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CPTSD & People Pleasing Behaviours

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Kers & James B.

I get that. I too have a fear they'll get angry with me or worse if I don't do everything I can to distract them from it - either by pleasing or pretending.

Kers, like James B I'd be really interested to know how you deflect anger from all being aimed inwards. It's something I'd dearly love to know how to do, I'm hoping that with therapy it'll all become clearer soon.
 
Am in tune with that disgust right now that emmat mentioned. There are times I just get wrapped in the feelings of shame and disappointment at myself for not reacting differently. And when a person or people of power position hold over you, your lack of will, it is just a disintegrator of your self worth. I logically know I did the best I could but there seems to be a catch up or delay of that getting really into my beliefs. I guess my head knows it... my soul is still swimming in the pain at times. Hate when it overwhelms me. Then that even just feels like another failure. Constant fight with me.
 
:think:Just stared at this thread title and thought....

"when will I be among the people I want to please?":dontknow:

I see glimpses of it. I'll be thankful for them I guess. Any sign is good.
 
Yes emmat, I don't have a clue how to deflect others anger,
think I internalize it pretty badly.

My people pleasing tactics, wow, new area for me to explore. Think when I am dealing with people I try to 'appeaze' them, I try to immitate mannerisms and dialect, maybe ties in with my perhaps borderline personality issues, like a subtle DID(?) when under stress and feeling pressured to interact.

Used to be a lot worse. I think and speak now a lot more in my 'true voice' and am beginning to see more in my communication patterns, but just starting.

And talking a lot, think I try to make conversations one sided to 'escape' any possibility for a 'bad reaction'. It is people pleasing because I will relate relevant information, empathy, etc etc etc. Probably some unhealthy 'control' issues tied up in my people pleasing kit, but understandable considering who I grew up with and the environment.

Would like to add, though its probably unneccesary and may show that I harbor some sort of a defnesive attitude about this, but sure don't think there's anything wrong with tact. Realizing though, perhaps what we're talking about is pleasing people at our own expense. Hmm, many things to consider here...

This is deeper for me than I thought. Lots of stuff to evaluate. Some topic drift on my part, please excuse me for that.

Anger deflection tips anyone? :-)
 
Wanted to add this onto the above post. It occured to me I have evolved my communication stuff over the years, and part of my confusion is looking back over a long period of time, then going wait: am I talking about these days, or way back when I was living with my abusers?

Or when I was on my own doing my best to fit in, hold a job and have a social life? Then things changed later as well, there was re-re-traumatization, etc. Just wanted to add this in, for me this is a stimulating topic, thanks. :-)
 
I realize this is an older thread, but I just came across it. Does anyone feel guilty when people do not get mad at them? Sometimes I think people should be angry with me and I do not "deserve" their understanding.
 
Hi Emmat

First off I have not read the entire thread but feel compelled to respond to your opening post.

I am pretty sure that the reason I (personally) try to make people around me happy is not because I believe by doing so I will be entitled get a reward, but because I don't know how else to act. I don't get angry or resentful towards people that don't reward me because I honestly don't believe I have any entitlement to a reward. It's all a bit scary. It's taken me a long time to stop blaming myself 100% for the things that have happened .

Ok...my sister has CPTSD and she and I grew up with what you have described as being trained to people please. I personally don't think it has any passive-aggressive connotations as we were trained to always please and never got any reward when we did; it was a survival technique to avoid abuse. I don't agree with the assumptions you refer to as being correct for all, maybe some, but to me the situation of CPTSD leads my assumption to it being more survival related.

It took me a long time during adulthood to learn that I had a right to my wants and desires before pleasing others (and I don't have CPTSD). It really screwed with my head and it took 20 years after leaving home to break that cycle with my parents and I can only achieve that through no contact. My sister, on the other hand, still repeats this pattern with our parents.
 
emmat,

This sounds familiar to me too. I'm not generally known for saying "no", my general attitude to life is that if I can help and there is no reason why I cannot help, then I should help. Unfortunately, this means I am constantly advising or helping out and then, about twice a year, I have a day or two when I get really angry that people "take advantage" of me all the time and yet, whenever I need them, they're not around. This has lessened somewhat over the years, thank goodness, but it still rears it's ugly head.
The odd thing is that when I help someone out, I don't do it expecting them to return the favour. I do it because I like helping and I believe that there's no reason I shouldn't try to help a fellow human being. I suppose the reason I get angry is because people don't have the same reasoning I do, which frustrates me.

Love and Light,

Aine.
 
Sorry for not replying to these earlier.

Nicollette: Thank you. I agree with you, I think it was initially a survival tool that has spiralled out of control. Now the desire to 'please people' has stopped being a desire and become just part of my subconscious. I do it without thinking, which is scary in itself. I used to think I was so in touch with my feelings before I started therapy and realised to what extent I had disconnected!

Aine: Do you find that you end up helping/advising people who most others would ignore?
I personally am starting to notice that some of the people I try to 'please' and end up getting integrated with are the dysfunctional ones that most of my other friends won't touch with a barge-pole, and un-surprisingly I guess, they are the ones that start abusing my behaviour the most and 'punishing' it when they ask for more than I can give and I fail. I guess it's just another vicious cycle I need to find away of breaking.

Unlearning these learned behaviours is so very very tiring.
 
I've been a big people pleaser. One of the reasons is that I've been so afraid of conflict and because my earlier programming back at the "family of origin" was about "if I can keep them safe, then I will be safe too". The damage done was that it caused me to be very "otherly-directed" at the expense of allowing myself the right to care for and respect my own needs.

