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Cutting the emotional ties to narcissists

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Fadeaway, Aug 12, 2017.

  1. Fadeaway

    Fadeaway I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    When seeing the narcissist for what they are and going no contact isn't enough to severe what remains of emotional attachment to them, how to you severe the emotional cord once and for all? I don't want to care anymore.
     
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  3. leehalf

    leehalf Well-Known Member

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    Have a funeral. Write it all down and burn it. Say a prayer and bury the ashes. Good bye and good riddance!

    Good luck @Fadeaway!
     
  4. Rain

    Rain Most people long for love and acceptance Premium Member Generous $250+

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    This is a great topic for a thread and I am so there, @Fadeaway !! I have been aware that I have unhealthy emotional attachments to my adult daughter who I am no contact with, for four months now. It has been hell. So I understand completely.

    She has done several smear campaigns on me and cut the grandchildren out of my life and not only that somehow she has managed to turn them against. They were my only family left.

    I also have unhealthy attatchments to both kids and I have really worked on letting them go and releasing all of them back into their own lives. It is scary and devastating and I am bone weary at this point. I am really trying to just let go and know that my daughter is now in full control. I am over the shock and the denial but I am grieving like crazy. I live alone and it is so hard to stay out of my head and my anxiety has gone through the roof.

    She even hacked into my facebook account and a friend suggested I confront her and call her on her shit. That was a huge mistake, I should have followed my gut and kept on ignoring her. That is what I am doing now. It has really been killing me because I love those kids so much and they had been such a big part of my life before all of this blew up.

    I do not miss my daughter anymore after all she has said and done. I had to disconnect with the rest of the relatives. It has been an absolute living hell nightmare. I get a lot of support and my daughter has not been able to get to my real friends which I do not have very many. Thankfully. Everyone who knows Narc abuse has told me that it does get better so I do not have much to offer as one of the forum friends suggested that I had unhealthy attachments to my family.

    So I have worked on untangling myself from my family, I am working on my co dependence and enmeshment and realized yesterday that I did have trauma bonds to my daughter but I do not have that problem anymore as I worked on the guilt and the hurt very much. I do not want to ever see her ever again.

    As for the kids, I wish and hope that someday they will wake up to the fact that their mom is so very sick mentally and go and get help for themselves. She is a rogue mom. She is also a full blown alcoholic.

    I give you my story so that you will not feel so alone. I was advised to watch you tube videos on Narcissistic Abuse. it has really opened up my eyes and made me realize that both of my abusive parents were Narcs too. I am trying not to use the label so much so I will not if we continue this thread, hopefully. I am very interested in what you have to say and what you have learned etc. I wish you well and I wish the healing will occur for you as well. I have heard it over and over again and I think it is true, the pain gets dulled with time.

    It used to kill me missing my daughter at first because I used to think we were so close until she turned on me. But like I said I do not miss her at all anymore from everything. Sorry this is so long.
     
    Cheryle, Recovery4Me and Fadeaway like this.
  5. Cerulean Synapse

    Cerulean Synapse Active Member

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    I used to have an abusive ex with intermittent explosive disorder, anti social personality disorder and petit mal seizures. Look those disorders up he sought help at first but discontinued taking his meds so his rage came back and it was over nothing. I almost killed myself because I didn't know how to get out of my relationship and he said he would hunt me down if I called police. So it took the efforts of all my family and friends to use physical force if necessary. I had too to stop him from killing me many times I have several bulging discs in my neck from well I try not to trigger but you guys know. I also have spinal stenosis from him and the times being abused among other things wrong with my neck. Plus he abused me who was disabled. And so I have flashbacks. The technique I use is grounding myself with my surroundings. I tell myself over and over again I am safe there is a tree in the yard or wherever you happen to be at the time. You will probably always care for this person as mine kept me hostage in my own home. He has 3 felonies and still didn't get jail time. The trick is telling yourself if he doesn't pay rent why is he still in your head and challenge it. Writing helps me too. I write down every evil act my ex did to me and then tell myself I didn't have a part I was a victim and now I am a survivor. I moved out of state way away from him too. It was a sacrifice I made and I would have drank myself to death or committed suicide knowing he only lived one town over. But that's what I do.
     
    Recovery4Me and Rain like this.
  6. scout86

    scout86 I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    What, exactly, don't you want to care about?
     
