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Courage Versus Looking For A Way Out?

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Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
I apologize for posting a new thread but I don't want to disturb anyone's threads, & yet reading & responding to many threads has brought me here. I am struggling to get a grip today, though I think that that is a good sign I'm trying to dig my way out. (And I feel like I'm getting an ulcer lol ).

I've come to the conclusion reading many threads that for myself how I feel about myself or how I see myself reacting is based on fear & avoidance. I have a 'working image' that I project, but in my heart I'm always looking for a way out. Similar to how we scan for exits in every building. On the one hand I'm telling myself I'm trying, but the real crux is I'm trying to escape. Escape from dealing with feelings of old stuff, escape from ptsd because I'm identifying it with myself & only negatives, escape from fears of all kinds, likely some not even relevant but always imagining a worst case scenario for others, & for myself.

What I'm wondering is, what do we have to think, feel, be, or do to convert it in to really living differently? What I mean is, is it really at it's core a leap of faith, a diving in to the pool? Because daily I challenge my thoughts & try to look for distortions (I have to), & I acknowledge & recognize deficits in my self-esteem. I recognize mistrust, & fear, try not to avoid entirely, try to push my comfort zone, try to learn to modulate what I feel even if self-soothing escapes me. But I end up on the same wheel.

And then it came to me in this way: the past is gone, the damage is done, ptsd is there. But that doesn't mean the same experiences are there. Maybe some people can be trusted. Maybe it is possible respect can be given & received. And not that I mean in any way that ptsd is good, but maybe I/ we are good people (my mind wants to write 'ok' for myself but I won't).

In processing the traumas there are so many questions, & they hit right to the core of who we feel we are, what good we are to exist. And naturally, as an off-shoot our happiness or simply ability to live in our own skin without destroying ourselves (a difficult one for me).

But maybe the key is courage? Courage to put on the back-burner all we think of ourselves, all we fear about ourselves. To act foolish (happily), to not worry what we say, to not worry we are a time-bomb for others, & to simply forgive & disregard others of what they do not understand of ptsd & our histories. To jump in to the pool, but in the 'happy' way, not with dread.

Does anyone know what I mean or have thoughts? I'm not in denial, it's always with me. I'm not in lack of self-regard for the welfare of others, I feel humble & appreciative of help & not blind to others' needs. But so much of (my own) suffering comes from fear for others or for myself. And not being able because of it to disengage it from my identity, (or should I write ptsd?, because if it could cause harm I have to be aware I think). Though this is not specifically a question how to separate ptsd from my identity, but rather how to 'live' no matter what stage in processing & self-esteem we are at.

But I'm not a monster, actually. If one had to choose more like a frequently-freaked-out deer, if any term describes it. 'Flight' is definitely my go-to. And if I can't do it physically I will definitely do it mentally & emotionally. Or want to, or feel I 'have' to. I think for me that is part of feeling it's best for others, too. Why I've 'disappeared' (physically) in the past, or hope to, or wish I could, or plan to (though not intentionally). Maybe even part of Suicidal thoughts. It seems all interconnected.

Do you agree? Do you have other thoughts? Do you think the posts & threads we ask ourselves are really better served or helped to solve by just 'doing' what we are learning & putting the doubts in the background? Other than not having been cared for or being abused as the past experience for this, is it a lack of courage? Is it or does it require a commitment to being courageous? Because I read too a lot of posts where therapy & processing is hoped to be the magic bullet, but is it more than that, the application, beyond what we know we 'should' be doing cognitively, or are doing?

Thank you! Sorry it's so long. :eek: :dead: :)

(Oops, boo-boo'ed on the title again- my 'a' sticks- use in a sentence: "The girl with PTSD lacks courge" . :roflmao: :rolleyes: )

Must get off my rear & get something done. Thank you to everyone for your wisdom & if you got to the end of this. :notworthy: :hug:
 
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I've gotten to the end three times now. So much to think about. I don't think I have any short answer. Or maybe lots of short answers, snippets of thought:

I think the courage is just there - already there - in doing anything about PTSD. Maybe it's hard to feel you are being courageous. Just posting this thread was courageous.

