Gloria
MyPTSD Pro
Recently I was asked to do a video taped interview because a high functioning person with a history of multiple trauma was required. I had already been assessed and I filled the requirements and was more than happy to do the interview. However, I started to envision myself on a video talking about all the trauma incidents in my life. The interview started to be on my mind constantly. I was getting very triggered and started having almost continuous flashbacks. I knew I was going to have go back in time and relive those incidents. I decided to decline to do the video interviews.
When I refused I was assured that everything would be confidential. I knew this person thought that I was like too many PTSD sufferers that felt embarrassed or ashamed to have people know the dirty little secrets that we have in our memories.
However, that is not the case with me. Long before I actually got diagnosed with PTSD, I spoke in front of hundreds of people in audiences to help prevent suicide. My brother had committed suicide and I told the story of our horrific childhood sharing details of the physical, psychological and sexual abuse.
Everything was written out for my speech. I had to have it written down as it was so easy to look out in the audience seeing pain in the faces of the audience and lose track of what I needed to say. I remember that every time I shared my story I made sure that I discussed the difference between shame and guilt.
I think that people who commit suicide feel intense shame. Shame is different than guilt. You feel guilty if you have done something wrong but with shame you feel that you are wrong/bad/evil.
I am high functioning and I think the reason that I am high functioning can be attributed to my faith in God. I believe that I am a precious child of God and I am not ashamed. I can tell people what happened to me because I know that I did nothing to deserve the abuse.
To give an example of this in my speech, I referred to a lecture that is frequently given at business seminars about a twenty dollar bill. The instructor will hold up the money and ask if anyone wants the twenty dollar bill and everyone raises their hand. Then the instructor puts the money on the floor and smudges his dirty shoe on it. The instructor again asks who wants the twenty dollar bill and everyone still raises their hand. It’s still worth twenty dollars.
The analogy in this exercise is that even if we are stepped on and dirty we are still worth just as much.
I beg anyone reading this to know that no one needs to feel shame for something that was done to us. Hold your head up high and know you are not to blame.
When I refused I was assured that everything would be confidential. I knew this person thought that I was like too many PTSD sufferers that felt embarrassed or ashamed to have people know the dirty little secrets that we have in our memories.
However, that is not the case with me. Long before I actually got diagnosed with PTSD, I spoke in front of hundreds of people in audiences to help prevent suicide. My brother had committed suicide and I told the story of our horrific childhood sharing details of the physical, psychological and sexual abuse.
Everything was written out for my speech. I had to have it written down as it was so easy to look out in the audience seeing pain in the faces of the audience and lose track of what I needed to say. I remember that every time I shared my story I made sure that I discussed the difference between shame and guilt.
I think that people who commit suicide feel intense shame. Shame is different than guilt. You feel guilty if you have done something wrong but with shame you feel that you are wrong/bad/evil.
I am high functioning and I think the reason that I am high functioning can be attributed to my faith in God. I believe that I am a precious child of God and I am not ashamed. I can tell people what happened to me because I know that I did nothing to deserve the abuse.
To give an example of this in my speech, I referred to a lecture that is frequently given at business seminars about a twenty dollar bill. The instructor will hold up the money and ask if anyone wants the twenty dollar bill and everyone raises their hand. Then the instructor puts the money on the floor and smudges his dirty shoe on it. The instructor again asks who wants the twenty dollar bill and everyone still raises their hand. It’s still worth twenty dollars.
The analogy in this exercise is that even if we are stepped on and dirty we are still worth just as much.
I beg anyone reading this to know that no one needs to feel shame for something that was done to us. Hold your head up high and know you are not to blame.