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CPTSD And Bulimia?

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Lucycat

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Hi

I have been having therapy for the past 6 months and 'dealing' with all the difficulties associated with the anxiety and other symptoms caused by the trauma.

I have never associated the fact that I vomit frequently with any of the above until this week. I have never considered myself to have an eating disorder. It is only now that I suddenly realise that this secretive and 'unnecessary' vomiting is probably related. I cannot remember when it started, and I am still doing it about 2 or 3 times a week. I don't binge eat so am not sure if my therapist will diagnose it as bulimia. He is on holiday so I cannot discuss it with him for 3 or 4 weeks.

I have been looking at various sites and see that it is not a healthy behaviour and I feel that I 'need' to stop. However it really is not that simple. The urge to vomit is like the urge to go for a pee... the longer I leave it the greater the urge, until I feel the relief of emptying my stomach.

I am actually quite worried about discussing this with my T. as I am embarrased and ashamed. I should know better, and I think he will wonder why I've not mentioned it before. I also fear another 'label' being added to my record.

Does anyone else have experience of this and any advice to offer?
 
it is obviously a bad coping mechanism so I would talk about it with your T if you feel like you are ready to make a change to using healthy coping skills. I was binge eating and gaining weight and it was obvious. I too have felt ashamed of this but have been working on it by myself. I just mentioned it to my T last week and she asked me why we had never talked about it before and I just told her because I was ashamed and knew I being self destructive but wasn't ready to come clean about it yet. Now I am working on it, running and eating right, or trying to. I am finding myself going the other way now and not eating at all. It is really hard to balance it all.
 
Hello, I suffered from bulimia for ten years. It wasn't full-on all the time, there were little remissions, like phases but...it was always there. And sometimes it was really bad. My bulimia left me in 1990. Very happy about that, writing this helps me realize how much I suffered back then, and how much shame I felt.

Am happy to answer questions about my eating disorder and share my experience. Good luck everyone, eating disorders are no fun.

Writing this helps me heal.
James B.
 
it is not a healthy behaviour and I feel that I 'need' to stop. However it really is not that simple. The urge to vomit is like the urge to go for a pee... the longer I leave it the greater the urge, until I feel the relief of emptying my stomach.

Yup, far far away from healthy behavior and it can also be far, far away from even a possibility of stopping when that urge to vomit has become equivalent to the urge to pee. Suggest you set aside your feelings and discuss it with your T. T's have a way of not being, not being around much of the time and certainly not around forever. So recommend you address this and the shame, the way out, plus some healthier other way.

I also suffered bulimia for my entire adolescence and into my early twenties, along with anorexia and what was referred to me as bulimiarexia because each disorder and its symptoms went back and forth from one to the next crossing over at times and replayed and replayed, over and over for eleven full yrs. beyond any use for me other then the disorder's selfish use for me.

What was spledid relief and illusions of self-control to start out with, became pure hell and every day I'd regretted that I was alive.

Please, just entirely disregard any worry or other obstacle within self and discuss in therapy it All, and certainly it's in your best interest sooner rather then later.
 
Good advice goingonhope...

Am very sorry you went through such a painful odyssey with your eating disorder. Thanks for saying what I couldn't say, yes - my eating disorder was pure hell and I was by far my most suicidal during that period. Very painful.

My memory has a habit of minimizing and disowning painful stuff. This is the first time I have really talked about my eating disorder, I didn't have a T, or a Dx,
and ended up figuring out a way to quit on my own. Thank god for miracles huh?
 
Thanks all for your support.

I WILL discuss it with my T. I guess I was using this as a sounding board, a sort of practise at telling someone, when I knew that I wouldn't be judged. It is heartening to hear that others have been there before and have dealt with the issue.

James - HOW did you find a way to quit on your own?

Goingonhope - I understand your comment that it is an 'Illusion' of being in control. I guess I had been out of control for so long that I had never realised it until I hit the depths in December, and started Therapy. I find it hard to undrstand how I could have been so stupid for these last 6 months not to include this vomiting behaviour in with the other coping mechanisms I had adopted. I just did not recognise it for what it is.

Monarch- well done for opening up to your T. In a way the response you got of why had you not mentioned it before is one of the reactions I fear. You say you are trying to eat properly and are running. That sounds great but how on earth do you resist the urge to resort to old behaviours. Is it simple will power or do you have an action plan?

