I just want my life to be livable. Im in my early 20s now; i am finally at an okay spot in my life. Coping and adjusting seems near impossible. I've grown up in a home with a mother who was verbally, psychologically and physically abusive. Was not a good mother by any means. Lived in basically a closet & filthy home & watched my mom do cocain for about 5 or 6 years. Always dealing with her come downs telling her how it upsets me she does this infront of me and always being told im wrong, never having the things a child should have because thats what shed spend her money on. As soon as i graduated high school I moved in with a boy who was physically abusive towards me & am living with resurfaced memories of sexual abuse. I moved back home with my mom after too long because I didnt know where else to go. Now i stay with my grandma who's really good to me and am trying to move to a place of my own again but i just cant seem to find a way to cope or adjust to a decent life. My mom still plays with my brain and its so hard to not let her because I crave a parent child relationship more than anything. She will build me up just to tear me down at the first opportunity. At night all I do is cry and the rest of the day i feel so much anxiety I can barely make it through the work day. I never know how to communicate my feelings to anyone. When I drive I never wear a seatbelt anymore because I cant kill myself but I dont want to see tomorrow most days. I wish I was a bird so I could fly away every single day. I have such a good boyfriend now but he just doesnt understand. We come from two different worlds and its like he sometimes gets mad or has no patience to be my rock. I think to him its something I can just get over but I live with it everyday and its so hard. I dont have nightmares that i remember but I can never sleep to begin with. I feel like im just ruining my relationship. I feel like he hates me and resents me because if the way that my past makes me act. I used to drown the pain in playing games and thats how we met we are in a long distance relationship and I know that doesnt help things. I dont have a computer anymore to play games so I don't really have anything in my daily routine that makes me feel happiness. I feel like a burdan and annoyance to everyone around me. Im not a bad person and I love to see and make people happy so I can live vicariously through them. Maybe thats selfish, I cant seem to figure it out. I bought my grandfather balloons the other day because he did something nice for me and my grandma told me later that was the first time anyones every gotten him balloons; this is now one of the best memories I will ever have. I just want to live a normal life and I'm presented with the opportunity and I just can't the sad feelings and feelings of anxiety and depression I cannot escape. To the people around me in my everyday life I probably seem like just a normal happy girl; I wish that could be me on the inside & at night when im alone.