Some helpful books I've read, include John Bradshaw's On the Family; The Child Within, by Charles Whitfield-- it helped me relate to and understand how I did develop people pleasing. In an extremely "parent-centred" home, because of the crisis of chronic alcoholism, and the persistent threats to safety, mental, physical, emotional safety-- too much on edge, it made me overly focussed on others. The other factor being, as a child in that chaos, as a "forgotten" or "lost child" there was no energy coming back from the parents to attend to me when I was in distress-- no mirror acknowledging my feelings, anxieties, my safety needs, etc. As a result, well I think it's connected to my anxiety, the feeling of falling off a cliff, with no catchment area for my self. So it's caused a major split in me. I've been reading "parenting books" for my self, to learn from and try to practice parenting, compassionate responding to my self when I feel in crisis. I also try to read novels and stuff, with healthy protagonists, sort of 'role models', of simply grounded, reasonable people! I need this for my imagination.

Another thing that has been helping is the yoga I take, this wonderful woman with a very gentle, soothing, calming voice-- which helps to replace the 'introjects' of panicked, attacking parents! Honestly, yoga class has been a wonderful retreat and I've taken it long enough, and I've healed long enough to not have such intense "parental introjects" that were destructive and creating more anxiety and panic, mirroring their anxiety and panic. I've had to re-assert now, where I do end, and they begin; what is there's and what is mine. In chaotic households, these basic boundaries are constantly violated. I like imagining my self with a child, and what I feel they deserve in empathy, compassion, validation, comfort and soothing.

So yeah, I actively attempt to change the tables, reverse my luck! And it's not going so bad now.

I've also studied up more on assertive communication. A good book for me was Peurifoy's, Anxiety and Panic , the section on "Assertive Rights and Responsibilities"-- quite a discovery to acknowledge that I too have rights and needs-- that always seemed to be left out of my "equation" when relating to the world. It's an amazing discovery, and it's been very empowering. The empowerment of learning the practice of "I" language has freed me up from feeling overly guilty. I continue with building up on these resources, as guidelines to help me proceed in life.

There's some great tools to learn and access, which empower. I think I grew up with the feeling of "right to exist" being really confused.
 
This has been a huge problem for me. It's deeply unnerving how people-pleasing to keep myself safe has been hugely maladaptive, and put me in even more danger than before. I was in a situation where I met a guy for dinner that upon meeting I completely didn't trust, who was so 'off' he was hardly mysterious about his rage and other issues. I was frightened of him. And at dinner I was completely ingratiating and warm and witty. I was going home to hang out with my friends, and without even thinking I invited him to come over too. I was sure since we had zero chemistry he would say no, and I didn't want to drop the nice-facade. He did come over. Most of my friends left after not too long b/c they were bored and didn't like him much. Two of my friends stuck around because they couldn't believe I was ok with having this guy over since he was so creepy. Apparently they were scrutinizing my face, waiting for ANY signal that I wasn't happy or wanted him to leave. I never cracked. In my head, silently I was calling out to them and wanting their help. My friends decided there was no way I was ok just because they knew I couldn't be having fun, and were determined to stick around longer than him. Eventually he 'gave up' and left. I can't believe that in trying to protect myself, I invited this monster into my own home. I am SO lucky that nothing happened to me.

Also not too long ago, a manipulative jerk who I despised tricked me (long story) into going on a date with him. I couldn't believe that even as my hatred of him grew as the night wore on, I never stopped being utterly charming to him, and that at the end of the night I suggested an event for us to go to another time. Thank goodness I never followed up on that; I just never returned his calls.

There have been times where I've been taken in by people, but in both of these cases I *knew* these guys were out and out dangerous. And while I've certainly engaged in people-pleasing out of fear of conflict with people I care about, it's when I perceive danger from a potential abuser, that like a little dog I roll over, wag my tail, and expose my belly. I am not a fake or disingenuous person, but I will do anything to make sure that someone I am frightened of has no reason to dislike me. I'm sure it mostly stems from an abusive relationship I had years ago. I'm trying SO hard to work on this so that I can get some better survival instincts.

-Nora
 
Nora,

It sounds like there's been some good suvival instincts as well and you should give yourself credit for that.
People-pleasing would work okay if others in the world were similarily motivated, but that's not how it goes in this world-- there are others with very ulterior motives, confused and not respecting our rights-- and you are right, it is dangerous. And it's very important that we protect ourselves from harm.

I've had some very bad experiences, horrifying actually, and what was worse, I dissociation-- my will was not being respected, my verbal boundaries not being respected-- and I gave the damn idiot the "benefit of the doubt"-- which was a very big mistake. Not everyone operates with good on their mind, or respect for another person and dating can be very dangerous.

Yes, our instincts often do know better and I've known in myself that I overrided my instincts by the "reason/the mind" and made a big mistake not trusting my self. It's because I don't really want to believe that there is evil out there, despite the many times I've encounted it.

I don't "owe" others the "benefit of the doubt", I owe myself everything I can give to myself to keep myself safe out there in the world.
So, I'm facing a similar struggle to keep strong with myself, my right to protect myself, have safety plans, don't over trust because I would like to believe otherwise, it's important to square with the reality of keeping oneself safe-- think about physical safety, escape routes, public spaces.

I let an ahole through the door, someone I had volunteered with, it was a group project and it was to pick up some paint. I should have kicked out at the beginning of inappropriate behaviour, I gave my verbal boundaries, "smarten up", thinking he would take responsibility, but no. . . I'm pretty frng angry still and this is a bit triggering to write about so I'm going to have to STOP.

Safety is our #1 obligation to ourselves. Never be guilted or manipulated. Trust your instincts.

My heart rate is up, it's not a panic attack yet. I'm aware that I need to self-care right now. Flashback is not coming, it's contained. I do however feel physically ill. I'm going to have a cool glass of water, splash my face. Remember to breath. Lie down, relax. Bring back peace to my self. Keep self-caring. It's all good.
 
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