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Cut Ties With Family

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Sianm

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Today is the day my life starts without my mum, stepdad and brother.

After a month of arguing, my mum has finally accepted I need space & has simply requested I return some of her stuff, instead of throwing accusations at me. It's a very bitter sweet feeling, as I know that her and my stepdad are currently toxic to me and my recovery.

I just feel very sad and empty today. I never ever thought I'd be going through life without my mum & brother around.

My brother (who is 11) doesn't want anything to do with me unless I'm nice to our mum, so I've lost him too. I'm heartbroken over this, but I know it's to better myself & not be under their control. I feel like I've lost him forever.

I know I've got my husband, stepdaughter & in-laws as family, and I'm very grateful to have them, but it's not quite the same.

I just feel at a loss today and angry and upset my life has turned out this way.
 
I'm in the process of cutting off my father, and it looks like, by default, my mother too.
My sister appears to be collateral in the whole mess, and she's highly influenced by my toxic father.

The thing I ask myself is if the amount of stress, triggers and poison from the family member(s) outweighs the benefit. Grief will come regardless of who you lose with it.

I'm really sorry that you are feeling so bereft, but I really do empathise, and I'm here to chat to if you need. Please take care of yourself, and please, I really hope that you understand that you cutting them off is a consequence of their actions, not yours, and you are not responsible for the crap the comes with it.
 
Sianm, I was forced to take this very action with my mom, last October, when I realized, nothing I could do, would change her mind, regarding, who I am. It was a hard but right decision, for me, to make. Will admit, I feel guilty for awhile afterwards, but the healing outweights it. For I was raised, to value the family, as part of the core of, whom I am.
 
I'm sorry your grief is so intense right now. Even though cutting these ties is what you need to do for your own health, it is a very difficult thing to do. You are incredibly brave to go against the manipulative training of your past to put your own health and sanity first. That's already great progress in your healing process.

It's totally expected that you will need some time to grieve the loss of what you had hoped the relationship could become. Be kind to yourself while you are going through this. In time being out of the toxic dynamic will help you heal overall which in turn will help the grief ease.

I wish the best in what comes next.
 
I haven't talked to anyone in my family in a year and a half. I don't know that I ever will again. It is hard but worth it. I am worth this. My kids are worth this.

It is really hard. I miss them.
 
I haven't spoken to anyone in my family for close to two years - it's very difficult and I still feel like there's a vacant space in my body that used to be occupied by them. But I feel like the further I get away from them the more I realize how unhealthy that relationship is for me . Its only my mother that I wanted to cut ties with but unfortunately my sister and father are very much under her control. I think that's what hurts the most for me, knowing that neither my sister or father have attempted to contact me or reach out the entire time.

It's ok to be angry and feel the loss.
 
I am sorry you're going through a lot of pain right now... Been there.

My brother (who is 11) doesn't want anything to do with me unless I'm nice to our mum, so I've lost him too.

Just wanted to say that he may learn something very valuable from you by you doing this. At 11, he will probably not know, but he will grow up and his view of things may shift. Although not having any brothers or sisters, there were people in my life who took steps that hurt me to the bone as a child and teenager but later in life, I came to understand and they had become role models for me with regard to living your own life FOR YOU, NOT AGAINST OTHERS.

I hope you will get through this pain one step at a time.
 
Thanks all, some very kind words said.

I'm just going through so many emotions at the moment. Just keep crying and being upset today, it's just the first day of reality setting in now.

I always knew that this is what I was trying to do, and what I needed to do for myself, but I'm just going through the emotions of it all. It's like reality has now set in.

Just a very weird feeling.
 
Gosh, I feel so raw at the moment, as I relate so intensely to what you are describing. I've had to do the same thing for my own mental health and well being. I don't know if it will be forever...that feels so terrible and callous and cold to contemplate. I honestly don't know if I can do it for much longer, but I know it was the right thing to do for me, and that it sent them all a very powerful message.

It doesn't change the fact that I felt pretty rotten on the way home tonight though. I had trouble not falling into thinking about how my parents are old now and maybe I'm being too hard on them, and maybe I'm wrong to do what I've done...but these are all just thoughts going on in my minds loop...I know deep down I did the right thing.

I felt that my brother hated me for months and months. I could actually feel his hatred towards me even though we are in different parts of Australia. Now I feel that deep down both my brothers have some respect and understanding for why I did what I did, though the part of them that feels they have to be loyal to my parents has a stronger grip on their psyches

.I honestly think this is the hardest thing a person could ever attempt to do, and it takes tremendous courage to go through with it, and show yourself that level of devotion and self-care. We are hard-wired to be a part of a family, and family is such a primal part of humaness.

It felt so unnatural to me for months after I stopped all contact. I felt inhuman at times. I also felt defiant and knew I was teaching them. Since they don't seem to learn the civilized, rational way...some people need more of a shock to really get it through their thick skulls.

Most people choose to just put up with it, because the alternative is so hard...and it really is. It's so hard and painful. I've never felt anything so painful in my life. I miss them so much, and the temptation to call and end this now is often there...but standing your ground is one of the most important lessons a person can learn in life I think...especially when it comes to parents.

I think you, and all of us who have taken such a drastic action are teaching our siblings, and parents, who we really are...what we are made of, and that we are NOT to be messed with anymore...that we will not tolerate it, and if they don't like it, they can take a long walk off a short pier because we ARE important as well, and if they won't acknowledge that, then we will.

Just reading these comments has helped me, as I like to pretend I am the one reaching out here for support and comfort. I take in the words here, and feel supported too. Thankyou.
 
I can really relate to the feelings people are mentioning regarding cutting off family members. I cut off my mom when it was clear she couldn't give me an actual apology for the abuse she put me through nor have empathy for the impact it had on me. I told her that when she was able to do those two things that we could work on having some sort of contact...it's been 3 years. I see her occasionally at family events but I just avoid her because she's so manipulative and selfish that she has tried to wiggle her way back into my life a few times without apologizing or having empathy.

One of my siblings cut off contact with me when it was clear I was putting up some firm boundaries with my mom. I never asked them to take sides since my relationship with my mom is between me and her and to have them do this was really crushing for awhile. I've learned to accept it and have moved forward. Cutting off contact with my mom has been one of the best things I have done for my healing. My ability to heal was seriously impaired when her toxicicity was present in my life. I still wish things were different but I have had to make some tough choices in order to take care of myself and it has been worth it.

I am not super close to my other siblings but I do have my in laws which is nice and has been a good for me.
 
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