An observation.
In the last two weeks I have been doing some in depth therapy sessions as we are going back to visit the traumas. During this time I have felt extremely uncomfortable, vunerable and above all ashamed at my seemingly childish behavior. I have developed a strong need for my therapist that is probably too needy. I am afraid that something is going to happen to her and I am going to end up stuck in the emotion of this forever. The other thing is that I am doing things like crying and getting angry that make me very embarassed and self-centered. When I get self centered my bad voice comes to the forefront and says I am a pathetic piece of work. A whimp and a baby. And I am taking up others valuable time with my insignificant problem. I mean really there's a war on, tsnamis and rape and genocide, global warming, Who are you to complain. STOP! The vicious attack continues. So when I am here and I try to stop I am resorting to other methods or compulsions to get out of the pain and make it stop. Eating, smoking, extreme desire to drink and use again after 18 years of sobriety and more recently cutting (I can't believe I just actually wrote this). My therapist knows this. I try to stick with the least destructive which is eating but...well, the compulsion overcomes me. So, my therapist had me recognize really what it is I am feeling in trying to escape the pain and it is that I am scared that she won't accept or approve of me for what I am doing and thinking. Now I know I just took the long way to get to the point but it is a profound point for me. When I get scared I am afraid of abandonment because people won't approve of me.
Major stuff for me.
Patty
In the last two weeks I have been doing some in depth therapy sessions as we are going back to visit the traumas. During this time I have felt extremely uncomfortable, vunerable and above all ashamed at my seemingly childish behavior. I have developed a strong need for my therapist that is probably too needy. I am afraid that something is going to happen to her and I am going to end up stuck in the emotion of this forever. The other thing is that I am doing things like crying and getting angry that make me very embarassed and self-centered. When I get self centered my bad voice comes to the forefront and says I am a pathetic piece of work. A whimp and a baby. And I am taking up others valuable time with my insignificant problem. I mean really there's a war on, tsnamis and rape and genocide, global warming, Who are you to complain. STOP! The vicious attack continues. So when I am here and I try to stop I am resorting to other methods or compulsions to get out of the pain and make it stop. Eating, smoking, extreme desire to drink and use again after 18 years of sobriety and more recently cutting (I can't believe I just actually wrote this). My therapist knows this. I try to stick with the least destructive which is eating but...well, the compulsion overcomes me. So, my therapist had me recognize really what it is I am feeling in trying to escape the pain and it is that I am scared that she won't accept or approve of me for what I am doing and thinking. Now I know I just took the long way to get to the point but it is a profound point for me. When I get scared I am afraid of abandonment because people won't approve of me.
Major stuff for me.
Patty