"Doing" Yes, that's a good thing for me to try sometimes. Disregarding how I feel and just take a chance. I find it easier, though, to naturally do things the longer I'm in therapy and working on the trauma. The more it lets go of me, the more I am able to "do" in a natural way. I find myself behaving and speaking differently as time goes on.
Then there's the times when just doing can bring on so many symptoms that it's a calculation of what you get out of it versus the self-care required afterwards.

Trust and respect are possible. I think they can be invited into our lives. Thinking it's possible, examining the distortions, seeking, wondering, looking for it.

Not sure if it's a big leap, or if it's an accumulation of all the small things that pushes us forward. Maybe both, at different times.

I didn't even notice the missing 'a' in the title until you said so in the end lol. I've been seeking courage this week in facing my fear from my early memories. That fear seems so strong right now.

Thanks for the great post.
 
Is it or does it require a commitment to being courageous? Because I read too a lot of posts where therapy & processing is hoped to be the magic bullet, but is it more than that, the application, beyond what we know we 'should' be doing cognitively, or are doing?
I think it's this. As soon as someone explained to me that therapy was not going to be comfortable, that it was often going to be pretty damn uncomfortable, and then doing the skills to deal with it was going to be frustrating and tough, but that things would slowly get smoother the more I practiced - as soon as I understood that, it all got simpler, at least for me.

I'm not brave. But I can be disciplined about how I use my mind. I wish I had the dedication to do it all the time, I don't have that yet. Once you get past pushing yourself a little harder, then there's the stamina piece. I'm not a runner, but it's a little like I imagine training for a marathon would be like. Because it is physical, and mental, and not comfortable.

What I think is hardest is that people with PTSD tend to be in need of comfort as well. Scratch that - people period, when they are struggling, want comfort sometimes. But the very process that we need to engage in to work on the trauma is uncomfortable. It's why those support people are so important, and why it also sucks that lots of us don't have any people giving support. Anyway.

(I fixed the 'a')
 
@Junebug I was able to follow your post because I identify with everything you pointed out. First of all, I do think we are all courageous and we have that reinforced every time we engage with each other. Being part of a support group reaps many benefits. Our stories and struggles and conquests and epiphanies help others hold out hope for a better tomorrow and teach us how valuable we really are (even though PTSD is soul sucking).

I wanted to tell you that I spend a good deal of time planning escapes. From pretty much every situation that I'm in. I can walk into my therapists office planning to be brave and discuss tormented thoughts. Then I start the conversation and immediately engage in retreat. It's hard work!! And fear was the main character in all my traumas. I habituated into a fearful person. Joining this group blew my therapists mind. I think it was Divine intervention because it just is so not me to open up and engage with people. But inch by inch I am pointing my feet towards mastery of behaviors that benefit me instead of my usual self destruction. I haven't cut for a long time, I manage my workday more positively even though my mood collapses at some point every day.

I learned to "fake it til I make it" in AA. It takes TIME to change. Wouldn't you think that horrendous hangovers would keep. Me from drinking? I mean that's logical right? But no, it took me nine months of going to meetings every day before I finally put down my wine glass for the last time. Every day I am grateful that I am sober and every day I am grateful that I found this forum because I had really hit bottom with my PTSD. I was getting nowhere and I was terrified to face my memories in real life, not the dissociative fog I lived in.

So I do think you have courage and insight and you treat others with respect all which reveals you to be a compassionate person. Remember to give yourself the same comfort that you give others. FWIW, I know a ton of non PTSD people that have struggles in their life. I don't think sorrow was doled out to us only. For instance cancer or MS or bi polar.

It's such a long row to hoe. All we can do is pull out the weeds and hope for the best.

