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Cutting Off Family

Discussion in 'PTSD Relationships' started by ladybug08, Aug 15, 2008.

  1. ladybug08

    ladybug08 New Member

    Just wondering how many of you have cut off your parents because they are so toxic, that the effects lasts for weeks. I have to do something because I am fine as long as contact is limited. After seeing my parents a few times last month, the effects still lingers to the point that my flashbacks have gotten worse.

    Thanks
    PerfectEmpire and BloomInWinter like this.
  2. carapace

    carapace New Member

    I'm getting that way with my dad. My last visit has been a long struggle that has a lasting effect. So much so that I want help for the first time in my life.
  3. 2quilt

    2quilt New Member

    It was the best thing i ever did, honey. My family is full of compulsive liars, alcoholics, drug users and abusers of all shades. I asked myself,
    would you have anything to do with these people if they were your neighbors?
    Oh, hell no. No!

    Well then, you should not allow these leaches and poisoning people in your life. End of story.

    I began healing faster when I cut them out of my life. No more manipulation, no more lies and no more tears.
    BloomInWinter, olaja and Mina like this.
  4. linasmom

    linasmom New Member

    Lady,

    I stopped speaking to my mother at 16 years old. We have no contact, and I don't regret it.

    Funny, just yesterday I also cut off a "friend" of mine, with whom one of my traumas happened. I had been putting it off for over a year and finally did it. It feels liberating.
  5. Seychelle

    Seychelle New Member

    I cut off from my parents about 4 years ago. It basically became a choice between having a family and having mental health. I chose mental health. Once I cut off from them, then the flashbacks started. It wasn't easy to cut off, and I still sometimes grieve that I don't have parents, but I think I'm grieving that I don't have normal parents like other people do.
    linasmom likes this.
  6. Rivergirl

    Rivergirl New Member

    I stopped speaking to my sister when I was fourteen because all we did was fight. It wasn't easy, or nice (since we still lived together) but at least our fights stopped.
    When my mother died (I was 22, long long ago!) my father changed the locks on the house and told me not to come back. I knew he was mad at me at the time but I thought-----Fine. Why would I want to have you in my life anyway? I didn't contact him again, and I, too, felt kind of liberated.
    I made a new family with a tight group of friends from high school and from two of my jobs. It's different and I still ache for "belonging" in a family, but I ached for it even when I was IN a family! Even some my friends who have families don't feel they belong and feel more of a kinship with their close friends than their blood relatives. I think "family" is what you make it.

    Rivergirl
    CabraVerde likes this.
  7. Bettespaghetti

    Bettespaghetti New Member

    I live over a thousand miles away from my family. I quit really talking to my older brother who helped one of my abusers continue to abuse me several years ago. My contact with my folks is limited and generally on my terms. I too miss that sense of "family". I do have three children who I have tried that sense of belonging for.

    Hugs!

    Bette
  8. linasmom

    linasmom New Member

    Seychelle, so perfectly stated. It's such an important distinction. I know that I grieve in some way and it's not because of the loss, but because I didn't have a "normal" parent growing up. In fact, I grieve the loss of my childhood, because it was taken away from me at an early age.
  9. kmm

    kmm New Member

    It's been over 2 years since I have quit interacting with my mom. I've previously carried a lot of guilt related to not having a relationship with her, but I am letting that go as I realize how much better I am as a mom, not being so tormented by her.... It was a good decision for me. And, as others have said, I grieve the loss of the relationship I wish I had had with her as well.....

    I am just hoping that I can maybe heal some by offering my daughter the kind of relationship I wish I had had.....I really hope I am able to be that kind of mom for her.....
  10. Mina

    Mina VIP Member Premium Member

    Soooo true. Most of my "family" isn't related to me at all. But they're the ones who are there for me, accept me as I am, and love and support me regardless. That's something I never got from my real parents.

    As far as my real parents go, there have been a couple times in my life where I've cut off communication because I had to set boundaries. I wasn't about to sit there and let them be bad to me anymore. It helped a LOT. Our communication now is generally on MY terms, and I refuse to feel obligated to communicate with them...it might be different had THEY been different, but it is what it is. It works pretty well; they realize they have to *behave* to be included in my world, and that there are consequences for not. If things hadn't improved...they'd have been out. Cutting ties with toxic people is a healthy choice.

