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Conflicting Feelings About Abusers

Discussion in 'General' started by nov_silence, Nov 23, 2006.

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  1. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

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    First of all, I want to express how hard it is to post my feelings. I realize that I encourage others not to hide, to bring themselves... when I constantly struggle with whether I should post or not. I am afraid of being too petty or that my feelings are not aren't [ ] (important, common, whining, not a big deal, etc) enough to share.

    But I will take a risk anyway.

    I don't know if I really forgive my mother for hurting me the way she did throughout my childhood. I have started to share about the physical and psychological abuse in my public trauma diary...but have not gone in depth. I did a ton of work in an AWESOME outpatient group program in Washington DC on this too...

    *Cracking knuckles*

    I think I still hate her. I love her and hate her. If she died tomorrow, I don't know if I would cry out of loss (of her, myself, both?) or spit on her grave or both. She has worked really hard to own up to stuff... but then would take it back saying that she did the best she could and that she was a good mother... "look how you turned out... I must have done something good." When in actuality, I have gained achievements through the power of fear (enforced by her). Fear of failure, looking like a failure, not setting a good example to my cousins (first generation American from West Indian background... so much pressure... they were all watching). So now she can beat her chest in pride... while I still cower in fear of not being good enough.

    I hate the fact that she wants me to get over the things she did and said. I hate the fact that she boasts and stretches the truth about my achievements to her brother, sisters and close friends. I hate the fact I am at her house for Thanksgiving and want to throw up, cut, drink, not sleep... while I am here. I hate the things she won't own up to. I hate the way she treats the dogs I grew up with (keeps them in theshower all day, all night long, with two towels on cold tiles and lets them bang into walls they are blind... won't take them out on a leash). I hate the way her voice of condemnation has joined up with my own and haunts me, my self-image, my body image, my thoughts, my sexuality... I hate the senseless stupid shit she says without stopping to think about what she is saying. I hate the way she sees my struggles as a personal assault on her, asking "why are you trying to destroy me" when she noticed all the scars on my left arm from cutting. I hate how it always ends up being about her and not my feelings or experiences. I hate that fact that she will never understand the depth of how much she hurt me. I hate the fact that I feel so f'n conflicted when it comes to loving her, being afraid of losing her, wanting her to suffer, not wanting her to suffer, wishing she would just die, and wishing that she had never had me.


    I don't mean to sound childish. I know that there are decisions I can make for myself. Some that I have made are: not talking to her very often, not visiting her house (I don't call it 'home' anymore), letting her know that she said something inappropriate, letting myself have my feelings and giving myself time to sort through them so I am not constantly reacting from a hurt place. Tonight is the first night I have been to her house since early July. And I don't want to be here. I can't sleep. Don't want to. I end up watching the door when I am here (afraid that she will come in and beat me like she used to when I was little- she loved those middle of the night surprises-no she doesn't hit me anymore). I don't trust her. I don't want to need her. I don't even see her as my mother at this point. She is a woman that I am related to... and I resent the actions she chose to take.

    Has anyone else struggled with feelings like this?

    I also struggle with feelings about my dad (physical and psychological abuse) and Michael (sexual abuse)
     
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  3. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    nov,

    You don't sound in the least bit childish. You sound like someone who's been hurt and is pissed about it. And good for you that you got it out. Writing down how you're feeling is hard...especially when it's about the tough stuff. There's been a couple of times I've almost had to tie myself to my chair to type.

    My brother (while not an abuser) has lied, stolen, cheated and used his way through the entire family to the point that, while I wish him no harm, I don't want anything to do with him anymore. I feel conflicted and guilty about that in a lot of ways, too. That's the thing about family...they're always family and no matter how much you want the connection to go away, it doesn't. But that doesn't mean you have to like them, be around them, take their phone calls or deal with them in any way shape or form.

    May I ask, why are you staying in her house for the holiday? Why not a hotel? If asked, you could just say that you like the privacy at a hotel.

