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Cruelty And Guilt

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Casey_03

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Someone else posted a similar thread on here recently, asking what makes a person bad and not just messed up (can't remember who posted it). I have a related question to ponder and wanted to hear what everyone else thinks. Do people who do terrible, cruel things ever end up feeling bad about it later? Actually, I know that some of them do -- bad people in my life have apologized years after the fact. But I guess I'm wondering what everyone else's experience with this is -- do you often hold on to hope that you will get an apology down the road? Or just operate on the assumption that the person who wronged you will suffer no repercussions and no guilt for it? Part of the reason I am asking is because of my current situation. The father of my baby has not only abandoned me and the baby, but has launched a harassment and bullying campaign and consistently threatened me and sought to "ruin my life" for getting pregnant. There is nothing in his behavior to suggest he feels guilt or even realizes that what he's doing is wrong. He may have even cost me my job (by harassing my employer and spreading lies about me) and his reaction to that was just "Consider it a warning shot." A warning for what? I don't know. I told him he should think about the fact that he is harming his own baby, not just me, and promptly blocked him. He responded through a mutual friend later that the baby is already doomed to have me as a mother. This is the sort of behavior I've been dealing with for months. I usually have him blocked but he has found other ways to contact me. I don't know if he either doesn't realize or just doesn't care that this behavior has caused me panic attacks and very real physical symptoms of distress that could hurt the baby. He also asks things about the baby as if he wants to be in its life, or expects to be. It makes me wonder - is it possible that he doesn't even realize he has already committed behavior so reprehensible that he will never see his own child? Can people be that oblivious? I have realized that even if he ever comes back to me and begs to see his son, I simply cannot allow it. Not as revenge, but to protect the baby from someone so determined to harm us. Will he ever regret this behavior or even feel bad about it? I know the answer to this already, deep down, but I'm curious about what you all think and whether you have similar experiences (where you hoped but doubted that someone would eventually feel guilty for hurting you).
 
I don't believe their 'feelings' matter as much as the impact they have on the world.

All the guilt in the world, if he felt it, still wouldn't change what he's doing. He is perfectly capable of chosing to not act the way he does, yet he's not choosing it, so it all goes on him.

In my own life, I've basically given up on going for 'feelings'. All the excuses only keep the cycles happening, and I don't have time for bullshit to give it to people like that. That they force themselves into my&mine lives in the form they do already is bad enough.
 
Yeah, I know what you mean @Cashew I too have stopped placing my value on feelings in general. But for me, I think if he did feel regret later, that would be some small form of justice -- because it would mean he is suffering for his actions. It's more painful to think that he will never feel remorse or suffer at all after behaving so terribly.
 
because it would mean he is suffering for his actions.

I'm not sure that's correct, though. It holds true in a feeling world, not in the one with whacked empathy and differing motivations.

What I mean is, that regret probably wouldn't go to his son and you. It would more likely be for different things, or just feeling sorry for himself, not other people or suffering because he hurt someone else.
 
Yeah, I guess it is hard for me to grasp that, the idea of someone NOT feeling guilty for being cruel. I once teased a girl in school when I was 12, and I felt genuinely guilty about it for years. It actually kept me up at night. So I wrote her a long heartfelt apology about 10 years after the fact. So hard to think people are capable of not feeling remorse (though I know they are from my own experiences)
 
do you often hold on to hope that you will get an apology down the road?
I probably did that at one time, but it's never happened so I've given up even thinking about it.
Or just operate on the assumption that the person who wronged you will suffer no repercussions and no guilt for it?
I operate on the idea that they are not my problem, once I get them out of my life. Yes, basically I assume there will be no repercussions for them. I think revenge is a waste of energy. If I can actually do something to keep them from hurting someone else, it's worth the effort. Otherwise, what's done is done, it makes more sense to me to move on.

With this guy? I have no idea what his deal is, but I'd be wanting him as far out of my life as possible, hoping he'd move on to a different target and leave me alone.
 
I simply cannot allow it.

From someone who's been in that situation for the past 4 years? That statement is exactly like someone saying they simply cannot allow themselves to be raped.

That decision isn't yours to make.

You can want that... You can even make it difficult for anyone to get what they want if you're lucky enough to be in a position to be able to... But the moment you have a child you only have 1/3 of a vote in that. It's not like being single and making choices for yourself in your own life. As if either of the other 2 don't want what you want? (The other parent & the courts) You can fight them off, and maybe you'll get away, maybe you won't. But whether or not you get screwed doesn't depend on what you want.
 
@FridayJones Oh no, the child is exactly the reason I can't allow it. What I want has nothing to do with this at all. If I were not pregnant, this would be quite different. That is why I say I cannot, rather than "I won't." I can't allow it because this guy has given me sufficient reason to believe he would hurt the baby just to hurt me. I'm quite confident the courts will agree with me once they see the messages he has sent and things he has done. At least that is what the lawyers tell me. I'm not sure where you got the impression that me saying this means it's what I want. I want the exact opposite. I want to be able to eventually forgive the guy and let him see his son if he wants to, but if I did, I'd be a terrible mother because I'd be knowingly putting my kid's safety at risk. This is not about want at all. I should also note that the father is not making any attempt to be in the kid's life, and I don't imagine he will down the road. I am just wondering whether he is even cognizant of the irreparable damage that he has caused.
 
I'm quite confident the courts will agree with me once they see the messages he has sent and things he has done.

Not to be the dooms bringer, just for the realism of expectations being better preparation than the opposite: That would be a good result, but it's also well possible it won't be the actual result. The courts can be full of bastards seeing things his way for any number of personal biases, or see things in a way unfavorable to you on their own volition. For whichever reason they please.

Not wanting to speak for Friday, though it seems to me what she meant wasn't judgment of you, the opposite: wishing you to be ready for evil prickery of others, as ready as you can get. Counting with possibility of being further hurt, however much you can, for the sake of both of you and your kid?
 
@scout86 Well his reason for harassing me is to prevent me from telling his family about the baby and to prevent me from seeking child support. He's trying to scare me off from letting the baby affect his life in any way. He's not trying to exercise any control over the baby at all. In fact, he wants to get rid of the baby; he's tried to scare me into giving it up for adoption. After the child is born, I'm sure that if I don't seek child support from him, he won't harass me.
 
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