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Sexual Assault Court Case Will It Help Her See Her Behavior?

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Jopp

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I have know her for 16 years. Always the same pattern, but I was never smart enough or knew all she had been through before. I knew she had been molested in her early teens, but this last time she came back around she disclosed everything. 20+ years of sexual abuse by many different abusers. Same pattern once again and poof she was gone.

I did thousands of hours of research and had 16 years worth of conversations to show the patterns of behavior and even where she had told me in the past in very subtle ways but I never noticed it.

I took the conversations to a psychotherapist and after a month or so she said she is suffering from c-ptsd and avoidant personality disorder. In The past I didn't really try to or think it was anything except her being childish or hear lack of desire to deal with anything (sweeping things under the rug is what her family does. So that is what she has done as well AWAYS.)

I asked the psychotherapist if anything can be done to you change her behavior, get her to address issues as she has vocalized many times throughout the years her unhappiness and what she really wants in life but has never tried for. Her behavior has also gotten her hurt by putting herself in harmful situation and she has always voiced a feeling of worthlessness and no value and no control over life. Her behavior related to the abuse she suffered has gotten her hurt both from self-harm and by putting herself in bad situations. I'm worried she will get hurt again or end up dead if I handle things the same way. Every time she tells me of more bad things she has been through and harm.

I spoke with physicotherapist she said continue to let her know you're there don't be overly pushy though and set the boundaries for what normal healthy behavior is and stand by those.

I did that with really no luck so I spoke with a brother of hers and a friend.

The friend acknowledge she had those issues but she didn't want to do anything to help, the brother straight up denied everything. even when I showed him all the conversations. I told the brother it would really be big if he would at least talk to her as one of things she also told me was that she felt like she wasn't worth fighting for.

he got irritated that I wasn't letting him sweep this under the rug like they like to do and it turned into a harassment case.

When I looked into things apparently the brother was friends with the cop and she did what she always does which is whatever her brother and especially her dad says to do. I wasn't worried about the charge I had everything I needed but I did promise her I would not tell anybody the stuff she's told me and it's serious stuff. Figured I would go to court and see if I couldn't win without having to share that info.

It didn't really go well unfortunately. the judge made a remark about what was relevant basically saying what she's been through has no bearing or effect on her decision making or her mental state, and that it is not relevant, the past really isn't relevant. I looked at him and I was agitated, and asked him if he had taken law school within the last few months because if not and if it was years ago it wasn't irrelevant and he wasn't qualified to be sitting in that chair.

He took it very personally and since I hadn't called a jury trial he was the one making the decisions. Obviously he decided guilty which I was fine with because I knew I had the appeal as an option but if I put all the cards out on the table is it going to help her to realize her behavior is it just going to hurt?

I'm not sure what to do. I don't care really about the charge, but she has told me I'm the only one that confronts issues in her life, so the five year no contact order would mean she only gets the advice of passive people. which is very harmful way to handle things.

should I put it all out there and hope it helps her see maybe if she saw a court find me not quilty she would wonder why and look into things and see her behavior then maybe it will make her worse..... what do I do?
 
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Do you mean that she has filed a harassment suit against you and won an order that you stag away from her for 5 years?

If so...Stay away from her for 5 years. Respect her decision to choose how she deals with her life, and respect her decision to get court intervention to make you stay away from her.

For all thaf you're trying to help, she has the right to choose if, when and what type of help she wants. Forcing someone to get help actually revictimises and disempowers them.
 
Dated years and years ago but just friends now. I'm not who did what legally speaking. And I call it the flip. The point where she goes from her and being supportive And awsome and logical to starting arguments out of nowhere and then just gone. I think this is the 9th time now, and almost scary with how the pattern is the same.

Either way going to court for the appeal, but trying to do so in away that will be helpful hopefully but at the very least not do more harm. Today was going great I didn't have to Xpose any secrets of hers and even fought the judge trying to get me to talk on one and told him I couldn't find I promised, sand that definitely woke her up a bit.

