I apologize for posting a new thread but I don't want to disturb anyone's threads, & yet reading & responding to many threads has brought me here. I am struggling to get a grip today, though I think that that is a good sign I'm trying to dig my way out. (And I feel like I'm getting an ulcer lol ).
I've come to the conclusion reading many threads that for myself how I feel about myself or how I see myself reacting is based on fear & avoidance. I have a 'working image' that I project, but in my heart I'm always looking for a way out. Similar to how we scan for exits in every building. On the one hand I'm telling myself I'm trying, but the real crux is I'm trying to escape. Escape from dealing with feelings of old stuff, escape from ptsd because I'm identifying it with myself & only negatives, escape from fears of all kinds, likely some not even relevant but always imagining a worst case scenario for others, & for myself.
What I'm wondering is, what do we have to think, feel, be, or do to convert it in to really living differently? What I mean is, is it really at it's core a leap of faith, a diving in to the pool? Because daily I challenge my thoughts & try to look for distortions (I have to), & I acknowledge & recognize deficits in my self-esteem. I recognize mistrust, & fear, try not to avoid entirely, try to push my comfort zone, try to learn to modulate what I feel even if self-soothing escapes me. But I end up on the same wheel.
And then it came to me in this way: the past is gone, the damage is done, ptsd is there. But that doesn't mean the same experiences are there. Maybe some people can be trusted. Maybe it is possible respect can be given & received. And not that I mean in any way that ptsd is good, but maybe I/ we are good people (my mind wants to write 'ok' for myself but I won't).
In processing the traumas there are so many questions, & they hit right to the core of who we feel we are, what good we are to exist. And naturally, as an off-shoot our happiness or simply ability to live in our own skin without destroying ourselves (a difficult one for me).
But maybe the key is courage? Courage to put on the back-burner all we think of ourselves, all we fear about ourselves. To act foolish (happily), to not worry what we say, to not worry we are a time-bomb for others, & to simply forgive & disregard others of what they do not understand of ptsd & our histories. To jump in to the pool, but in the 'happy' way, not with dread.
Does anyone know what I mean or have thoughts? I'm not in denial, it's always with me. I'm not in lack of self-regard for the welfare of others, I feel humble & appreciative of help & not blind to others' needs. But so much of (my own) suffering comes from fear for others or for myself. And not being able because of it to disengage it from my identity, (or should I write ptsd?, because if it could cause harm I have to be aware I think). Though this is not specifically a question how to separate ptsd from my identity, but rather how to 'live' no matter what stage in processing & self-esteem we are at.
But I'm not a monster, actually. If one had to choose more like a frequently-freaked-out deer, if any term describes it. 'Flight' is definitely my go-to. And if I can't do it physically I will definitely do it mentally & emotionally. Or want to, or feel I 'have' to. I think for me that is part of feeling it's best for others, too. Why I've 'disappeared' (physically) in the past, or hope to, or wish I could, or plan to (though not intentionally). Maybe even part of Suicidal thoughts. It seems all interconnected.
Do you agree? Do you have other thoughts? Do you think the posts & threads we ask ourselves are really better served or helped to solve by just 'doing' what we are learning & putting the doubts in the background? Other than not having been cared for or being abused as the past experience for this, is it a lack of courage? Is it or does it require a commitment to being courageous? Because I read too a lot of posts where therapy & processing is hoped to be the magic bullet, but is it more than that, the application, beyond what we know we 'should' be doing cognitively, or are doing?
Thank you! Sorry it's so long. :eek: :dead: :)
(Oops, boo-boo'ed on the title again- my 'a' sticks- use in a sentence: "The girl with PTSD lacks courge" . :roflmao: :rolleyes: )
Must get off my rear & get something done. Thank you to everyone for your wisdom & if you got to the end of this. :notworthy: :hug:
I've come to the conclusion reading many threads that for myself how I feel about myself or how I see myself reacting is based on fear & avoidance. I have a 'working image' that I project, but in my heart I'm always looking for a way out. Similar to how we scan for exits in every building. On the one hand I'm telling myself I'm trying, but the real crux is I'm trying to escape. Escape from dealing with feelings of old stuff, escape from ptsd because I'm identifying it with myself & only negatives, escape from fears of all kinds, likely some not even relevant but always imagining a worst case scenario for others, & for myself.
What I'm wondering is, what do we have to think, feel, be, or do to convert it in to really living differently? What I mean is, is it really at it's core a leap of faith, a diving in to the pool? Because daily I challenge my thoughts & try to look for distortions (I have to), & I acknowledge & recognize deficits in my self-esteem. I recognize mistrust, & fear, try not to avoid entirely, try to push my comfort zone, try to learn to modulate what I feel even if self-soothing escapes me. But I end up on the same wheel.
And then it came to me in this way: the past is gone, the damage is done, ptsd is there. But that doesn't mean the same experiences are there. Maybe some people can be trusted. Maybe it is possible respect can be given & received. And not that I mean in any way that ptsd is good, but maybe I/ we are good people (my mind wants to write 'ok' for myself but I won't).
In processing the traumas there are so many questions, & they hit right to the core of who we feel we are, what good we are to exist. And naturally, as an off-shoot our happiness or simply ability to live in our own skin without destroying ourselves (a difficult one for me).
But maybe the key is courage? Courage to put on the back-burner all we think of ourselves, all we fear about ourselves. To act foolish (happily), to not worry what we say, to not worry we are a time-bomb for others, & to simply forgive & disregard others of what they do not understand of ptsd & our histories. To jump in to the pool, but in the 'happy' way, not with dread.
Does anyone know what I mean or have thoughts? I'm not in denial, it's always with me. I'm not in lack of self-regard for the welfare of others, I feel humble & appreciative of help & not blind to others' needs. But so much of (my own) suffering comes from fear for others or for myself. And not being able because of it to disengage it from my identity, (or should I write ptsd?, because if it could cause harm I have to be aware I think). Though this is not specifically a question how to separate ptsd from my identity, but rather how to 'live' no matter what stage in processing & self-esteem we are at.
But I'm not a monster, actually. If one had to choose more like a frequently-freaked-out deer, if any term describes it. 'Flight' is definitely my go-to. And if I can't do it physically I will definitely do it mentally & emotionally. Or want to, or feel I 'have' to. I think for me that is part of feeling it's best for others, too. Why I've 'disappeared' (physically) in the past, or hope to, or wish I could, or plan to (though not intentionally). Maybe even part of Suicidal thoughts. It seems all interconnected.
Do you agree? Do you have other thoughts? Do you think the posts & threads we ask ourselves are really better served or helped to solve by just 'doing' what we are learning & putting the doubts in the background? Other than not having been cared for or being abused as the past experience for this, is it a lack of courage? Is it or does it require a commitment to being courageous? Because I read too a lot of posts where therapy & processing is hoped to be the magic bullet, but is it more than that, the application, beyond what we know we 'should' be doing cognitively, or are doing?
Thank you! Sorry it's so long. :eek: :dead: :)
(Oops, boo-boo'ed on the title again- my 'a' sticks- use in a sentence: "The girl with PTSD lacks courge" . :roflmao: :rolleyes: )
Must get off my rear & get something done. Thank you to everyone for your wisdom & if you got to the end of this. :notworthy: :hug:
Last edited: