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Could have somehow affected my sexuality ?

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by acoa82, Sep 6, 2017.

  1. acoa82

    acoa82 Member

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    I'm really sorry but I don't know where to put this thread. But what I want to ask you It's related to sexuality. But let me be clear from beginning. I was not sexually abused. But still...
    I have complex ptsd, and also ACOA symptoms (domestic violence during childhood, alcoholic father, and so on). So it seems to me normal that one of my symptoms is problem with intimacy. When I had girlfriend many times I did not know how to relax when we had sex. These symptoms are common for people like me.
    But I was thinking. What if my problem has something in common with certain specific events. Or to be more precise - could that have somehow affected me ? When I think about that I feel pressure in the head and I want cry. During my life I shared with this only with two people and only twice, and that's all.

    So what hapenned. My father's alcoholism has worsened. At a later stage when I was still a child my parents didn't sleep together in the same room. My mother was afraid and was disgusted. So in the small flat (apartment ? whatever, it was cheap and small) she decided that I will sleep in the same room as she did. But my father used to ask for sex even when she did not want to. So during the late night they just had sex while I was there. Mother just struggeled it somehow silently. They thought I was asleep, but in fact, I was awake. It was sick, disgusting. I was so afraid to leave or even say something because he was the same person who has been threatened with killing us. Fortunately it was never so long. He did what he needed and went to his room.
    The second thing that happened was something what I call hostage situation. Sometimes, and no matter in which room we were, he simply decided to lock us in the room with him.
    Then, still drunk, he lamented how everything went wrong, then he cried, then he was angry, later he threatened us that he will kill us, throws us through the window (we lived on a higher floor) and so on, blah blah. But at some point sudenly he got a great idea that he want sex with mom. But fortunately in these situations they never had any. Maybe because of me, because I was awake, and because those situations were overall different then those when they had sex. In those situations I was the one who mostly persuaded him to let us go. It was basically negotiation. I manipulated him, I tried to be calm although my heart was beating like a horse in races, adrenaline in the blood was very high, I had to improvise often, in a second, it could rise in hell. You just never knew, we could be killed. Sometimes it happened during a deep night and mostly it took a long time (1 or 2 or 3 hours). Sometimes it was ended by the violent. As if there were not enough violence on other days.

    So I don't know. Do you think that these experiences could in some way affect my sexuality ?
     
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  3. acoa82

    acoa82 Member

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    ok. whatever. if administrator or soembody can delete this thread It would be fine. thanks
     
  4. Simply Simon

    Simply Simon Be Bold. Moderator Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    Hi @acoa82 .

    Sometimes it takes quite awhile to garner responses to posts; patience is a virtue when asking a community for feedback, especially in the midst of the work week. I read your post and felt somewhat confused about how to respond.

    Yes, your early experiences could have affected your sexuality. Trauma of any sort has a tendency to have far-reaching implications in many aspects of one's life--PTSD or not--and intimacy (sexual, emotional, whatever) is definitely a commonly affected area. I'm happy to validate that, if that's what this post is asking for, but you seem to already know this:

    So I am not really sure what you are struggling to understand. Is it that you really are not certain whether your trauma has impacted your ability to enjoy sex and intimacy (which you seem to know is a common problem for those who have experienced similar abuse)? Or are you really asking for how to navigate this issue moving forward in your intimate life?

    ETA: we don't delete content here, but next time you have a request for the administration, please raise a help ticket.
     
    Joan likes this.
  5. EveHarrington

    EveHarrington I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Please don't fret!

    I try to answer threads but sometimes they get pushed down and I don't see them. I think that may have happened here, that your thread may not have been seen by many for one reason or another.

    Yes, abuse can affect sexuality. I only discuss my issues in safe spaces as I've experienced backlash from those who don't understand.

    :hug:
     
  6. cactus_jack

    cactus_jack Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, it can and does affect sexuality. Back when I was raped I was 17. I was shocked, stunned, nauseated, that I could attract men but not women. It hurt me a lot, and I started asking myself who I was, really. We shouldn't bother trying to figure out WHY those things happen, instead how to counter them when they come up.

    So far, because of th mix of traumas I have had to live with, I have been celebate since 1/24/2000. The pain, the loneliness, it hurts so bad, sometimes it's unbearable. But better off with that pain than with "Lord knows what" if I have a relationship.
     
  7. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Active Member

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    Yes, you were sexually abused. Your mother was raped right beside you night after night. That constitutes sexual abuse.
    Also, the being held hostage and then your dad bringing up sex in the context of entrapment made sex and the inability to relax mix in your brain.
    You were absolutely sexually abused, this can mean exposure and does not necc mean being touched. You can look up what all constitutes sexual abuse.
     
    NatBird likes this.
  8. acoa82

    acoa82 Member

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    Yes. I am confuse. As I wrote, I almost never talked about it with anyone. With only two people during my life but only a little. And they were like they don't want to hear about it. I basically did not discuss it with anyone so I am wondering if this could have some impact on me. I mean among other things. And if so then how. And I thought that I could ask you because you are the ones who understands.

    You terrifying me. Fortunately it wasn't night after night but yes It was often. And I am just confuse and not sure if this is even somehow significant. But maybe it is.

    I am sorry. Sometimes I am impulsive. But I try not to.
     
    EveHarrington likes this.
  9. Simply Simon

    Simply Simon Be Bold. Moderator Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    Try this exercise, if you'd like:

    Frame your feelings as, "When you say...[fill in the blank]... I feel [this way]."
     
    EveHarrington likes this.
  10. Scarlet13

    Scarlet13 Active Member

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    So, these events with your father are not insignificant. Sorry if it is terrifying. Perhaps as you do some research about what constitutes sexual abuse, you may find some relief in discovering the truth of what happened and how it effected you. Perhaps working with a trauma focused therapist.
     
    Simply Simon likes this.
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