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Custody Battle: Anxiety And Abuse

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GhostedGirl

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Summary: I recently left my husband who was emotionally and financially abusing me. It was terrifying, but with the help of CARDV, I have been able to leave and pick up the pieces of my life.

But he couldn't just let me leave. He's now petitioning to gain full custody of my daughter, who was born before we were married. He's trying to claim I'm an unfit mother and will no doubt cite my PTSD as a reason. But I've been in treatment and my doctor said my daughter is at no risk. I've actually been able to go off all my medications I previously needed for sleep. It's amazing what leaving a bad relationship can do for anxiety.

I have been so horribly anxious with all the waiting. Waiting for Legal Aid, waiting for paperwork, waiting endlessly for him to respond to messages without any answer.

But by far the worst is the lying. His dishonesty was always a problem when we were married but now it's gotten so out of hand. I'm continually shocked by his behavior, including taking our daughter away and telling his parents I'm not allowed to see her. I had to call the police!

I'm terrified for her to even bump her head, lest he lie to everyone and say I hurt her. He's already done that. He's trying to do anything to maintain control over our lives and just want him to leave us alone!

I don't want him in my life. I don't want him in my daughter's life. But I don't know if the judge will remove his visitation or not.

I've never EVER been in court. The entire concept is foreign to me. It's causing me a lot of anxiety because I don't know exactly how to prepare.

Whenever I try to reason with him he just stares at me... cold, sterile, without a hint of empathy for what he's doing to me. I can't believe I ever let myself get into this situation. I can't believe I ever allowed myself to be so manipulated and overpowered. Just like my own mother.

I just needed to vent, if anyone else has any advice I am ALL EARS. <3
 
Lawyer.

Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer, lawyer. I can't emphasize that strongly enough. Laws vary tremendously from state to state, and the application of them varies even more strongly city to city. You don't need my story, it's a nightmare one. So my 6th and final piece of advice? Lawyer.
 
Definitely. Unfortunately, I'm a single mom now and working from home. So I don't have the funds to secure a lawyer. But I'm setting up an appointment to see Legal Aid in my area.

The money dispute I think will be a big part of his argument. I am an online content creator with a Patreon campaign, so my job is unconventional. Despite that I have been able to pay my bills consistently since he left (pretty validating considering he called me a "helpless adult child" before I kicked him out. HA.)

As far as I can tell, my ex has really screwed up and I have a lot of evidence proving his misconduct. But it's impossible to know until we sit down with the judge.

I love my daughter with all my heart... wish me luck.
 
Is it his daughter? The line about having her before you were married doesn't clarify anything. If she is his, then he has more rights. If she isn't his, its a different scenario.
 
I would add 'evidence, evidence, evidence' to @FridayJones ' list of lawyer. Courts ultimately go on evidence alone.

Is your doc willing to testify. Expert witnesses are expensive, but crucial.

I'm not the in US, but I learned one thing: There really are attorneys out there who are willing to work pro bono or at a reduced fee IF they feel you have a strong case.

(I'm in a similar situation with my crazy sister who has tried five times to get custody of my daughter. This has now been going on for seven years. The end is in sight.)

Another thing I learned is: 'Slowly slowly catchee monkey'. If need be, see if you can play for time if you need more evidence, psych evaluations, etc. Don't rush into things and don't allow the other side to rush you. Court cases in any event tend to drag on and on. And in the mean time, consider sharpening your fighting skills. I was a nervous wreck and a tactical idiot when all of this started seven years ago. Robert Green's The 33 Strategies of War, Sun-Tzu's The Art of War, and other books helped me see which battles to fight, which to lose (in order to win the war), when to fight, how to fight, how to plan etc etc. You can't go into this naively, nervously, trustingly... You MUST start thinking strategically. And although I totally agree that a lawyer is crucial, I also know that you have to know where you want the lawyer to go. A lawyer does only that much - inside the court room - whereas half the battle is what happens before and outside of court.
 
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What I actually meant to say is: A lawyer can only use what you bring to the table. Yes, they are absolutely crucial with regards to the application of laws and procedures, but you need to bring the stuff to which laws and procedures have to be applied.

'He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves, and sharpens our skills. Our antagonist is our helper'. Edmund Burke

You will have to be very, very proactive. And the paragon of sanity throughout all of this.
 
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