  7. Fadeaway

    Fadeaway I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I don't want to care about what she thinks of me. I don't want to care that she is the person who raised me and that know matter how much I crave a mother figure, she well never see me as anything besides the ungrateful snot nosed burden she was forced to take in against her will.

    I don't want to care about this f*cked up sense of responsibility for her medical care in her last days. I don't want to feel the guilt I feel for not being there for her even though she rejects my attempts. I don't want to care that at the same time I want to help her, I also want her to feel guilty for what she has done for me. I don't want to care that she believes she has a clear conscious regarding me, and doing nothing to stop her son from molesting me.

    I want to stop caring about making peace with her before she dies. I don't want the same things hanging over my head for the rest of my life like I do my mom and my grandfather. I don't to care that once she is gone, I truly will be all alone in this world. I know that in reality her death won't really change that but the finality of it, the lack of chances for reconciliation scares me.

    So, I want to stop caring now so I don't break when she dies and she has maybe a couple of months at best now.
     
    TexCat, Recovery4Me, digger and 3 others like this.
  8. scout86

    scout86 I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I can relate to some of that. The biggest difference is that I actually didn't care. Which kind of bothers me a little, because what kind of person doesn't care about their own mother? (I actually asked my T that. He said I was lucky. :confused: Not exactly the answer I was looking for.)

    Does it help at all to sort things into piles of "things I can change" and "things I can't change"? Because, obviously, you can't change how she sees anything.
    That one right there....... I handled that by deciding she was a grown up, she could make her own choices. I said I was as available as anyone wanted me to be. No one wanted me to be available, so I decided to do them a favor by not disturbing their lives. (In the process, I gave them someone to complain about, because, once again, I wasn't doing the 'right' thing.)

    I didn't go to her funeral and the only thing I actually feel is relief. (Not going to the funeral gave my brother the narc something to rail about too. :p)

    I'm not sure how you change how you feel about things. I think I decided, a long time ago, that I was never going to be ok, as far as she was concerned, but that I didn't need her. That's one of the earliest things I can remember thinking "I don't need them, I'm fine all by myself." It's been true. I'm not totally sure it's the BEST approach.......

    So, maybe it's ok that you care. It means you're a normal human being who had the ability to attach to even a miserably dysfunctional mother. You were a perfectly good child, she just didn't have to ability to appreciate that. That's her loss. In the end, I think the real narcs of the world are the ones who miss out. They never actually have two way relationship with anyone. They aren't capable of it.
    There are a lot of important relationships in this world that don't depend on biology. And, you're right, her death won't really change anything. If she's a narc, there really isn't a possibility of a reconciliation anyway.

    I guess I'm rambling. LOL Don't really have an answer, for you, I guess. I think 'caring' is probably ok. Feeling guilt or responsibility for things that were always beyond your control? Not so much. :hug:
     
  9. Rain

    Rain Most people long for love and acceptance Premium Member Generous $250+

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    @Fadeaway I understand what you are saying and feeling too. I still love my daughter even though she has been so evil against me and like you the Trauma bonds are what is the source of the guilt which is really false guilt. I think you are spot on about the unattaching of unhealthy attachments to your mom.

    I feel so for you in wanting the love of your mother, because you do love her. I loved my Narc mom and she hated and resented me and only gave me crumbs which probably served her in some way. My mom has been dead since I was nineteen years old so I have more than enough time to grieve over her and heal from her death.

    I hear you about the concept of becoming an orphan when Your mom does die. These are all pretty heavy duty ideas to have to come to terms with. But it is only natural for you to love your mom and only want some love back from her. It means the death of so many hopes and dreams you may have of the two of you.

    My heart goes out to you because I do not want to care anymore either. I am just now getting in touch with the Narc abuse of my mom and dad. I am getting a lot of memories and yes it is going to hurt like hell and the dulling of the pain and hurt comes later on down the road for me, and maybe for you too.

    You are not alone even though you may be feeling the most alone you have ever felt before and it is only natural to be scared as well. Death and dying is scary, top that with this is your parent, and it makes for so much grief. I do understand all of your I do not want to care anymore.

