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Current Family Issues Stressing Me Out, Losing My Grip on Reality Too.

Discussion in 'Dysregulation' started by White0nWhite, Sep 16, 2007.

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  1. White0nWhite

    White0nWhite Member

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    Storytime, once again. (I feel like I need to apologize for my one long post on my hallucination post. But.. it just feels better that I was able to get that out for once.. and just be some-what anonymous)

    In August my Dad and I went on vacation, in Ocean City, and went to this really cool tropical beach bar. And my dad babbled on about the girls he's met in the past after my mother. He told me the story of how things went went before he left my mom...

    So as the story goes;
    In 1995, some time after my dad knew about mom abusing me. He went on vacation with some friends and met this woman, whom he saw a few times afterward, and lied to my mother; telling her he was going deep sea fishing. But he was really seeing her. They didn't work out though. So later on he went back out and met this other woman, who we'll call "T". He was still living with us at that time. I had blocked this all from my memory- I just knew some time in 95 he moved out. He told me "Oh I think it was on your birthday, or on the Thursday before your birthday that year." October 26th 1995, not my birthday, which is the 29th, but near it. I blocked it from my memory, when he moved out. And there it was, as I was sitting a the bar, watching the red and purple lights around me. Staring.. remembering it all slowly.. play out in my head.. not knowing what to do. I didn't say anything to my dad or look at him. He then responded "I just was not thinking right back then."

    Yeah. No S***.

    So he left my mom (who rightfully deserved it!), my brother, and me for this woman, T. I didn't know he met T before he moved out and left me there alone. Until that day this past August.

    He dated T for ten years. (I moved in with my dad Jan 8th 1997, we lived in a apartment till 98). 1998-2002 were the years we lived with her at her house. She was catty and mean, and jealous of the father-daughter bond dad and I shared. She would whine how I should "spend more time with my mother." so I wouldn't be at T's house. But I was hardly around her! I stayed in my room in the basement, and rarely ventured out for something to eat. Only to be snapped at by T that the "kitchen was closed" and I'd cast my eyes downward. She's snap again not to "roll her eyes at her". I didn't, I just couldn't look her in the eyes because.. it just hurt. Lots of other petty crap happened between us. This was the time I got into that nasty relationship with that one girl, too, it felt like she was the only one who really loved me at that time.

    Then my step-grandfather died. And there was the funeral, my mother wanted to go to support my brother. Who had known our step-grandfather as he's Grandfather on that side of the family. They were really close. So losing him really hurt my brother. Our mother treated my brother like gold, she never laid a hand on him- just so you know. So my mother was going to go for my brother, and I had no problem with this. T heard this, and never having seen my mother before. Wanted to show off in front of her. THIS WAS A FUNERAL! My Grandmother just lost her second husband! HOW DARE SHE DO THIS! She dressed up like she was going to some fancy party! Wearing a fur coat and dress it was disgusting! Mom didn't show up knowing T was planning to start drama, because my brother was asked when our mom would be there, and he got mad knowing what was going on.

    After this, my dad asked Grandmom if she wanted to live with him and I. She sold her house, and we moved out of T's some time later, and bought and live in the one we live in now.

    Dad still saw T, dated her. But in summer 2006 he met this other woman, and ended up leaving T. This new lady was nice and sweet, but it was all a game, she thought my dad was made of money and soon went crazy and left us. When she did; my dad swore T would never be back, he even reassured me once after a bad dream that she did. After he broke up with T before, he told me all the nasty things she did. And even admitted; "she was a lot like your mother, as far as being nasty and jealous of you." The one woman and my dad broke up in the beginning of July...

    But now....? It's September. He's seeing T again, she came back not even a week after that nightmare I had about her, which was in July, too. She's over on the weekends, and I have problems handling this now that I know the whole story on how they met, and everything else. She's even spending the night and I have to be extra super careful not to "wake her up" (Third shift makes me stay up all night, so I eat "lunch" around 2am in the morning) and yet it's totally alright if she wakes me up. Seeing her here makes me uneasy and sick, and I never get a warning she's coming over. I would like on so I could just leave and go somewhere until she's gone... But dad won't tell me.

    The 'losing my grip on reality'?;
    To add a cherry on top of it all; I keep getting lost inside my head. It's like someone goes to the DVD of my life and opens up the section on the late 80s and early-mid 90s. I'm that kid again. I get very confused because I don't recognize where I'm at, I think it's 198-something or 199-something. I don't really recognize anything around me. I freak out and cry.. it all seems so unknown to me and I want nothing more then to find my dad and feel "safe". My dad has recently lectured me for hovering around him and kind of not leaving him alone last weekend, I DON'T REMEMBER DOING THIS! This happened at work once. I was confused because I was on a machine and quickly got off.. and started wandering around the store looking for my dad. Because we used to shop at that store when I was a kid. That's the only time I remember it happening. I'm just so scared when it may happen again. I might be driving!

    I need to talk to my dad about this, but he quickly gets annoyed and his motto is that; it was all so long ago and I should be over it. I have no one in real life to talk to about this... I'm so upset right now.

    I was doing really good, I was out of therapy and found a job, and am working. But ever since that stuff that happened in July with that one woman leaving my dad, and T coming back... and finding out what I did find out in August. Every week the dreams get worse. This past week (when I joined this place) has been nothing short of Hell inside my head...

    Thanks for listening...
     
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