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Could I Have Been Molested As A Child?

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Confused80

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Hi. I am 35 years old and for some reason I have always questioned if I was molested as a child because I have very few memories from my childhood. The only ones I have are bad, such as my mother kicking me and my siblings out when I was approximately 7-8 years old and dragging a garbage bag full of my stuffed animals up the road to my grandmothers. I also remember her getting mad because I didn't take a bath and she threw me in the shower, and I was absolutely terrified of the shower for some reason. There are a few more that involve my mother and some of the horrible ways she treated me and my siblings, but that's all I can remember regarding my home life. Last night I stopped by an ex's house, who I have remained friends with and he started talking about how well he knew me and how bad my childhood was. I wasn't exactly sure what he was speaking of, so of course I asked what he was talking about and he responded that I had told him I was sexually molested when I was 8. I was addicted to Xanax and pain killers for about 5 years (currently sober for 3 years) and this was during the time we dated. He said I had taken some Xanax one night and we began talking about our childhoods. He said I began crying and telling him that I was molested. He said I did not give a name, but from the way I spoke it appeared to be someone close to me, possibly a stepfather which I did have one at that age. I apparently told him that he would make me lay down on the bed and remove my underwear and then molest/rape me . I didn't want to hear any more details at that time because I was in shock and could not believe what I just heard. I called my sister this morning, who is 3 years older than me and she said that she did not know of anything like that happening to me, but that even if I had blocked it that I wouldn't be able to completely block it out of my mind and I would have some memory of it happening. She believes that I lied to him because I had taken Xanax. With my experience with Xanax, you aren't able to make up a whole story in details like that, but I could be wrong. I searched the internet this morning to see what it says about blocking childhood if molested. It said that most people who question if they have been, usually were. It also explained the adult behaviors if molested as a child and it was scary how well it described me. I have panic attacks every morning when I am in my bathroom, obviously not the same bathroom from my childhood, but that takes me back to wonder why I was so scared of a shower. I hate water in my face and that was one of the signs of the adult that was sexually abused as a child. I will absolutely freak out if someone is even playing and holds me down and I've never understood that. This is kind of embarrassing, but when I was around 10 years old (guessing age) I would get my female neighbor to kiss me and I would lay on top of her and I guess you could say "grind" on her. I always felt embarrassed by this, but now it makes me wonder how I even knew or had the thought of doing this. I hope it isn't true and I did fabricate this to my friend, but I have the worst feeling that it did happen. I was very promiscuous in my teens and early 20's. Then it's like one day it changed and I have no desire to have sex at all. The thought makes me cringe. I use to have fantasies of sexual torture and being tied up, which is even more odd because of my fear of being held down. Almost like it's ok if its for a sexual reason. I've always been in abusive relationships and always had trust issues with men. I have suffered from depression since I was very young and have extremely unstable moods and have contemplated suicide at times in my life. I honestly don't know what to believe, I'm so very confused, in shock and feel so lost right now. I don't know what to do in order to find the truth in this, or the possible lie. Any advice or insight someone could give me would be greatly appreciated.
 
I can't say if you've been sexually abused, but it's obvious for me that you're struggling with things that happened in the past. I think you can 'totally block out' things, meaning that you don't have memories of it etc. I see signs in the things you say (although it doesn't give certainty). For me, those signs also mean that you haven't totally blocked it out. Even though your mind doesn't remember, your body still can. Especially when things happened as a child you can block it out completely in your mind.
Being sexually very active in your childhood and then have an adversion towards it, is a sign too. I think it might be because you can't really process what happened, but it was bad for you and your development. As a child you don't really know what's right and wrong. When you're young you probably don't know about things like that, so how should you be able to know if that happens to you? But you might still feel this doubt, this uncertainty this feeling that it doesn't feel right, that you don't want this. It may take a long time before you can see something as wrong or as abuse, even if someone tells you it is it can take a long time before you can accept that and say the same thing. Even though you had fantasies, that doesn't mean that you approved of what might have happened to you or approved if it happens to people.
Again, I can't say that it really happened, but I encounter a lot of people (especially family and friends) who will say it's not true, because they wouldn't be able to bear the thought that something that horrible would have happened to you. In my experience a lot of people hardly think about these things and they happen far more often than a lot of people think and it becomes too close for them.
If it happened or not, the way you were treated in your childhood was bugging or traumatizing for you. A lot of people can't recall everything and I don't think you should really go for that. It's a safety measure from your body. I think you could use some help right now processing what happened (or might have happened) and how to deal with it. Even if it's not true, something triggered these thoughts and some help with those thoughts could be good too.
 
First off, welcome to the forum! Regardless of your memory, you'll find support here.