    I still hate to go "back home" to MN where I grew up, though. It's been 3 years since my last visit, and I have no plans to go back (only for major funerals). There's just such a strong sense of negativity, which is markedly absent when I see them here in CO (real parents have a 2nd home a few hours away). I can handle seeing them then, and even maybe enjoy it.
  11. btmsearlNH

    btmsearlNH New Member

    I stopped speaking with my mom a few months before my son was born 3 years ago. She was the type of person who would say one thing to your face and then say something different to others to make you look bad. She would sometimes loan me money when times were rough for me and say it was because she loved me and she wanted to help. Then I would hear from my brother that she had told him that I was begging for money again and how she felt pressured to give me the money. I would always bite my tongue and just deal with it because she was my mom. Then, I finally said enough is enough. I finally spoke my mind and told her how I felt about how she was. She didn't like it and we didn't speak for about a year and a half. My son was right around 18 months when I felt bad enough to give in and let her meet her grandson. She still hadn't changed and I once again bit my tongue. Then when my wife and I would leave from a visit, we'd talk about how much my mother just rubbed us the wrong way. Two months later, I found her dead in her home. It was a shock. It hurt to have my mother pass away, but that doesn't mean that the way she treated people when she was alive was okay and all should be forgotten because she died. I had guilt for a while after she died. I would feel bad, thinking I kept her away from her grandson and I left her feeling alone and abandoned until she died alone. I have finally gotten to the point in my life where I can look back and say, you know what, it was her fault and she wasn't able to apologize for her actions and admit her faults. I loved her, but hated how she was. So, if your relationship with parents is a toxic one, it is probably better to distance yourself to keep your sanity. If things can be worked out, that's great, but if not, don't allow yourself to be filled with guilt over it. I've been there and it's tough. Good luck.
  12. Vapor

    Vapor New Member

    Yes.

    Not only did I cut off contact with my family, but I moved to the other side of the world thousands of miles away.

    cutting off with my dad was easy, because I didnt see him frm about the age of 8 until I was 19, and then when I did see him .. it was weird.. there was no relationship.

    The hardest was my mother, she is toxic.

    Even now, sometimes I long to be held by a mother and have a mother,,, but she was never that mother.. she just wasnt.... and yes I also greive not having that.

    I am lucky that I have a mother figure in my life, who is always there for me, and some great friends, a great therapist and Dr. I am so greatful for my safety here, and support.

    It was the best and most healthiest decision I ever made for mysef.

    When I miss my mum, I have to tell myself why I have nothing to do with her.

    its worth it for me.

    all the best
  13. 2quilt

    2quilt New Member

    You can't choose your family...or can you?

    I also wanted to tell you that when people ask about my family, I say my parents are dead. Whether they are or not really, the questions stop there, and I have said this for a while now, and it feels natural to say that. I don't have to explain my decision to cut them out of my life.

    I now have the opportunity to choose the parents and siblings I want. I have made new friends who are now my family. All y'all here are my cousins. I choose high-quality people to be in my family. And I don't feel badly that I don't have a blood family; I will not let them control my level of self-esteem any more. They are the ones who lost out by not treating me with dignity.
  14. ladybug08

    ladybug08 New Member

    When I first started therapy years ago before discovering I have PTSD, I was advised to cut off ties and leave town. I wish I did. My brother as a matter of fact keeps his distance...he has very limited contact. When my mom gets out of line....which is often...he would go months to almost a year without contact. When she tells me that she tries to call him and he does not answer her phone calls, she thinks he's not talking to her because he is too good or she has no idea why he does not pick up. My parents act totally clueless to why he does not call.
  15. dust

    dust New Member

    My mother triggers my ptsd. I had to stop seeing her. One of my sisters is in my mothers pocket - so can't go to her. I had little contact with my dad as a child and he has always failed to be there for me when I needed him (told me he had a balcony I could jump off when I was trying to explain the effects of ptsd, prior to a visit), so stopped contact with him too. I still see one sister who is supportive and believes me.