    Your mom is playing the guilt game with you and it sounds like she's an old pro. And when you get around her...you feel like a kid again. Especially when you're in her house. That's pretty common for just about everyone who, as an adult, comes back to their parent's house. But since you went through so much bad shit as a kid with your mom, it's so much worse for you.

    ((((Hugs)))) and more ((((Hugs))))
     
  4. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Ohhh lordy, I have struggled every minute of every day about this with my mother. I love her, I hate her summed it up perfectly. Well said. You were very eloquent in how you stated what you are feeling in that post. I have no advice or handy hints on this one. I'm struggling working through boundries and triggers and trauma myself where my mother is concerned. Your feelings are normal though. Many, many of us struggle through this one.

    Bec
     
  5. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

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    I felt by coming to her house for turkey day, I would be able to cross it off my list. I have three dogs and would be hard pressed to find a hotel where they could stay... besides money is tight. I am only here until Saturday. Of course she doesn't know that yet....

    Ladies thanks for your responses. I was nervous about posting. It took me a while to get it out. But it feels good. I went to bed around 5:30 this morning. Just scared and I know that I cried out throughout the night "No!"

    Sometimes I think that my upbringing could have been a lot worse.. that maybe I am just "tender" or "soft." Bottom line is that I have always been a deep feeling person and hate the fact that people know this about me.... makes me feel too vulnerable. Hence my social life tends to oscillate between being home with my hubber and the dogs and going to work.
     
  6. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    oh, nov, i could have written that post, except for the cutting. that's why i'm sitting here in my pj's on Thanksgiving while my husband works down at church. 2 of my children are at her house, having thanksgiving. it is closer for one, and the other lives locally. the other is having thanksgiving with her in-laws. i am jealous that my children love her, even though i worked so hard at keeping things "normal" for their relationship with her. they know nothing of the physical/emotional abuse from her, or the other from my grandfather, or the ptsd for that matter. being 400-700miles apart makes it a little easier to get by with not telling them. i know what you mean thinking it could have been worse, but it was bad enough for you, obviously, or you wouldn't be here! hang in there!
    cathy
     
  7. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Please do not think it could have been worse or that you are soft. That is not the case in any form or fashion!

    You did really well at putting the feelings out there and they are valid. We all get like that. I know I feel like my mother had thrown me under the bus so to speak. You know my mom tries the guilt trips... I tell her to call my sister with them, they don't work on me. She was just a neglectful drunk who really did not hit me often. She just turned blind a eye to abuse. If at some point she would have protected I may not feel like I do about her. But she let things go on and put me in bad positions that she knew were not safe. I don't even bother asking why.

    Holidays are hard with family as I too am sitting in a pair of jammies in front of a computer. The holidays are celebrations and everything is expected to be just fine while a whole group of people pretend there are no issues, no one has problems, life is just grand... What a farce. It is just not doable for me because I know I would sit and mentally pick apart most in the room about what they know, what they hide, and get pissed off it does not seem to effect them and me knowing I am probably the only one dwelling on it or have it crossing their mind. Big smiles and laughter and seemingly joyus, I would just want to smack the hell out of them all. Because unlike them I can't just turn this shit "off".

    I know where you are coming from in the heart, it is hard with parents. I had to make a choice about my dad and his side of the family and I chose to walk away. No calls, no email, a piece of mail every blue moon shows up, I know of events through my sister and just do not go. Everytime I was involved with them it seemed like more drama than my mind could handle so I just decided to shut that door and move on and I no longer feel bad for making that choice. It was something I had to do for my mental well being.

    Mom has been on the chopping block with me for awhile, but not enough strenght in me to swing that one as of yet. It may happen as due to her actions she has cut herself from her whole family and the type of people they are she had the ties my sister and I had cut off too. So she is the only person I deal with. That and my step dad and his mother. He fights with his family which is not large so they have nothing to do with us either except his mom. The hard part for me is cutting off his mom and my paternal grandmother. I mean they are wise women. His mom was abused by her husband who just died. My grandmother, she is a saint and just lost my grandfater to death recently too. These women now alone could probably give me a wealth of knowledge but I am ashamed and feel guilty if I burden them with my issues. Things the family has spent years to conceal from them saying they do not need to worry. I used to think let them decide but as their life closes I prefer to let them not know.

