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Criticism - is it them or you?

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Criticism i took right to my heart. Just a judgemental look would spear my heart. Now a T told me to totally bounce the look right back or comment right back. Another was to hold up a screen between you and the criticism and filter it so it was not so bad. these really worked for me. Another is if some one is being really critical give then some compassion send good thoughts to them even if they mean you harm, say to your self they cannot help the bad thoughts that they feel. It was the way I reacted to criticism but also some people are just really judgemental and critical. You just have to think well look at all of your flaws too you are not so perfect your self.Even feel sorry for some people having such narrow judgemental lives and not open minds.
 
I find criticism on my job very shameful, it takes me hours to wind down.

I know it, I know WHY. It doesn't totally ameliorate my reaction. At least I am conscious of it and fight the urge to defend myself.

I note also that I feel better about it when I ask for coaching rather than getting coached on a job.

I know it's my goddamn trauma history! It's bloody annoying as hell.
 
This is a huge help for me dealing with my anger.

I find it amazing that just changing a few words in the internal monologue of an anger outburst, can have a profound effect on getting myself back to calm.

Changing from "That f*cking driver is making me so angry with his bullshit".

To "I'm letting this f*cking driver make me angry with his bullshit."

It's so much easier to deal with a behaviour, when it is your behaviour, not someone else's, that needs to change.
 
I think the source of the criticism plays a role, and of course my own take on the accuracy of the critic...
And what if all your criticism came from trusted friends with a huge amount of strangers thrown in saying the same thing? Also, one of the critics close to you, a single parent told you have ever considered that the problem is you? That they're right? They say this every time you are criticised by stranger or friend who repeatedly insults you. Of course you leave this toxic friend and ignore the strangers but, another who seems okay soon says the same thing and once again your friendless. Along with the stranger's. I don't even know why I said this just brought up some of my thoughts of criticism that happened to me.
 
And what if all your criticism came from trusted friends with a huge amount of strangers thrown in saying the same thing?
It's always important to make sure that things you might take as criticism are actually criticism. You also need to consider context and intent.

So, how do you know the things you were told are criticisms (as opposed to observations)? Is it possible that you add to them by the way you are interpreting them?

I've done student evaluations where my comment is "every once in awhile, you speak out of turn and interrupt someone else's statement" - and they interpret it as "Joeylittle told me I'm always interrupting, and I talk too much. She hates me."

See the disconnect? Is it possible you are doing some of this?
 
It's always important to make sure that things you might take as criticism are actually criti...
No. There's no other way to interpret things like, "Your a selfish bitch and have no time for anyone else. Oh boo hoo life is so horrible. Just suck the fun out of it for everybody else."

Or my favorite one, "You think your better than everyone being all quiet and smart and looking down on us all." There's plenty more. Here's one from family, "If you actually talked to people maybe you'd have more friends." (Talk to people everyday) and another, "Your always going to be alone because nobody wants to be around a sad person." And one more, "Have you ever considered that maybe they are right? You are the one that has things to fix not them." I know they all have stupid reasons and so I should walk away. It's so easy when they say it once but, they say the same things every day. Not a word changes and it gets exhausting hearing nothing but insults. I leave a sweetheart comes along seemingly harmless. Once more the cycle repeats and I'm begining to think that nobody is capable of true compassion, or compliments. (Just realized that I'm venting here. Ignore this mess)
 
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@Engineer - it's possible you're surrounded by all the wrong people too! They do sound kind of mean.
But I am taking part in this short term dynamic therapy called DIT at the moment. It's all relational, what happens in your relationships etc etc
The theory is that the way we relate can actually encourage certain things to keep happening - things that interrupted your relationship building skills in early life.
I'm finding it really really interesting and it makes sense to me.
Thd fact that so many are saying the same things to you can mean that what they say is true, or these people are toxic, but it can also mean that the way you communicate somehow elicits that kind of impatient unempathetic response.
Just adding that possibility here! And if it's the latter, it's possible to change
I have repeating patterns too that have always confused me, but am starting to understand and be able to change.
 
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