But after I called him out on his bs, it was over I knew it was going to need the appeal.

So now hoping to bele to do it again and do so in a helpful or at least non harming manner.

One person I talk to suffers from the same things actually they are a lot I like but she said that it really opened her eyes when her family set her down and showed her . Obviously her family not like that did you intend to address that fact but someone else said that she kind of checked out because the anxiety got too much. And I know that avoidance causes anxiety which causes people to avoid things.

And not doing absolutely anything that's not really an option because fact that she's gotten hurt multiple times in the passed and she's said really sick too now. She contracted advanced neurological Lyme disease. Which adds to all the issues.

And for whatever reason the family is just not involved I actually paid for her to go to a clinic out of state in hopes of treatment. I addressed this with her brother and he wouldn't talk about it he just said I couldn't judge them.

So that whole situation has me confused because if my sister was sick like she is me doing anything to help her.
 
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I still don't understand what's going on here. What is the court case about and what is your role in it?

And do you mean that you started to see a psychotherapist yourself in order to talk about her and her behaviour? And that then you went and told her brother things about her that she may not have spoken to him about?

It sounds like 'she' or her brother have filed harassment charges against you and, having heard the evidence, you have lost the case and been told you must stay away from her for five years, In which case, I absolutely agree with @Ragdoll Circus - you need to walk away and leave her alone and stay away from her for five years.

If it's not you who has been on trial (you say "I'm not who did what legally speaking" but I'm not really clear about what that means - are you saying, yes, you are the person who's been on trial and found guilty but you're saying you're not guilty? Or are you saying it's not you who was facing the charges?!) I'm not sure why you are saying you don't care about the charge, why you are arguing with the judge or how it seems to be you making the decision to appeal whatever the case is.

If you are nothing to do with the legal case and are simply trying to be a supportive friend and offer her help, that doesn't seem to be what's happening. No matter how good your intentions, she doesn't appear to want your help. And if she doesn't, there's nothing you can do to force her to accept it and be grateful for it. And her not accepting help and not changing her behaviour seems to be causing you a lot of upset and frustration.

I don't generally reply to threads when I don't understand the OP so perhaps I shouldn't be replying to this one as I don't really know what's going on so I can't really give a useful answer. I think I just felt compelled to write something because, even though I'm very confused about what's going on, I had a very strong sense when reading your posts that you should leave this alone and let the relationship go. It seems to be causing you both distress so, even if there is not now a restraining order against you, i can't really see what good is coming from the relationship for either of you.

Apologies if I have completely misunderstood.
 
Hi @Jopp

Another one confused here! It might be helpful to all if you are able to clarify a few things.

I took the conversations to a psychotherapist and after a month or so she said she is suffering from c-PTSD and avoidant personality disorder
Do you mean that the psychotherapist said, based solely on your conversation and without meeting your friend, that she has PTSD and Avoidant Personality Disorder? Or that your friend told you that she was suffering from those things?

it turned into a harassment case
he decided guilty
five year no contact order
Can you confirm whether these things mean that she filed a harassment case against you which you were found guilty of and that she gained a no contact order against her as a result?

I hear you saying that you are appealing the case, but honestly, whether you win the appeal or not, if I'm reading you correctly, it sounds pretty clear that, whatever the situation may have been in the past, and whatever you think is best for her, she no longer wants your input in her life.

If that is the case then the answer to...
what do I do?
...would be 'leave her alone'
 
From what I'm gathering this is a really misguided "intervention" of sorts. I too am confused and not at all sure about what the OP wants/needs/desires to come from a court decision via appeal and concur that if a no contact order has been issued, it needs to be honored.

I had a friend for 17 years who had repeat patterns of harmful and self harming behaviors... they escalated and eventually I had to face that she was entrenched in her direction and there was nothing I could do to help her... so I set a boundary and when the boundary was tested and crossed, I cut her loose and that actually proved to be the catalyst that caused her to endeavor to recover and take the actions necessary to turn her life around.

