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Compliments: Giving & Accepting Along With Other Odd Conversation Habits.

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On this Forum is about the only place I seem to get compliments, that I can recall. In life, I rarely get them, other than a "thank you" for something I have done to help someone, along with a "You are so kind to do this for me, I really appreciate it".

Then I heard that another person hearing this one person who compliments me got ticked off that this elderly person keeps thanking me and acknowledging me for helping her! I eat up this compliment from my elderly friend, I crave it. And when I heard that this other person was annoyed by it, I said I did not care, and that my elderly friend's compliments were greatly appreciated by me because I so rarely get compliments. So she continues to compliment me, even though this other person gets annoyed by it and I am happy she does so anyway.

I love compliments and acknowledgements. I wish I got more of them, but I guess there is not much in my life or about me that is worth acknowledging.
 
Someone says something that points out a flaw, I reel it in and cling on to it and bash myself over the head with it looong after they've moved on.

Guilty, I do that too!

I have a solid history of taking compliments as an opportunity to thorough re-disect every bad thought I have about myself until there is no trace left of the compliment at all.

Oh my gosh, I do that too. Like shred that compliment with thoughts that counter the compliment.

It's easier to pretend that people don't perceive me at all - being given a compliment means that someone saw me and that's freaking me out.

Oh yes, that too! As when Im around people, I try my hardest to become part of the wall. I want to go by completely unnoticed. When someone sees me and calls me over, im like "ah shit!"

But then I tend to be vigilant watching for signs of insincerity also...

Me too because "pity compliments" I tend to get a lot...just giving it because no one else is bothering to and I feel the insincerity, almost like they dont believe what they are saying. Most certianly why bother?

I love the story of the guy that had trouble giving compliments and not thanking him made him feel horrible. It helps to see thet thanking, sincerely, a sincere compliment gives then happiness or even joy. And not doing so could very well hurt that other person as as dont want to hurt another.
 
Good question @scout86 i guess its the same thing as

signs of insincerity also...

A bit of:
compliments as a tool,

And then a ton of 'history repeats itself' (I have a ton of issues now fully due to my family. I dont think this is fully, just part of it.)

A bit of a feeling that they dont mean what they are saying but Im not against saying theres some mind reading in that, some projection, and a few congitive distortions (which are things I cant yet identify but working on it); so I think its a mixture of things.

But, if I say you look nice but say it in a way that you can feel and hear that I dont really mean it, what do you call that? If anything. Honest question.
 
I also can relate to compliments as a tool. They make me angry - and I cannot always watch my tongue when it comes that way. Be honest or leave it but don't use it! :banghead::arghh; ....because somewhere inside of me is still a small child longing for kindness and it will probably fall for that fake compliments - so it will be hurt again.
 
But, if I say you look nice but say it in a way that you can feel and hear that I dont really mean it, what do you call that?
A lie? LOL I'm not sure. I really do have a problem with this too. And I have 0 faith in my own ability to interpret the motives of others. So I make an effort not to.

I'm a little lost on the "using compliments as a tool" thing. How do people do that? Not saying they don't. I'm just not aware of people doing that with ME. But I have noticed that I sometimes get a kind of distrustful reaction to compliments from other people and I'm wondering if these things are related.
 
"Compliments as a tool" is one of the oldest forms of manipulation.

Tell someone something nice about themselves and they're much more likely to give you what you want.

Honey/vinegar/flies------with manipulative undertones. Then again, in my world, the honey/vinegar/flies thing has always been about manipulation to get what you want. "Be nice and people will give you what you want."

I've been dealing with it my whole life. It happens on tv and in movies all the time.
 
I'm a little lost on the "using compliments as a tool" thing. How do people do that?

Or they fill you with all sorts of compliments and then starting asking for things, like money, a ride, basically anything and if you are one without, or dont know how to set, boundries, then you are swayed into thinking they are friends but are users and manuipulators and arent friends at all.

My ex roommates used this as one tatic and played on my massive amounts of empathy, knowing I wouldnt want to throw someone on the streets to be homeless, as another tatic.

There are many examples of compliments used as a tool and its generally a manunipulation tatic in my opinion, or as ive seen it anyway.
 
played on my massive amounts of empathy,
I've had people do THAT. Because it's fairly well known I hate to see anyone else having a bad time. But I don't know that compliments have ever been a part of it.

I'm not sure that I have much experience with "getting what I want because I was nice to someone"........ I get the concept. I do know that I've seen it in movies etc. I hadn't really thought about this, ever, I don't think. My own experience has more been that, if I want something, I'd better figure out a way to work for it myself because no one is going to just give it to me, whether I ask or not..... Weird!

So, is it possible that, when I pay someone a compliment, they might be misinterpreting my motives? I DO sometimes go out of my way to pay someone a compliment if I want to encourage something I see as "good" behavior. My ex once said that he quit smoking when he was married to his first wife and she never said anything about it. I thought that was sort of sad, so, when he quit smoking again, I made a point to mention it and commend him for it. But I didn't WANT anything. I was just glad to see he wasn't smoking....... Was that wrong?
 
I feel the need to clarify for my own sake of sanity-----as I wasn't all that clear in my last reply. Oops.

I mentioned the being nice to get what you want thing in reference to people complimenting me, not me complimenting others. I am (try to be) nice for the sake of being nice and not for what it will get me. I have a hard time even asking for the very basics in life and I honestly believe that manipulation tactics tend to develop in people who have already mastered the ability to ask for what they need, but are unsatisfied with being told "no" so they develop higher level manipulation skills such as fake compliments in order to increase the likelihood of being told "yes" and getting what they want. Those who don't understand the concept of boundaries. (Of course this is my theory, and I have no proof other than my own experiences in this world.)

I realize (all too well) that my views are painted with paranoia and this isn't how it always is-----there are people who are genuinely unselfishly nice for the sake of being nice and not for what it will get them. This knowledge helps keep me fighting against my paranoia as I truly know (on some level) that not everyone is out to hurt me or use me for their own selfish ends.

So------it's a split second subconscious (?) decision that I make when I receive a compliment. Who is giving it? Do they want something? What is the context? I'm the first to admit that I can be wrong in my perception, but when the decision of genuine vs non genuine is made in a split second, it's a hard thing to battle against. This is why I say it's such hard work for me to just get to the point of saying "thank you". At first I had to force myself even though it made my stomach churn. I still struggle with it to this very day and can be quick to completely write off people who compliment me but I am trying to improve.

So thank you @Alice.in.Wonderland for starting this thread as it has given me much food for thought.
 
@scout86 i don't think you did anything wrong. You weren't complimenting in order to get something out of the other person. You recognized an accomplishment and you commended him for quitting smoking. I think this is a way of giving a non selfish compliment that was given to say "hey, great job on quitting smoking" without wanting anything in return.
 
@scout86 i agree with @EveHarrington; its not about you giving the compliments, its a way that a person gives the compliment the feels fake, it might be intuion as im not good at listening to my gut but maybe thats what it is.

Going out of your way to complimemt someone but you mean it (doesnt sound fake sort of thing) then no, I dont think anyone would question your motives. Also complimenting your ex about stopping smoking wasnt wrong as thats hard to do and though Ive gotten myself clean off of all drugs without rehab or any help at all, i couldnt stop smoking, i had to switch to a nicotine vaporizer. Hearhier but not no nocotine yet but they do have those too.
 
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