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Relationship Considering Taking A Break. Confused And Emotionally Exhausted.

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Bukowski25

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I am confused. I am strongly considering taking a break from my LTR. I am thinking a three-month period, and possibly moving out after that time and dating while living separately. My boyfriend has PTSD and we have been together for a year and a half. (Living together for a year). We have had our fair share of rough spots throughout our relationship. Like any relationship, both of us are at fault, but his PTSD symptoms (mainly in terms of temper) have kind of melded into our general relationship issues. Generally, his emotional response to any kind of stress in his life is anger, and thus that emotion and his reactions take a center stage in any argument or disagreement and become a part of said issue. This is mainly through screaming, irrational thinking/thinking in superlatives and worst case scenarios, and avoidance.

Major issues aside, it is really just consistent minor flares that have made me reach a breaking point as of late. I want to support him and I love him, he is in therapy and has made substantial progress in the time I have known him. But I feel being in close proximity to him constantly throughout this journey is starting to wear me down. I feel I am losing myself in supporting him and I am losing sight of what is healthy for me. He has never been violent towards me and I do not have any fear that he would ever physically hurt me. But, when he is upset he becomes more clumsy and doesn't think things through. Slamming things etc. I have always told him that I fear he is going to slam into me during one of these moments and inadvertently injure me. And that I wouldn't know what to do with that... This morning it finally happened. His cell phone alarm went off this morning and I woke up, picked up the phone and put it on his tummy for him to turn off or reset, and went to pee. When I came back, I deduced that he had rolled over and dropped the phone or lost it. It was still going off, which I know is stressful but doesn't warrant a tantrum. I entered and saw him kicking at a storage box next to the bed in frustration. I was prepared to ignore him and began getting back into bed. Just at that moment he reached under the mattress to lift it upwards and look under it. His motion was dramatic (and overly strong to lift the mattress, it was a big "I am frustrated" yank) but my weight held it down and he arm shot back and his elbow hit me in the eye. Thankfully it only hurt and was not hard enough to bruise. I have no idea what I would do if it did.

His response was that it was an accident and he is so sorry. It was an accident, I don't argue that. But it was due to him not taking time to calm down. I know him when he is frustrated. He doesn't think clearly, he is more physical in how he walks and moves things.

Similar losses of temper preceded this all weekend. (They are fairly regular in general, once a week at the least). Friday I was helping him find an outfit for a wedding and his response to my suggestion to wear black jeans with a sports jacket as it was casual was "I am going to a wedding, I am not going off to suck dick". I know he was feeling a time crunch, frustration and insecurity (things that set him off) but you don't act like an ass to someone trying to help you. Saturday, the day of the wedding, he again was rushing to get ready and couldn't find an iron, couldn't find his shoes (when he is upset he can't find anything) and was screaming and shouting curses to himself sporadically for twenty minutes. Sunday we ordered food and he noticed he had missed a call from the delivery man two minutes prior. He immediately shouted a string of profanity (at his phone, since it wasn't on silent and should have rang), this frustration carried into a conversation with the delivery man. Apparently the delivery many couldn't find our address and my boyfriend had to repeat the address multiple times. The last time he was actually shouting it into the phone. He claims this was for the gentleman on the phone to hear, but that is plain and simply not true.

He wants me to tell him when his behavior is threatening, or "abnormal" (for lack of a better word,) because he often doesn't realize if it is so, because he knows that employees/coworkers/acquaintances/strangers wouldn't do so. I do so, but of course that adds an extra messy layer to our relationship. I am then accused of always making him the bad guy and being on a high horse. After reflecting on discussions like this he often comes back and thanks me, but many times it just adds to tension.

When things are good, they are great. He is amazing and we are very compatible. But, when seemingly anything stressful happens, things take a downturn. And with life, that can be once a week or every single day.

Right now I feel I just want a break, maybe three months, to be on my own and focus on my self and reflect. I need him to take some extra steps to work on his temper. Whether is be exercise (which he has never tried) or changing his diet, meditation etc. Beyond that I don't know if it is a healthy thing for me to live with him at the moment. I know that that change won't take three months, and I am considering finding my own place after that break. I want to grow with him as a couple, and I know part of that comes in cohabitation, but for the moment I feel it is just crushing what we share. But am I then avoiding an issue? The hope is that he would reach a better place, and we could continue to put energy into our relationship and move back in with each other when he felt like he was in a better place.

I know this is a bit of a rant and I apologize. I know it's hard to give any specific advice, but any sharing of experience would be helpful.
 
Right now I feel I just want a break, maybe three months, to be on my own and focus on my self and reflect. I need him to take some extra steps to work on his temper. Whether is be exercise (which he has never tried) or changing his diet, meditation etc. Beyond that I don't know if it is a healthy thing for me to live with him at the moment. I know that that change won't take three months, and I am considering finding my own place after that break. I want to grow with him as a couple, and I know part of that comes in cohabitation, but for the moment I feel it is just crushing what we share.
I think this is really well-considered and insightful, and sounds a lot better than carrying on the way things are.
 
You know what they say - nothing changes if nothing changes. You are looking to make a change to help your relationship. Seems like a good idea to me.
 
Ultimately you have to do what is best for your wellbeing, and you know that better than anyone else.

Bear in mind that he may not react the way you hope (i.e. work on his temper) and he may feel (even if it isn't true) that you are abandoning him.
 
I agree with Purplemunchkin.... he might blame you for abandoning him.

You don't say if you're attending therapy individually or together? Have you considered it? I've reached the point with my fiancee where I want him to go to therapy with me so that we can talk about when these things happen because he sometimes doesn't apologize for his behavior and sometimes continues to blame me....

Its always a hard call, and only you know what's best for you. I do know this... If you've been in a relationship with him for eighteen months you've seen enough of him to know if the good outweighs the bad. If you've been strong enough to support him and be there for him then you're strong enough to make it on your own.

I'm at that same point now, and I no longer know which way is up. I wish you a lot of luck and hugs....
 
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