhaps he lacks confidence, or it makes him anxious to be alone with her because he might have a flashback or a panic attack - something that may upset your daughter, as well as your husband. Or it may be as simple as him not wanting to be on his own with her - he may not feel well enough to care for her right now? I can speak as a sufferer of depression and anxiety, that I have been too unwell in the past to feel as though I could confidently look after my kids on my own - the thought would have been enough to put me in a total spin, a nervous shaking wreck. It made me feel so worthless that I felt that way too - I felt rather child-like myself, and pathetic.
 
I agree with Bilby in that, as a sufferer, I ensure I am not alone around children - to be honest, they scare me now.

I know how from a non-sufferers perspective this can seem lazy or simply stubborn, but being placed in a situation where you are solely responsible for the Life/Wellbeing of another, especially a child, can be extremely anxiety provoking and internally stressful. When you get stuck in your head, wound up in worry/fear you get a shorter fuse, easily frustrated and it makes it that much more difficult to be present enough to adequately provide care for another.

If its safer for the child to have another person present, then it's what you have to do. Did part of his experience involve children (as mine did) or is it the 'sole responsibility' issue? This could be something you discuss in therapy.
 
Hi loyaltojesus.

I have to agree with what the others have said, in the fact that he may not feel confident to look after your child on his own. While you are around, anything that could happen will be picked up by you and he wont have to worry too much. If your not there and something goes wrong, no matter how small he will not be able to forgive himself, he will panic and knock his confidence even more.

Whilst we dont have young children of our own, we do have grandchildren, and they can cause hubby so much stress, to the point where he very rarely watches them on his own. I have left them once for half an hour, while I went to the shop. They were all sat watching cartoons and eating crisps, and I knew for the time I was out, hubby would be able to do that. he was happy to have been able to do that, yet glad when I got back. This was the first time in 5 years he had managed to do this.

So sit him down if you can, and talk to him, ask him why he struggles, why he cant watch her for a while, let him know that he can be honest and you will understand what ever answers he has.

Physically he may well be capable, but mentally he may not be strong enough. Young children are very unpredictable and he may not be able to cope mentally with even the slightest upset while your out, making the whole thing so much worse for him than it actually is.
 
Just my opinion, but maybe he is scared because he does not feel like he is safe to be around such a small child. He maybe scared he might lose his temper. As others said above, small children are pretty fragile and they can cause all kinds of chaos and accidents when your back is turned even for one minute.

He would rather say no, than risk anything happen to her whether it be an accident, or his fuse is overloaded. Children can be very overwhelming, especially for someone who has PTSD.
 
thank you guys so much for all the responses. It is very helpful to hear other sides to this. I just wish he would share with me why it bothers him to watch her. If I could just get him to talk to me about it, I feel like I could get past it. I think our main problem is communication. I keep asking him to do marriage counseling, and he says no. We did counseling in San Antonio and it was amazing!!! He was forced to do it while he was active duty. The VA is not as active in their treatment. Or, maybe he is making it seem like he is better than he really is....not showing his docs how bad he is struggling. I don't know. I just wish we could get back into counseling ASAP....
 
He may not be able to allow down his mental defenses to bring to conscious awareness the reasons why...but I highly suggest that you try to find others who can help rather than putting him in that position.

He may have a terrible trauma that you - and perhaps he - are unaware of and he is doing this avoidance because some part of his brain knows he's not ready to face it, safely, with just he and his child there.

Can some neighbors or friends schedule time to just be there with them?

This is hard but it will not always be this way.
 
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