Namaste, KYG
 
I think the courage is just there - already there - in doing anything about PTSD. Maybe it's hard to feel you are being courageous. Just posting this thread was courageous.

Thank you so much for that @seedling. :hug: I often feel just foolish.

"Doing" .. The more it (the trauma) lets go of me, the more I am able to "do" in a natural way. I find myself behaving and speaking differently as time goes on... Then there's the times when just doing can bring on so many symptoms that it's a calculation of what you get out of it versus the self-care required afterwards.

Oh Seedling that is a very wise self-appraisal, to be able to judge or accept the limitations of accomplishing what we'd 'wish' to versus what we can do. To know & admit that it is 'wishful thinking' that there won't be the predictable fall-out or recovery period needed would be a big step out of denial & towards reasonableness for me. Thank you. :hug: I am so glad that you can see & 'feel' the difference with your interactions & in your life. :tup: :hug:

.. someone explained to me that therapy was not going to be comfortable, that it was often going to be pretty damn uncomfortable, and then doing the skills to deal with it was going to be frustrating and tough, but that things would slowly get smoother the more I practiced - as soon as I understood that, it all got simpler, at least for me.

@joeylittle thank you so very much. I do realize something, I always knew/ heard it supposedly would be worse before it got better, but I've been seemingly unable to remember that it will if I persevere, that there is a 'goal' even. That seems to be my trouble too, trying to quit smoking. Or what you said like a diet (in simple terms.) And oddly, I have never been on a diet, once when I had to I couldn't (quitting smoking before), I could never get it together so I just walked when normally I wouldn't have.

I think that belief also is so positive, hopeful. :tup: Thank you so much. :hug:

(I fixed the 'a')

Hee! You are so sweet. :) :inlove:

I spend a good deal of time planning escapes. From pretty much every situation that I'm in. I can walk into my therapists office planning to be brave and discuss tormented thoughts. Then I start the conversation and immediately engage in retreat. It's hard work!! And fear was the main character in all my traumas. I habituated into a fearful person...

..inch by inch I am pointing my feet towards mastery of behaviors that benefit me instead of my usual self destruction. I haven't cut for a long time, I manage my workday more positively even though my mood collapses at some point every day.

Dear @KwanYingirl , that is me as well. You so beautifully worded it. I too plan & think of how to get out of everywhere within minutes or arriving, even if I have the best intentions. I am so glad you are finding a way through & out. :tup: :hug:

I learned to "fake it til I make it" in AA. It takes TIME to change... Every day I am grateful that I am sober and every day I am grateful that I found this forum because I had really hit bottom with my PTSD. I was getting nowhere and I was terrified to face my memories in real life...

Yes, again, wow. Another thing I've had trouble envisioning. I also turned 'fake it til you make it' in to 'fake it so no one really realizes how I feel/ what I'm thinking'. I am so glad for you, & yes I know I have been at a bottom & I will not do well to not address it. (Relatively) recently I've had to face some of my memories in real life that well, were ones I too somehow managed previously to avoid dealing with or thinking of, even. Or something. :rolleyes:

Yes, I do know everyone has battles, worse than mine. Oddly, that's the only thing I can think of that ever motivates me, either through admiration or modeling. There is one part of me that feels generalized shame for my cowardliness compared to their bravery. But a bigger part of me (IRL, like with watching the way my mom went through she did, & family & friends, & how they were/ are) says "If she (they) could go through that with that bravery I will be brave about this, it is nothing compared to that".

