Confused80
New Here
Hi. I am 35 years old and for some reason I have always questioned if I was molested as a child because I have very few memories from my childhood. The only ones I have are bad, such as my mother kicking me and my siblings out when I was approximately 7-8 years old and dragging a garbage bag full of my stuffed animals up the road to my grandmothers. I also remember her getting mad because I didn't take a bath and she threw me in the shower, and I was absolutely terrified of the shower for some reason. There are a few more that involve my mother and some of the horrible ways she treated me and my siblings, but that's all I can remember regarding my home life. Last night I stopped by an ex's house, who I have remained friends with and he started talking about how well he knew me and how bad my childhood was. I wasn't exactly sure what he was speaking of, so of course I asked what he was talking about and he responded that I had told him I was sexually molested when I was 8. I was addicted to Xanax and pain killers for about 5 years (currently sober for 3 years) and this was during the time we dated. He said I had taken some Xanax one night and we began talking about our childhoods. He said I began crying and telling him that I was molested. He said I did not give a name, but from the way I spoke it appeared to be someone close to me, possibly a stepfather which I did have one at that age. I apparently told him that he would make me lay down on the bed and remove my underwear and then molest/rape me . I didn't want to hear any more details at that time because I was in shock and could not believe what I just heard. I called my sister this morning, who is 3 years older than me and she said that she did not know of anything like that happening to me, but that even if I had blocked it that I wouldn't be able to completely block it out of my mind and I would have some memory of it happening. She believes that I lied to him because I had taken Xanax. With my experience with Xanax, you aren't able to make up a whole story in details like that, but I could be wrong. I searched the internet this morning to see what it says about blocking childhood if molested. It said that most people who question if they have been, usually were. It also explained the adult behaviors if molested as a child and it was scary how well it described me. I have panic attacks every morning when I am in my bathroom, obviously not the same bathroom from my childhood, but that takes me back to wonder why I was so scared of a shower. I hate water in my face and that was one of the signs of the adult that was sexually abused as a child. I will absolutely freak out if someone is even playing and holds me down and I've never understood that. This is kind of embarrassing, but when I was around 10 years old (guessing age) I would get my female neighbor to kiss me and I would lay on top of her and I guess you could say "grind" on her. I always felt embarrassed by this, but now it makes me wonder how I even knew or had the thought of doing this. I hope it isn't true and I did fabricate this to my friend, but I have the worst feeling that it did happen. I was very promiscuous in my teens and early 20's. Then it's like one day it changed and I have no desire to have sex at all. The thought makes me cringe. I use to have fantasies of sexual torture and being tied up, which is even more odd because of my fear of being held down. Almost like it's ok if its for a sexual reason. I've always been in abusive relationships and always had trust issues with men. I have suffered from depression since I was very young and have extremely unstable moods and have contemplated suicide at times in my life. I honestly don't know what to believe, I'm so very confused, in shock and feel so lost right now. I don't know what to do in order to find the truth in this, or the possible lie. Any advice or insight someone could give me would be greatly appreciated.