1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The Daily Dose

Get the last 24hrs of new topics delivered to your inbox.

Click Here to Subscribe

Confronting Problems

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Nicolette, Aug 16, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

    16,631
    37,113
    31,963
    I have been wondering of late how those experienced Carers of PTSD suffers deal with confronting a loved one about an issue you need to discuss with them?

    Why I ask this is what happens when something is driving you crazy and you want to talk about it with your partner (and it is too personal to discuss with friends or it directly relates to the partner) but you know your partner is not well or it may make them ill? What do you do?

    Avoidance is not a solution from my view point as if something is broken but no-one knows about it, well then it can't be fixed. How do you approach these situations?

    I have thought about putting off the discussion to a time when the suffer is better (or not as ill) but I am sure there will be times when something is urgent and cannot wait or may just lose its relevance if left.

    I am curious to learn of other's experience with these situations as, while I have not been placed in such a position, I have found there are times when I want to vent or just discuss what is happening but have found myself holding back in fear of making my partner worse.

    Does anyone have any good ideas on handling such situations?
     
  2. Register to participate in live chat, PTSD discussion and more.
  3. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

    16,631
    37,113
    31,963
    Hi Kathy

    I was just thinking perhaps I should have started this thread in the public section as some input from PTSD suffers may be interesting?

    I will leave it up to your discretion.

    Thanks
    Nicolette
     
  4. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

    1,822
    74
    0
    I have moved the thread to public carers for you Nicolette. I believe you may get some good advice from the sufferers as well. I will make a comment later on, however I need to ponder it a while. One thing I will mention briefly however; when your loved one is very ill, you really must pick your battles and endeavour to not overwhelm them. If the issue is something relatively minor, I would leave it alone until your partner is more able to cope. Remember their stress levels can quickly overflow, even from some minor complaint or criticism. Though Evie is not a partner and the dynamics are somewhat different, Jim and I have confronted her whilst very ill, however only over things we found absolutely unacceptable to us, such as lying, violent behaviour and suicidal ideation. We certainly would not confront her over something such as not speaking to us politely or leaving the bathroom untidy. I suppose I am saying, make sure the issue in question is not something which can be put off until later.
     
  5. Damiea

    Damiea Well-Known Member

    you know I have run into this some seeing how we come in contact with the person suffering PTSD is when she is overflowing with stress and acting out and causing the confrontation.
    Now in my case there isn't all that much I can do but I have thought that leaving notes or writing a letter might help. As in.. they see the note.. know you have an issue to talk about.. but its up to them if they feel able to take that issue on right at the moment... or need to prepare themselfs some before discussing it. They could also read it and not bring it up to you untill after they have thought about it themselves. which might help prevent the sometimes automatic defensive lash back sort of thing sometimes you get. They could also write back some asking further details or something as they take the time to organize and think about the issue some too.
    Its just that I find a face to face confrontation only elevates an already stressfull situation.. and lots of times when things are being said.. not all is heard by them when they are upset. And its very hard to tell when and what they hear and what they miss when they are to stressed and in defensive react mode sort of thing. I also tend to mess up what I want to say.. trying to keep things calm.. or forget some things all togeather. And its usually when something is first brought up that is the hardest time.. talking about it more in detail later seems so much easyer on everyone.
    Just an idea anyway!
     
  6. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

    752
    17
    0
    Thats a hard one my trouble is I like to get things done and we argue a lot because of this. You would think after 25 years of marriage you could talk to someone easily but lately I find myself umming and ahhing as to should I mention something to him it doesnt matter how trivial it could be. It shits me that life is like this at times! Here we go to treading on eggshells again!!
    Jen
     
  7. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    3,530
    108
    0
    I say simply just plant a seed.

    Now I will try to explain this the best I can for me and my life along with how my husband does it.

    Simple things that are really nothing when it comes to the whole scheme of life over a lifetime is pretty much a non issue and not even mentioned. Like as mentioned before the untidy bathroom. But you must understand between my husband, a three year old, and teenage boy even on my sloppy days I am still neater than them! I am the one upset as untidy areas send my symptoms in overdrive.

