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Conflicting emotions and ignoring problems

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dawnstar

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I don't want to make this post too long with details (and I'm not sure if the details included will upset anyone) but lately, I've felt confused about my mother. I feel resentment towards her for not taking the many opportunities to leave her extremely abusive husband. I love her because she's always treated me well. Except... there are periods of time, usually every five years, where he gets very very explicit about his abuse. During these periods, I've had to move out due to fear that he would murder one of us or my sister. The first I can remember was when I was seven, and the next at twelve. I mix up events from these two fairly often because I can't tell where the memories fit into place on a timeline.

Both times we stayed with her sister, but eventually moved back in after a period of months. I remember that both times my sister had to take care of me before we moved (feed me, take me to school, bring me back, ect.) because my mother wasn't capable of it. We're ten years apart, and my sister had to move back and get a job when I was twelve to get money for food since neither of my parents were working. I remember not eating frequently or throwing up from anxiety. My mother used me as an emotional crutch almost constantly, and I still have problems with being hugged or held a certain way because of how often she would cry on me for hours. I told her that this bothered me later, and she apologized but sounded honestly shocked that it was an issue. She then immediately cried and used me as an emotional crutch again sans contact.

When I was about thirteen, my grandmother on my father's side died. For months before that, we were in a Hospice building all hours of the day. I would leave school, immediately be escorted there, and expected to console family members because I was easy to talk to and empathetic. I often wouldn't eat (I was barred from eating at school due to money), with those same family members telling me that the food available was only for those who were "important". They would literally send someone out for food and not give me any even though I hadn't eaten in over a day (this time extended as her death got closer). I asked and they said that they were too busy to feed me. My mother was busy consoling my father and trying to prevent him from killing himself. One night at about 11, my mother and I heated up food for me to eat at the Hospice building. It was the first time that I had her attention in weeks.

The problem is that when she is under stress, it's like she forgets that I also need attention. I know she tried her best, but with him controlling the money and her attention, I was sidelined. She loves me and listens to me and always has, but I don't trust her fully to be able to do these things when these periods happen again. There was a period earlier this year, but not as dramatic as the ones before. I didn't have to move out, but I was upset and resentful that when the topic of divorce came up, my mother didn't push for it to happen. I'm leaving next year and I just wish that he would be out of my life so I didn't have to deal with him or consider these things anymore.

My father also has slapped me in front of her multiple times and she seems to have forgotten, even proudly boasting that they "don't parent like that". He threatened to kill me several times in front of her, and it's played off as a joke. He has thrown freezing water on me and hit me until I was dizzy, then convinced her it was self-defense. Any quoting of his verbal abuse was met with suspicion and "Are you sure? That doesn't sound like him." He explicitly told me that he would rather I get hit by a car and die than waste my education. She didn't believe me when I told her. He constantly talks to her like our relationship is capable of being repaired if he only does one special thing, and she pleads with me to "be nice to him".

Why should I "be nice" when this is the same man who emotionally and verbally abused me for years? Is she right? What if I'm making this up? What if I'm pinning everything on him because I don't want to blame her? Should I hold her accountable for those periods of time where he verbally abuses her and takes up so much of her time that I'm sidelined? I don't know what to do. Is she neglectful if his abuse is the reason? Does this even count as neglect or just general bad parenting? Am I expecting too much?

Thank you so much for reading this and I appreciate any advice you might have.
 
I was briefly but had to move back unfortunately. I'll be out permanently early next year.
 
chap, you are a man now so walk away. If your mum is struggling to leave these abusive men, you can't alter her behaviour. Do you feel she is in any harm? In which case get the police involved. If you think she is just willing to accept that, support her but think of yourself. Thoughts?
 
chap, you are a man now so walk away. If your mum is struggling to leave these abusive men, you can't alter her behaviour....

I know I can't help her but I'm just confused on how to feel about her in general. I can't get the police involved because they already proved that they won't help her even with physical evidence. I'm not asking for advice on how to help her. I'm asking for advice on if I should blame her or if this is even worth worrying about. I tried to help her before, but obviously it didn't work. She won't accept help because she just sees it as a flaw of his she has to put up with.
 
I think the answers will come in time. It may take you decades to see the full reality of the situation. For the longest time I had a certain view of my home life, with my dad being the good guy and my mom the villain. It turns out that my view wasn’t reality, and I wasn’t able to see the truth until just this past year. (I’m in my 30’s.) I wouldn’t worry about making a decision about anything. Just let your opinion evolve over time. The truth will come to you eventually. Hugs.
 
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