Thank you Dear KwanYingirl, & all. I definitely know you are all very brave. Namaste :hug: :) :notworthy:
 
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I noticed something great today, you know how we are triggered, or (I) feel so apprehensive (what we said about exits)? Well I was walking in the open, & I all of a sudden thought/ felt/ realized, what a beautiful feeling of the absence of any of that. I think, just like internal stress, exterior surroundings (including music, temperature, 'comforts' etc, other people modeling how 'feelings' should feel (not alarmed) etc ) I think is huge. And to cultivate noticing them, to give those feelings power back or recognition, so to speak. The reduction in the stress/ fear, allows maybe for being more 'courageous' (because even little things are usually hard for me, unless it's only giving to someone else, eg at work). It competes with the 'stuff'. And that's kind of nice because too we are having high heat & humidity & my cheekbones/ eye socket are killing me from past injuries. Today reducing stress (it just went down without trying so hard) it didn't hurt as much. :) Nor did I think about where it came from. (ETA including not self-blame.) :):stop: :tup:

Even last night petting my dog's head in bed with me (it's so soft :) :inlove: ) to help her not be afraid of a T-storm helped me be less afraid, too. :) (She's called Lovebug so I thought of her as a bed Bug. :) )

Hey, this is awfully sweet, I hope it's ok to write it. I looked up deer for animal meanings & it said (Native meaning & Celtic) someone who is deeply spiritual, gives gentleness & compassion & innocence & unconditional love, can see between the shadows (even if they seem they are not listening lol), & touches the minds & hearts of wounded people, to heal peoples' inner wounds & loves & accepts people as they are. Isn't that sweet! I wish! :)
 
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I think a lot of my looking for a way out is likely related to 'developmental trauma', as it were (much as I loathe the phrase). Also something with attachment or perhaps rather abandonment, but at a level where I feel being abandoned is proper for all to do. (Not that it's guaranteed, but maybe guaranteed eventually, & I feel rightfully so). Going against that takes courage.
 
I do think I understand something I never thought of though. I've had much grief trying to reconcile how I could have been experienced 'neglect' or emotional neglect with a smart & good mom (my dad had to be away for extended periods). But what I really had was (on that part), no supervision, nobody there (the person/ people who were entrusted to it were not there). So I managed & there was always food, but of course nobody much to otherwise turn to (whether that was a physical presence or anyone for emotional needs- I'm pretty sure I never expressed those, & definitely not directly). However, I had my dog. I do recall reading books in school, & thinking of Huckleberryfinn & the Artful Dodger more like training manuals, not as characters in a story but rather that is wanting to see if they had any 'tips' on surviving as children on their own. I thought it probably didn't start until 5 but it must have been earlier because I was highly proficient & not afraid by 5 to be entirely on my own, even without my dog & in unfamiliar surroundings (survival-wise). I do recall fear & praying to God though (privately).

What however I had no real working experience of was 'not' being alone, asking for help etc, or someone not leaving or returning when they said they would (on the daily stuff). Or relying on anyone, because they left (I never 'told'). And though of course lots of not really so good things happened trying to manage on my own. But it could explain why I'd need courage to reach out or trust that but it would feel better to run way from it & not have to deal with it instead, do what's familiar & practiced & I know.
 
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what a beautiful feeling of the absence of any of that

I was just thinking of this in a new way the past few days. Thinking about being triggered and feeling anxious and afraid. Then, I had it subside and realized it's not only, simply, the absence of those feelings but also what else might be there instead. That there can be a wonderful feeling with wonderful thoughts instead of the fear. This was big for me.
A step beyond just wanting it to go away. Stepping into what I want to be there instead.

Hey, this is awfully sweet, I hope it's ok to write it. I looked up deer for animal meanings & it said (Native meaning & Celtic) someone who is deeply spiritual, gives gentleness & compassion & innocence & unconditional love, can see between the shadows (even if they seem they are not listening lol), & touches the minds & hearts of wounded people, to heal peoples' inner wounds & loves & accepts people as they are. Isn't that sweet! I wish! :)

Oh, @Junebug this has struck my heart so deeply. Instead of "someone" in this sentence put your own name in it and read it over and over. You've hit the nail on the head. This is you, shining brilliantly, no need for wishes.
 
Oh Dear @seedling :cry: (in a good way). No words but thank you with all my heart. :notworthy: :angelic:

You deserve to step in to & live & thrive in & enjoy & receive only the Very Best of the Best . :inlove: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
 
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