To answer your question, yes, it's possible. I was molested by an older neighbor boy when I was six (he was around 14 at the time). Not understanding what happened to me, I wasn't able to communicate it to others. And for the next three years, until we moved away, I had to ride the bus with him back and forth to school. I'd be so terrified on the bus that it manifested itself as extreme stress at school. Let's just say there were signs that something was wrong, but no one was smart enough or cared enough or something.

Now, the only reason I know all that is because the memories came back after a period of about 15 years. When I was 21, my ex-girlfriend and I got into a fight, and something about being berated by her put me into the same state, where I remembered being raped.

"Memories" of being traumatized are a tricky thing. During trauma, the part of the brain that records events and situations is shut off while the part of the brain that controls fear and anger, or fight, flight, or dissociate is cranked up to 11. We don't remember traumatic events very well, if at all, because the recorder is shut off. That's called dissociative amnesia. In the past, it was called repressed memory but that term is misleading and now out of favor. Instead, another part of our brain and our body imprints the fear, the pain, the confusion and all that tends to stay active. So when we experience certain things, like the bathroom in your case, it triggers the imprints and the fear / terror that goes with it.

Imprints and memory fragments, most of them jumbled in time, situation, and proper sequence come back sometimes when we're in the same state of fear that we experienced the trauma.

Regarding the acting out, that too is common for survivors of childhood trauma. We sometimes act out the trauma because we don't know how to communicate it. I'm convinced that we act out what bothers us because its safer than actually speaking. The problem is that our culture is so bound to words being the only form of communication that we can't see communication through body language very well, or at all.

My imprints or "memories" didn't come back all at once. It took a feeling of safety, distance from threats, the comfort from a situation away from those that abused us and from others like them. And a lot of therapy. The odd thing is that I rarely remembered anything during therapy; it was often in between sessions are really odd times.

My advice is for you is, if you're not in therapy now, to interview a couple of psychologists that deal with trauma, abuse, PTSD. Pick the one that you feel most comfortable with and begin that work.

On this forum, we can't say for certain that your recalling real events; that's really up to a qualified shrink.
 
First off, welcome to the forum! Regardless of your memory, you'll find support here.

To answer your...
Thank you very much for responding. I am not currently in therapy, but I think you are right, I believe I do need to find one that can possibly help me figure this out. It was a lot to swallow, especially not knowing if it's true or not. I know some say it's best left alone if you don't remember, but I think it might explain a lot about myself and why I am this way. If it's true, I don't want to remember the details by any means, but it would definitely explain the reason I have blocked pretty much my whole childhood and my actions as an adult. Thanks again for the advice and explaining how the brain works to block things like that. That's very interesting our minds are that powerful to block out any hurt or bad memories.
 
A former shrink of mine once said that I'll remember when I'm strong enough to remember...maybe. Keep in mind some memories just aren't there, at least not like other memories are. And knowing every single detail doesn't really matter.

I should have added that for many, many years, I had no recollection of much of my childhood. At one point, the same former shrink said to me: "you know, the only memories of your childhood are those where you were hurt or afraid." She was right.

In any case, yes, get therapy and keep us in the loop on how things are going.
 
I relate a lot to your story. Aside from medical trauma and no consistent good connections, and later sexual assault (I was already really self destructive before the assault(s))/ ..my mom just lost her f*cking mind quite often (broke a door and a chair against me, hit hard enough to leave welts...I started bashing myself with rocks by the time I was a teen because that's how I learned to respond to shitty feelings). I've been through treatment many times for alcoholism and anorexia, so am definitely an addictive type (my doctor won't prescribe benzos because I'd probably gobble them up).

I also felt really crazy about some memories of molesting dolls as a kid and abnormal sex play. Note that some is "normal" but I went beyond with inserting stuff and having that done to me, and just my level of interest...feels really f*cked up to think about but I did dare tell my therapist and she said it is normal for traumatized kids to find ways to gain control or mastery, whether this was in relation to my medical or physical trauma or something I don't remember. I also went through years of being promiscuous, followed by avoiding all contact....just all or nothing because I don't know how else to do boundaries. And I really just have no interest in sex, though have at times "abused" myself by causing bleeding down there (that feels very f*cked up!!!)...I'm either not turned on AT ALL, or turned on by pain and degradation. I've also had nightmares about being molested by a parent but still don't attach a memory. SO, I don't let myself worry or try to figure it out, because I can't.

Anyway, you don't have to believe anything or figure anything out right now. Just check on finding a trauma therapist and perhaps some pieces will fall together. If you can find someone who has some expertise in childhood or complex trauma that might be even more helpful. Whether you were molested or not, the stuff about your mom and your addictions and sex stuff sound like they'd fit with some sort of trauma therapy.
 
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