    But things that effect long term aspects I say casually mention. Works for us here. See while it may take "forever" to make actual changes the thought of what ever is mentioned is always in our head. We will pull it apart, beat ourself up, try to figure out and plan the best course of action... What may take some a few weeks to get things straight we can be in the months range or more. It is not ignoring or being lazy, we just have to make sure we figure out the best way to do it. But if it is not fast enough for another and that turns into nagging we can switch from the issue to trying to just get the other to hush and develope resentment.

    So I say plant the seed, or give a sigh in those moments later to do with it... For someone fresh healing the need a harder shove. For those who have been through the ringer healing just lightly let them know your thoughts and back off. You cannot spread your wings if someone has you in a harness... As for Anthony I would say just plant the little seed and wait to see if it sprouts. It most likely will as we have seen what destructive behavior can do two fold and that is the last thing we want to have happen again.
     
  8. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

    752
    17
    0
    Hi Veiled thank you for that explanation it gives me something to think about!
    Jen
     
  9. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    3,530
    108
    0
    Jen,

    I must admit I did not read the other posts, a fault I have in the carer section as it can be pretty harsh to read. I went and looked back. But as you mentioned trivial things... If they are trivial then are they really worth conflict? My husband loves me to cook and for a long time I hated it, get confused. I could do it blindfolded before. But him just coming to "help" like peel a potato or know what I need when I get stuck, it makes it so much easier and him being involved makes it pleasant now and something I want to do when he is helping.

    Now I have long known many here see him as pacifing or enabling. He, I will admit, gives in to several of my needs. He is not near as deamanding as is advised. If he had been I would not be where I am now. When the world was hard he was a nice safe spot to fall every time. And if I needed to rest in the soft spot I was allowed, and everytime I crawled back up.

    It comes down to wanting to be better and do better. I was not happy in my state, now I am so happy in what I find now. I do advocate a more soft approach than is the norm here from carers but support a more firm approach from others who have to walk this same walk. As that is how I flourished, but understand how some PTSDers may be enabled by such things fro a carer. It really varies person to person and relationship to relationship. There is no cookie cutter version as no one treatment works for us, neither does that in the home.

    One hard life issue we deal with, me drinking. My doctors do not believe I have an issue. I have wondered and went to them. I was shocked as I thought I would surely be labled. I try to give it a break and not do it for wrong reasons. Never try to "quit" yet. My hubs has been sober for many many years now. It bothers him personally because of his own past. He knows where alcholism can lead. So can I as my parents are. He has planted the seed. He has said he is worried about it. Thing is I have been on so many drugs he did not press it. He simply mentioned it. For a year now I have processed it and been more aware of my consumption. I don't do it daily and try to do it when I feel good (not always) and am just having fun relaxing.

    He seems to have opted for me to let my priorites judge it. That being all the doc's dope first. I am sure alcohol will be next not because he wants, but because it does bother him and I want to quit smoking. I cannot have a drink and not smoke... So I will get ready to quit smoking and will try to make him happy by not drinking first. Once alochol is gone I can do what I want. This has been a couple years now and weaning off dope for a year. See how it can take us a while to come around to the original thought?

    I never forgot what he has said, it is on my mind daily, I am just trying to lay the best path for me to get there. I also am grateful to be confident in knowing no matter how long my road he will walk it with me until the end. Knowing his love is uncoditional does not make me feel there is more room to mess up, but there is more room and time to heal to get on with our life. There is no timetable. Being no timetable even if he gets flustered has helped me heal my own way and most of all heal as I never worry he will be gone one day. I know we will truly die of old age together.

    Ok sorry to thread jack... Just was overwhelmed typing knowing how much myhusband and I love each other as I know so many of you do.
     
  10. Jen

    Jen Well-Known Member

    752
    17
    0
    Gee Veiled that was good reading you seem like you are in a good place at the moment well done!
    Jen
     
Loading...
Similar Threads - Confronting Problems
  1. clarapark
    Replies:
    17
    Views:
    691
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
Show Sidebar