    This has all happened within the last year. There is a lot of grief attached to no contact, but it is better than the emotional consequences of it. I just take it day by day. I don't know if I will ever be able to have contact again.
  16. JustJane

    JustJane New Member

    Wow, this has been an eye opener for me. I thought I was the only one and that family was supposed to always be happy and supportive. My my mom died, she was the last link forcing my siblings and I to come into contact with each other. I cut myself off from them completely after her parting. I don't admit to having family. I wrote a will, had it notarized by an attorney and nothing I own will ever fall into their hands when I die. People who have helped me along the way are the ones who be remembered.
  17. 2quilt

    2quilt New Member

    I would like dibs on all your chocolate.
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  18. ladybug08

    ladybug08 New Member

    :rofl::rofl::rofl:
  19. ladybug08

    ladybug08 New Member

    My mom called my son this morning telling him for me to call her when I wake up. I work nights, so I do not answer the phone until I get up. When I did call she was drunk :mad:. Some things never change. My dad is working. So I guess she has been drinking most of the day. My sister talked to her mid morning so she was drunk then. Who wants to talk to a drunk!?! I am so sick of this!!!
  20. 2quilt

    2quilt New Member

    Are you now considering cutting her out of your life, and the life of your child?
    Do you want your child to remember his grandma that way? No.
    You can't change her, only your own actions.
  21. pandora

    pandora VIP Member

    well in the last couple of months my Mom who was an emotional abuser and soometimes physical because if she caught you after chasing you she would punch me in the back. The last time i was 27 and then we moved apart....i actually deceided that moving across canada for a man and to get away from my family was a really good thing to do at the time...it did blow up in my face but now 7 years later....back in my home town. I just my got through about three years of no contact with my Mom and brother. It has made a world of ddifference, now that I have boundaries and try my best to just accept her help, not have an opinion and just let her think she is right Deep down i know she is a good person, just an angry person. I am amazed at the help she has been giving me lately but the chance is always there that I will do something to make her mad and she could turn back into psycho Mom....so far so good. i need the help and as hard as it is to get it from her because her moods change from minute to minute moods at least I am used too....so that helps just makes me stronger because most people could not handle the outbursts she is known to have but they are fewer and far between. and as much as the help makes me feel at least a little bit of love she does increase my anxiety because her history has shown that she really can flip out if angered....at least now i know she will not chase and punch me in the back because she could cripple me if she hit me hard enough in the back. i am thankful that all of my self reflection has helped me to understand her while trying to figure things out for me too. we actually have adult conversations......now that is a miracle.

    now....i just generally keep my mouth shut, no opinion is easier, she has a good relationship with my son, even though it took her 6 hears to accept his disability without blaming me for it. now...i am rambling....bottom line relationships can be very hard and very confusing. Especially with family....add ptsd to the mix and it is alot more confusing for all of us......in my opinion making us very strong individuals.
  22. ladybug08

    ladybug08 New Member

  23. rallynut78

    rallynut78 New Member

    I cut my dad out a few years ago. It was a hard decision and i still feel a little torn about it but it was long over due. My life isn't any less rich without him and that side of the family in my life and I surly don't miss him. sucks that my 1/2 brother and sister get cut out too but they undoubtedly have a tainted view of me from him.

    he doesn't have any thing to do with my PTSD but it was after I returned from Iraq and had no patience for nonsense that I made the decision.
  24. JustJane

    JustJane New Member

    That can be arranged.:eek:ccasion:
  25. Seychelle

    Seychelle New Member

    I've been thinking more about this thread. Since I joined here, I've become very aware of the importance of not avoiding triggers (I still do some avoidance but I'm gradually working on noticing what I still do avoid and changing that).

    I do occasionally wonder if cutting off from my parents is an avoidance strategy. At the same time, though, I know the flashbacks would have much slower to emerge (they only really started to come up after I cut off contact), if at all. So, I dunno. It feels a bit like a paradox or something.

    Not sure if this post has made any sense at all or not. If not, I can try to rephrase again.

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