    What helps me the most is when I feel something I vent it out I sit with the pain and express how I am feeling and a little more of their poison comes out of me. I do not know so much about your story and if you feel like talking about it I will listen and hear and believe you. So go ahead and grieve, you earned your right to it. You will someday come out of all of this pain and hurt and anguish and start to feel better. I am sorry that it seems to be crashing down on top of you right now and the weight of it must be absolutely crushing your poor heart.

    You deserved to be loved by your mom. It was not your fault that you had a very lousy mother. It was not my fault that I had a very lousy mother either. I encourage you to start a diary after you are done with this thread and get the support that you really need to get through this time of sorrow. YOU are not alone. Like I said, I live alone and have no family left anymore and it is a daily battle to hang on to the love and the truth. I so want to not care about any of it anymore too. I really encourage you to use this thread and express all of the poison you are able to. It is hard to do, and it is so painful to feel the feelings and just allow them to be, but they do pass and I can honestly say that it is getting somewhat easier because I have vented out so much. It still kills me but I know that this is temporary and healing and recovery will come to me. Just do not give up on yourself because you are so worth fighting for.:hug::hug::hug:
     
  10. Fadeaway

    Fadeaway I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I am sorry, I didn't specify, this is my mom's mom, my mom killed her self along time ago. My grandmother raised me. She was very resentful that she got stuck with me

    So quick run down on my story. My mother was a junkie. I was removed from her custody when I was 5 and sent to live with my grandmother and step grandfather. I think my moms step dad meant well, but for my grandmother it all about the praise of taking in a troubled child no one else wanted. Of course behind closed doors it was all about how unfair it was that she got stuck with the burden of raising me. why should she be forced to raise someone elses child when she was done raising her own. And of course the "if it weren't for me, you would be on the streets right now because nobody wanted you." The threat of putting me back on the streets was a constant fear.

    My mom committed suicide but I wasn't really bonded to her. I just don't want that guilt again.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2017
    Recovery4Me, scout86 and Rain like this.
  11. scout86

    scout86 I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I had a lot of conversations with my T about "feeling guilty for not feeling guilty (or anything else)" towards the end of my mother's life. He frequently asked, "Do you honestly think there's anything you can do or say that's going to produce a different outcome this time?" There wasn't. Which was his point. It's kind of hard to live with the idea that you can't "fix" something when you both want to and were raised to think it was your responsibility. (That was kind of the deal. "If you can just get it 'right', this time will be different." Except that the first rule of the game was "You can never get it 'right', no matter what.')

    You've got nothing to feel guilty about. You had no choices as a kid. I'm sure, like everyone, you did the best you knew how at the time. The way I hear it told, a 'normal' caregiver notices that, acknowledges it, and encourages it. Your grandmother didn't, probably because she's not capable of it. Now? I'd say give her what she apparently wanted and leave her alone. Sorry you didn't get a better deal in the parent lottery!
     
  12. Rain

    Rain Most people long for love and acceptance Premium Member Generous $250+

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    @Fadeaway it does not matter what your story is because the victim is you and you have a right to all of your feelings and thoughts, I think. Take it as slow or as slow as you need to sort through everything that you now think and feel. Know that you are not alone. You have so many supporters here for you now. You will not be able to heal alone because we are all human and you have suffered and endured so much pain and agony. I hate what has happened to you. I am sorry but this is how I feel. I am not sorry after all. You deserve to have love in your life and like Scout said so many good things that I agree with, You had a lousy family, and it is up to you to take the best care of you that you can now. No one can take better care of you than yourself. This is my opinion and it is what it is. Please think about this okay? :hug:
     
    Recovery4Me, shimmerz and Fadeaway like this.
  13. SheilaKathy

    SheilaKathy Committed Christian Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    I pulled the plug on an online friend. That was a lot easier than it would have been if he was in my life for real. Even so, It has been tough. I unfriended him on FB, blocked him from emailing me and left a group online that we both were a part of. My pastor told me to try my best to keep my mind off of him and everything that happened. That is like trying NOT to think of a white elephant. It does not work very well. If we could control our minds completely, well, we would not need mental health therapists nor the meds we get prescribed. We would not need this Forum even! But I do try. If my mind wanders to him, I try to think of something else. It is not easy, but it is like changing the subject while in a conversation. It works sometimes.

    Maybe taking up a hobby or trying to make some new friends in a different kind of group might be of help? You need to fill the TIME you spent with them with healthy activities and people. Good luck!!!
     
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