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Cutting off bad relationships leading to having few friends/feeling disconnected

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LanaD

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Now that I've learned to get away from people that make me unhappy, abuse me etc., I'm finding myself with few people in my life and am feeling rather disconnected from people/humanity/the mainstream/"normal" life (?).

Most recently I broke things off with a guy I was seeing (he just happened to have this girlfriend he never actually broke up with!).

There are days when I think I'm going to end up completely alone in life, not only regarding romantic relationships but relationships in general. The feeling is becoming increasingly stronger, which I think in turn makes me needy, which in turn might be scaring people off.

Any thoughts, suggestions, anything?
 
There are people who will not mistreat you, but will respect and value you as a friend or a lover. The trouble is, those people are invisible to you. At the moment, what you see as
the mainstream/"normal" life
is actually only the part of it that is familiar to you - the part that reflects your old life. I've found it takes time to move from recognising the ties with the past to being able to recognise the genuinely good, kind generous potential friends out there.
 
how do I recognize the good people?

Hi @LanaD, that is a good question. I personally look for people with qualities that I admire, but I am sorry that I don't really know how to best answer your question.

Hopefully someone else can give you better suggestions than I can. Are you in therapy? because that would be a good question for a therapist. I will ask mine when I see her again and until then I am here to learn as well and maybe we will discover the answer together.
 
Now that I've learned to get away from people that make me unhappy, abuse me etc., I'm finding myself wit...
Ah, yes.....don’t you just love people who Never quite made that clean break from an ex? Joy. LOL.
I’ve cut out so many people over the last few years I can count all of my friends on less than one hand!

One set of solutions I am going to force myself to try is to go to social events around town..... Church services, public library activities, any kind of local festivals or other events like that. I’m going to make the Herculean effort to force myself to go to some classes regularly at the gym to keep a routine and maybe make some friendly acquaintances.

I wish you the best in your search for some good friends.
 
It could be that there are people around who you would not necessarily think of as friends, but are. I had to get rid of my friends (or they got rid of me) when I stopped going out to bars after becoming a mom. The rest of my friends disappeared when I started being a little more honest about my moral beliefs, which I guess are boring. I kind of think a person should spend time working on themselves and doing things that interest them, not so much worrying about how they look or what other people are doing. No one likes to hear that, I have found.

But it turns out that my "friends" now are three of my direct neighbors, my sister in law, and my elderly aunt. All people I have known for 10-40 years. Not a bad set of people and I'm grateful for them. Interestingly, most of the people I currently talk to disagree with me politically and have different religious and cultural beliefs than I do (which was not the case with my former friends), but that has not turned out to matter.

So maybe try looking around at people you wouldn't have talked to much before? And I would suggest giving dating a break. That's when the good ones pop up.
 
I say.....you do you.

Yes, it sucks being alone....but sometimes its better to focus on ourselves for awhile before we venture out into the world and seek healthier relationships.

I was given that advice a few months ago. I said ok, I'll just work on myself for now. I won't worry about finding friends, getting involved with new guys, etc. Well, you know what they say......if you chase happiness, its like a butterfly that will elude you, but if you sit quietly it will come and rest on your shoulder. That's exactly what happened to me. I wasn't seeking out anything when I found a great relationship. It was a catalyst for better things.

I totally understand that being alone sucks, but if you work on yourself and focus on yourself, you will be making yourself into the best you that you can be, and this in turn will attract positive and healthy people into your life. The alone thing most definitely isn't forever!

And I would suggest giving dating a break. That's when the good ones pop up.

Yep! This is exactly what happened to me! I'm currently in the best relationship of my life. Definitely the healthiest!
 
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I kind of think a person should spend time working on themselves and doing things that interest them, not so much worrying about how they look or what other people are doing. No one likes to hear that, I have found.

Isn't it strange how people don't like to hear that? You'd think it'd be the opposite.

And I've a similar experience with people with opposing views. I wonder if it's because we tend to talk more, and try to understand each other - or in other cases we steer clear of controversial topics and focus on the fun and more immediate topics!

Talking to people I'd overlook is definitely worth a shot. But the dating wasn't something I was looking for, in fact, he's the one who pursued me and I finally decided to give it a shot.
 
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