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Childhood Coming To Terms: Mother Daughter Abuse

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amosmorris

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I've been going to therapy now for just over two years and I've been slowly pulling back all the layers of my experiences growing up. It's all very hard, as I know so many here are well aware. I just hit what seems to be the toughest yet, which is coming to terms with the fact that there were things my mother did in the name of "care taking" and "mothering" that were actually real violations. I can barely feel anything, though it's all starting to play like a movie in my mind. Last week I suggested to my T that maybe she could tell me that these stories (that I haven't told until now, though we've been working together for two years) are just small stuff, petty, me being maybe over sensitive…and that if she could tell me that, I'd drop it all and we'd never talk about this piece of my experience again. And her response was "If I could take this away from you I would do it in a second. But I can't do that."

And so here I am. I am in a pretty dark place--there's a lot of just fear and anxiety right now, and I am having to push myself to do some of the bare minimums of my responsibilities (work, kids…)…I am pushing myself as hard as I can to not fall to pieces. But I am feeling pretty weak and I'm finding myself isolating--even from my partner, though he knows the latest. I'm caught between many conflicting feelings. So I guess what I'm asking for is a some kind of "been there/it'll get better" encouragement…some sense of what I can think about to keep pushing myself forward…? I feel like I'm in some quicksand. Thanks in advance.
 
is coming to terms with the fact that there were things my mother did in the name of "care taking" and "mothering" that were actually real violations. I can barely feel anything, though it's all starting to play like a movie in my mind

This is incredible. I have absolutely been there, right where you are. It made me feel out of control, as a result of a lot of this:

slowly pulling back all the layers of my experiences growing up

It was as if every layer was another level of a haunted house. How scary can this get? Where is there do go from here? The step of recognizing my mother's abuse was one of the most difficult. For whatever reason, I loved her the most. Maybe you relate. That's a tough truth, that the person that you love so dearly hurt you so deeply. And, there's a lot of other truth that comes crashing down along with that. It's a lot to process. Give yourself credit for even trying.

I am having to push myself to do some of the bare minimums of my responsibilities (work, kids…)…I am pushing myself as hard as I can to not fall to pieces

This is so understandable. And doubles the pain of then feeling as if you're failing. You have so much on your plate and it sounds completely overwhelming, completely normal considering the amount of grief you are feeling. I totally get the quicksand thing!! I was just there this weekend..sorta the entire past two weeks if I think of it...

If you can, see if there's anything that you can drop for the moment and/or try to take a moment for yourself, even if it's just a small thing like cooking a meal.

In short, I totally get it.
 
I'm right in the very beginnings of the "acceptance" stage myself. Our mind has ways of protecting us that were/are useful short term - when things get really bad. The defense mechanisms are there for a reason but they aren't serving us anymore. Especially if we adopted them when we were children when we had limited information about the "real world". I don't know if it's harder to accept the past or that I have to resign myself to accepting that my dad will never give me the affirmation I have been convinced I needed to "fix me". You're not alone in being conflicted. I don't think anyone ever wants to give up hope. I use mindfulness practices and try to catch the brain train earlier on the track to meltdown. Feeling like I have a tool to help myself helps. I'm trying to immerse myself in facts right now because my sense of trust of anything is tenuous. It may sound weird but researching how our brain tricks us even when everything is working efficiently is a bit comforting (logical fallacies) It's helping a little. It shines a light on the fact that we're all vulnerable.
 
It can feel a bit like drowning. For me the denial was the worse. I mean, I took care of my mother, and her drinking, as well as my two younger siblings. I didn't see anything wrong with it for a long time. I still feel like I exaggerate sometime and my husband and his family pull me back. They remind me that parents take care of their kids not the other way around. I find myself saying things like she only back handed me once. She was really drunk. It could have been an accident. I try too justify her. There are no justifications. Remember that you were a child. A child. You are no more responsible for her actions then your own children are for yours. Some days are harder then others, but you will find your footing. Talking helps no matter how hard it is.
 
Thank you so very much @MyLostStarGirl ....I actually tried to reply to this post yesterday and it seems my bad connection didn't help. Anyway--yes--drowning is exactly what it feels like. I struggle to acknowledge some of what is there...because I think...maybe I can be angry, but I can't let her change fully into someone I don't really know, in a way...I think this is the same thing you mean by "justifying" her...I keep searching for explanations for some of her choices. The best I can do for her is to say she wasn't thinking..that's me being generous...Imagining my own children's innocence allows me to be somewhat more compassionate towards that child-version of me...but it's hard, very. Thank you so much for all of this. :hug:
 
I'm checking in on this thread to see how everyone is doing and to offer a little update (though I can't say much change)--I know it seems to be an ongoing and slow process. I am drowning today for sure. New (old) memory late last week came into focus and it's just--gross enough and hard to "make normal", which is what I realize I try to do. But as a mother of two girls myself...I do have a point of comparison and I'm like...no...not normal.
I have nevertheless tried to convince myself it's nothing, that I am pathetic and overreacting...but you know I am also stuck in this well of sadness and anxiety...and I can't make the mind movie or the physical sensation go away by wishing it.
And on that note--I'm struggling too with my T--I think just because I'm in a mode of pushing her away, not wanting to trust her, blah etc etc, which seems to be the pattern when there's more/new "stuff"...we had a session today and I just feel like I could sleep for the next month (not an option--which is a fortunate thing...the demands of my life keeps pushing me forward and for that I'm grateful). I feel like I want to get away from her and from anything/everything I've exposed.
Anyway--just thought to reach out and check in. Thank you again for the responses to this thread--they were a real buoy and have continued to be.
 
I'm checking in on this thread to see how everyone is doing and to offer a little update (though I c...
I am so sorry for the delay. I am right there with you in this feeling. I hope that one day, medicine catches up to this phenomenon. Like you, I've never been so tired. Are our brains and hearts busy healing themselves?

You look at how you care for your daughters, and how you think about them and feel about them, and know. You know. I know, too. This is the slow, grievous process of accepting what we already know.

Even as I type this, and cry, and post on the Mother's Day thread, I can barely believe it. "But she's my MOM," I cry inside. I get it.

But now we get to be our own mothers, and teach ourselves how to be. The right way this time, and the best way. Through experience and true unconditional love.

Happy Mother's Day to you.
 
I had a very sick and disturbed mom who hated me and I realize now that not only was she a full on alcoholic but a Narcisisist as well. I am getting memories about that and I can put two and two together now for the first time. I hope that you will heal and recover and good for you on the good job you are doing in therapy. The feelings and memories are bad, no getting around this one. Yet there is hope because eventually your new truths will emerge and you will become the you that your abusive mother tried to quench your spirit. She failed and you won because you are in recovery now and it will get better for you.
 
I am so sorry for the delay. I am right there with you in this feeling. I hope that one day, medicin...

Happy Mother's Day to you, too, @Cora Lekki :hug: Thank you for this and thank you for setting such a good example for me.

In Nancy Verrier's The Primal Wound, she quotes an anecdote that goes something like:

A child h...

Thank you, @Simply Simon

I had a very sick and disturbed mom who hated me and I realize now that not only was she a full on alcoho...
I'm so very sorry, @gizmo ....and thank you for your words here and for your toughness.
 
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