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Cptsd -- Changes Happening In Personality Structure?

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Lost Pup

Confident
It feels like I have been on the CPTSD journey for years now. I sometimes think that, if I had ever had a clue how long it would take to heal, I would've killed myself.

At the end of 2013, I am realizing that I am going through a new, deeper set of changes. Changes to the structure of my personality as it has been in place, I think, since I was, like 3 yo. I don't even know who I am becoming anymore.

This has been the result of being about to become a dad myself and allowing my therapist the kind of trust that would have been given to the dad who instead abused me. Allowing my sense of loyalty to switch and to feel protected in some way by him.

It has all been very intense. I was just wondering again tonight if there are any other father-son abuse survivors out there who might be able to identify with any of what I've written, esp. if your sexual abuse goes back to a younger-than-school-age.

I really hope things stabilize again soon and I make peace with myself again.
 
@Lost Pup - While I am not a victim of father-son abuse, I can relate to what you're saying. I feel like I'm in a constant state of flux, trying to figure out who I am rather than what my ingrained responses have shaped me into. I'm still waiting for pieces to click and to be able to identify something as being wholly me.
 
Maybe not the same maybe but I went through mother-daughter abuse. I'm starting to trust my therapist on that level, but it's hard and who I am is definitely changing as I work through therapy and challenge the things I was told about myself. Trust is even more of a fluctuation than my personality I think. I don't think I child ever handle being a mother but I commend you on stepping up to bat as a dad.
 
Thanks, stuff. Fatherhood has brought up so much (and with so much weight to it) that I feel like I have been hit by a tornado. I find that my trust is always deepening but also being reevaluated. Little back and forth as it goes all the time. I'm so sorry for what you went through. #solidarity
 
Hi Lost Pup - not father-son abuse, but father-daughter. When my own daughter was born, I had a mini meltdown. I believed that I had brought a new little victim into the world. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be the same gender as my abuser and bring a child into the world.

I am so thankful for your work on this - I am nearly certain that my dad had been sexually abused by his father and just continued the cycle with me because I was sexually abused by my grandfather as well. You are breaking the cycle of abuse!!! I know how much of a struggle it is for you, at least it is a struggle every day for me, but it won't be a struggle for that sweet baby you are bringing into the world. If my dad had stopped the cycle, my life would have been totally different.

You are giving your child the greatest gift you possibly could give - a truly loving father.
 
littlelostchild. It is so good to hear from you on this. Sounds like you were feeling many very similar things, which I find very reassuring.I am sure you have made a wonderful mother.
 
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