When I say I can't remember when this started, I know it was at least 15 years ago!
 
Hello Lucycat - some of my best years were compromised and plauged by bulimia.

In a nutshell, I quit bulimia by moving over 1000 miles away from my abusers (family) for a neat job (self esteem) and *wrote myself a letter* telling me I had to quit. Think I wrote it in the first person, as in "I need to, this is..etc".

To back that up, after getting established in my new job/location (about a year later) I got my first T, and we discussed my bulimia and my incest etc.

Wishing you much strength and luck in your quest to rid yourself of bulimia.
 
Lucycat, not really acknowledging and discussing with your T, this matter of having vomited for 15yrs., is not a matter of stupidity rather it sounds like an avoidance mechnisim for protecting other coping mechnisms that likely are in place, as well as, maybe protecting and reserving one's comfort in their rights to engage in self-destructive harm, perhaps even some instant relief and gratifications.

Anyhow, thanks for sharing good news that you'll discuss your bulimia with your T.

Take care, Lucycat!
 
^^^
Re: "reserving one's comfort in their right to engage in self destructive harm"

Thanks again goingonhope, for putting into words something I have felt, or known and been unable to express. That is IMO, exactly right. A very well phrased post.

My T said he thought there was something about incest survivor bulimics, where we needed to "get it out" - hence the "relief". Somehow that clicked in my mind.

Honest, the huge stigma of my incest and my dislike of how my body looked were probably parts of it. And, for me, growing up and living with the dysfunctional and warped "family code of silence" just straight up plain made me wanna puke.
 
Hi Lucy Cat,

I've had an eating disorder for 20 years. It kicks up once in awhile, sometimes a lot. You've had insght from incredibly self-aware members who obviously have a wonderful handle on dynamics and things. I had to have mine explained to me by my T, but it made sense. It was about control and self loathing, too.

There's nothing of value I can add to the thread except that of having been there, and what the tough part for me is in 'beating'. The self-dislike is much harder to release than the control issues, and in my opinion perhaps the one to keep an eye on if that's an element in your disorder.

This is a very helpful thread to read for anyone with an 'issue'. Lucycat, I hope you're making all the progress you'd wish with your T, and all the best wishes.
 
Hi Lucycat,

There is an awful lot of shame tied up with eating disorders. In 20 years, I don't talk about it. I'm impressed with you and everyone here who can, and so well!

You all are so self aware there's nothing I can add, really. Mine's apparently about control, I guess like they all are somewhat, and self loathing. I'm not sure if the latter is the case across the board. Mine still kicks up, sometimes a lot. In my opinion, the self-dislike is the element which is toughest to overcome since it seems to be such a manifestation of the PTSD.

Thank you for your thread. You've all been more than articulate and helpful with this, especially for someone 'out here' watching who's made a point of avoiding the subject for a couple of decades. I hope it keeps going well, Lucycat.

Anni
 
Thanks for all your helpful comments. It really makes a difference.

As I said before my T. is away for a while so I can't yet lay the cards down. However I have noticed that since I started this thread the urge is worse. I can think of little else and I know that soon this 'coping mechanism' is going to be taken from me.

This morning I was out with a very dear friend. She knows all about my trauma. That in itself was strange as I had no choice in the matter. When my life took a nose-dive in December she was coincidentally a professional that was going to be informed of the situation. So I told her before she learned at work, as I did not want her to be in a compromised position. She was then able to pass my 'case' to another division and remain as my friend and supporter, with no further professional input.

I had decided that I would tell her about the vomiting. I know she will be empathetic and will want to help. But when it came to it I couldn't do it. I don't want her watching me or feeling that I have passed the control onto her. I don't want her to feel torn between whether or not she should tell my husband. I am back to thinking I will wait and tell no-one before my T. returns. Is this just prolonging my opportunity?

James, I like your idea of writing a letter to myself. I think that is something I might do. It keeps me in control.

Anni, you are right about there being an element of self-dislike, although with the EMDR that has improved. I guess more work is needed on it. It must be so fulfilling to be able to say you like yourself for who you are, warts and all!

Goingonhope, thanks for your helpful comments. I'd never considered it an avoidance technique, but I think you have a valid point. Another issue to be raised with T. when he returns. I just wish he was not away just now.....or am I actually GLAD that I am not having to deal with it just yet?
 
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