    When I move and start over where I can walk out side and am not bombarded by reminders I may just cut my mom off. Let me just start fresh and new as my husband is trying so hard to do for me.

    I am trying so hard not feel like a failure walking away from all I know. But everything around me is a reminder to how messed up everything was or a trigger. Did PTSD beat me? I have no clue. I am just trying to do what I need to keep my head together for my family at home. I can't be a good mom if I am in a constant state of panic. And if that means a new state, with different plants, and landscape, and people... I try not to see it is running. But I try to think of it as like a person jacked up from joining the military would be and do... Would they live on a base? Probably not.

    At some point I have to cut the torture out of my life and what I am doing. Not easy at all.

    Lord, I did not mean to go on a rant but I did. I knew there was a reason I was not posting! My head has just been swimming with those thoughts. I really hate holidays... I hope yours improves. I think I am going to have a drink and zone out in some cartoons... Maybe a nap too.
     
  8. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Antoinette, very well done. A good leap of faith you have taken, and it is already shown above in positive support for you. Really well done. I will discuss more with you in your diary.
     
  9. kimG

    kimG Well-Known Member

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    Nov,

    You are not alone!

    I still hate my mother and she died 14 years ago! I cut off contact with her the last 5 months of her life and she died pretty much alone; my aunt took care of the funeral arrangements and I went only as a formality. During the viewing I stood across the room, as far away from her as I could. During the graveside service the only thought that kept running through my mind was the fact that I was sitting on my dad (his grave).

    The best day of my life was the day she died.

    I am pissed constantly about what she did and allowed to be done to me. I am pissed at her because she died before I ever got the chance to confront her. I am pissed at her because she chose me (I was adopted) even though she really didn't want me (I was adopted for my father). I am pissed because (in my fantasy mind) I could've been adopted by someone who gave a rat's ass about me. I am pissed because I am pissed.

    And here it is, Thanksgiving. I've been crying all day because I am alone. My husband spent the day playing a video game (yes, the entire day, except for the time he vacuumed the family room - whoohoo!), my girls are celebrating with their father and his family, and I am so lonely. I tried to explain my feelings to my husband (because he asked), and he got bent out of shape, feeling like I was telling him that he doesn't count. No amount of explaining helped, and I finally told him I wasn't going to talk about it. I slept on and off, in between crying fits, throughout the day and am crying right now.

    Holidays suck.

    So, no...you're not alone.
     
  10. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

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    I am so sorry for your pain, KimG.

    A part of my wishes my mother was dead. Not that that would be an instant solution... or a solution of any kind. I just can't stand her.
     
  11. GR-ass

    GR-ass Well-Known Member

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    Hell Nov, that post is me.

    Looks over at brother who she wishes were dead. I hate my brother, I hate the way he treated me, the things he did to me. I hate that he lied about it, that he put the blame on me.

    I also love my brother because he is my brother. I was bought up to believe that family stick together but boys, you raped me. Brothers don't do that to their sisters.

    I despise my mother. I detest the way she has ignored me every time I have asked for help. I despise the way that even after she knew about the abuse she still tries to get me and bro dearest to play nice.
    I despise the way she takes his side in everything then tries to justify it to me. I despise the way she blames me for causing problems, blames me for cutting and won't admit to herself that I am not punishing her.

    I hate that she makes me feel so guilty about having to move back to her place. I hate that my brother never has to work for anything in life, he just gets it given to him (mainly by mother dearest)

    I hate the way my mother knows just what to say to make me feel the worst about myself.

    I hate the way that the only way I could admit this was after a few drinks.
     
  12. Josh77

    Josh77 Active Member

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    nov silence,
    I'm new here so I won't say much, but I can relate to your ambivolent feelings toward your mother for I feel the same way about my brother (who I will refer to as "Steve"; I have hate for him, but I also love him because there are some good qualities to "Steve" (small and few, but there nonetheless). If I can be of any help, just let me know... otherwise just know that I am listening to you and can relate!!
     
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