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Coping is so hard

Discussion in 'Anonymous' started by Izakus, Oct 12, 2017 at 3:58 AM.

  1. Bezasu

    Bezasu Anonymous

    I just want my life to be livable. Im in my early 20s now; i am finally at an okay spot in my life. Coping and adjusting seems near impossible. I've grown up in a home with a mother who was verbally, psychologically and physically abusive. Was not a good mother by any means. Lived in basically a closet & filthy home & watched my mom do cocain for about 5 or 6 years. Always dealing with her come downs telling her how it upsets me she does this infront of me and always being told im wrong, never having the things a child should have because thats what shed spend her money on. As soon as i graduated high school I moved in with a boy who was physically abusive towards me & am living with resurfaced memories of sexual abuse. I moved back home with my mom after too long because I didnt know where else to go. Now i stay with my grandma who's really good to me and am trying to move to a place of my own again but i just cant seem to find a way to cope or adjust to a decent life. My mom still plays with my brain and its so hard to not let her because I crave a parent child relationship more than anything. She will build me up just to tear me down at the first opportunity. At night all I do is cry and the rest of the day i feel so much anxiety I can barely make it through the work day. I never know how to communicate my feelings to anyone. When I drive I never wear a seatbelt anymore because I cant kill myself but I dont want to see tomorrow most days. I wish I was a bird so I could fly away every single day.
    I have such a good boyfriend now but he just doesnt understand. We come from two different worlds and its like he sometimes gets mad or has no patience to be my rock. I think to him its something I can just get over but I live with it everyday and its so hard. I dont have nightmares that i remember but I can never sleep to begin with. I feel like im just ruining my relationship. I feel like he hates me and resents me because if the way that my past makes me act. I used to drown the pain in playing games and thats how we met we are in a long distance relationship and I know that doesnt help things. I dont have a computer anymore to play games so I don't really have anything in my daily routine that makes me feel happiness. I feel like a burdan and annoyance to everyone around me. Im not a bad person and I love to see and make people happy so I can live vicariously through them. Maybe thats selfish, I cant seem to figure it out. I bought my grandfather balloons the other day because he did something nice for me and my grandma told me later that was the first time anyones every gotten him balloons; this is now one of the best memories I will ever have. I just want to live a normal life and I'm presented with the opportunity and I just can't the sad feelings and feelings of anxiety and depression I cannot escape. To the people around me in my everyday life I probably seem like just a normal happy girl; I wish that could be me on the inside & at night when im alone.
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  3. Ucote

    Ucote Anonymous

    Do you have a therapist? If not I'd suggest one as you need that one on one to work all of this out, in my oponion.

    There are MANY things one can do without a computer. What sort of non-technological things do you like to do.

    For me, at the moment, it's paracord braiding (or knotting) as I am need of so many custom things that need to be made from paracord. It's fun for me and very relaxing (and distracting). It's like knitting or croceting in that way.

    Before that I taught myself how to pick locks and bought a lock picking set on Amazon. Once I could pick their see through 6 pin basic lock in a few seconds with my eye closed I started to gather more and more locks to pick increasing difficulity as I went. It was fun and relaxing in an odd way and very satifying when it got picked.

    I have adult coloring books that are hella calming and are so detailed.

    Do you draw or write? Or can you teach yourself. That helps as well.

    I'd keep doing calming activities but I would also get this DBT workbook:
    https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572245131/?tag=pf03-20. It has you write down distracting ideas that you are most likely to do off a list and self soothing ideas you are most likely to do off a list on a card and you are to keep them with you so if you need to distract or self soothe it is there. A sort of an emergency thing. DBT is about emotional regulation and distress tolerance so I can see that as a huge help.

    This is normal but you need to learn how to lay and adhere to boundries. Something a therapist would help you with.

    Distorted thinking.

    One thing that really helped me was to stop the "everyone" and "no one" verbage and to either say "some", "a few", or a certian number because "everyone" and "no one" incudes every single person on this planet including me and everyone else on this site and I certianly don't think these things about you. So I'd change the way you are speaking to yourself for sure, or really in general. Even what we type on here has a lot of power in your own life I've learned.

    Lastly, I am sorry for what you went through. It is hard to heal but certianly not impossible.
    Rain likes this.
  4. Izakus

    Izakus Anonymous

    I agree so much with everything said. Especially the DBT workbook which I am currently working on. There is way out of the quagmire you find yourself in and I do think you need to read on Boundaries for the problems with your mom. This will always be a source of grief for you until you really begin to help to start saving yourself, you are so worth fighting for, and your boyfriend does not sound very healthy for you either from what you have shared about him so far. I am sure he has his good qualities too or you would not be with him, but you are going to need some really healthy good supportive people in your life and until you begin to treat yourself better, you will be surrounded with unhealthy people who will drag you down. This is how it is for most survivors of horrendous abuse. I wish you the best.
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