I could not prevent her bottoming out... but I had to accept, that it was her life/her choices and all that was left was to evaluate how the relationship was personally affecting me. I suggest you take a really hard look at the state of this friendship and ask yourself what the pay off personally is to you when you're so determined to force change for her that you'd take her to court and be considering an appeal when the judgment doesn't go your way.

It's a wake up call... for BOTH of you. More you than her though. I think this is a time for some serious self examination for you and would suggest that you do so pronto.

When you're involved with her life and her situation... codependently, what in your own life situation are you avoiding? Usually there's a pay off somewhere or some area that you want/need fulfilled in your own life that can cause this out of balance behavior.
 
Insulting the judge rarely gets you anything good, in a court case.

You know, if I had a 'friend' who was focusing attention on me, like you are on her, it would set off a gazillion alarm bells. And I'd run for the hills. What you've described sounds obsessive and it sounds like the kind of thing that could turn dangerous.

I don't know you and don't know your motives. I well might be reading the situation wrong, but I suspect I'm not the only person who'd read it similarly. I'd suggest you go back to that T and spend some time exploring your own feelings and motives about the situation. Maybe the best way to help her is to help yourself.
 
The goal as we call it. Me, the physicotherapist, and two ministers that are advising. Is to show her family (dad and brother) mainly. How pushing the abuse under the rug has been so destructive and as they are ministers as well which puts them in a position where people come to advise for them to no longer give that advice. There has been another abused because of how they handle such things. And if possible show her her behavior and the importance of facing issues.

My payoff 1) godly people especially ministers need to handle and give biblical advice. My grandpa was a minister as well. 2) prevent others from being hurt by their incorrect approach to handling such things 3) make to all involved she is not crazy and it's symptoms of the trauma. Mental issues are just the same severity as physical and it is not the fault of the sufferer.

I was physically and emotionally abused till about 17. I have always cared about people suffering and really don't think anyone is past help because of my belief in God

The charge was filed by the officer. I didn't show ANY of my evidence and told my lawyer to not come as I wanted to try to get it dropped without exposing the things she told me. Cops came morning after I emailed her dad about contacting his boss if he wouldn't atleast discuss the handling of situations of abuse. My involvement honestly even when she is doing OK fluctuates. Depends on schedule busyness, energy level I have, other friends wanting to do things that kind of stuff. I am very tired and discouraged at how people especially church members and some leaders handle and try to hide such situations. And at how little people understand about mental issues unless they ace been directly affected.
 
Perhaps, since you relay that "I am very tired and discouraged at how people especially church members and some leaders handle and try to hide such situations" - that is where you'd be best served to apply your efforts with prayer and discernment and the counsel of the two ministers.

As the physio therapist (?) or psycho therapist (?), however, I would suggest that you're out of scope and are exhibiting codependent behaviors as your involvement exceeds far and away what is healthy for either of you mental/emotionally. I expect, too, that you've accomplished "if possible show her her behavior and the importance of facing issues" though not in the way you may have wanted or expected. The rest is up to her and her family. Your choice, as I see it is to detach/reevaluate/set boundaries for the relationship and to find the lesson in what has occurred - for you.

This is another red flag issue and an example to me that you are more about full on rescuing behaviors than reasonably and rationally assisting your friend as it too is over the top and could be problematic for the one you profess to want to assist: "Cops came morning after I emailed her dad about contacting his boss if he wouldn't atleast discuss the handling of situations of abuse".

"My involvement honestly even when she is doing OK fluctuates. Depends on schedule busyness, energy level I have, other friends wanting to do things that kind of stuff." - This makes it sound less like a friendship and more like a hobby or project. Frankly, I'd suggest a new one.

Maybe take a look at your own schema and decide to work on yourself rather than attempt to actualize an outcome in someone else's life unless or until they want to change it. Even then, what your describing is extreme.
 
The like button was because you replied. There are though a good amount of mixed up things in your reply. I get that you are wrestling with biblical issues/principles, disillusionment, frustration however you are better served do deal with these independently of this person.
 
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