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Cutting Ties With Family

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I've been feeling like being in contact with my family isn't a good idea for me. Some back story first of all:

I was raped and abused by my dad for a number of years. My mum would let the abuse happen, she'd let him kick me to the ground, punch me, pull my hair, etc., and did nothing to help me. When I was 12 I told her about the rape. She did nothing for 3 years. My grandmother then blamed me when she found out, which angered me. She said I should have told someone, and they could have helped, even though she would see the bruises and cuts on my body before she found out. Something like that couldn't possibly be my fault.

I was sick a lot as a child too, constant chest infections, sore all over my body, finding it hard to breathe. She said if I went to the doctor, I'd end up being put in a mental home. My health got worse over the years, and I've recently discovered I may have Cystic Fibrosis and a mild case of arthritis. I told her this and she said "Oh yeah, I meant to tell you you could have that, we never got you checked." I ended up in hospital recently and she yelled at me on the phone, asking me why I didn't tell her. I told her it was because she always stopped me going to the doctors, which she denied.

I live with my fiance now and we've had a couple of fights, but what couple hasn't? My mum has told me he's not good for me, I'd be better off alone, he controls me, etc. None of these are true. He has helped me so much since we got together. He deals with me having depression, and PTSD, and anxiety. He's not ever given up on me. She has.

She told me I had to go to Uni to study something she thought would be best for me, despite me wanting to pursue Journalism, which she knows is my dream. I've been writing all my life and wanted to do it professionally, but no, she thought Business Management would be right for me. I gave in, since she said that I go by her rules since I lived with her. I told her I would apply but I'm going to London, which is another dream. She said no, it has to be my home town. I was so annoyed, I couldn't even choose where I lived! She said if I wanted to stay living there, even just for the time being, I would do as she says and apply for local Universities. I did, but also a few more out the way. She cried over that and cried to my stepdad, saying I just wanted to get away from her and I was betraying her. I had no choice but to go to a near enough local Uni.

When it came to me wanting to move out for Uni, that was a no too. I told her I wanted to get the full experience, and applied for accommodation anyway. I did the course for a year and told her I hated it; I wasn't enjoying it and dreaded going. She told me to give it another year. I refused and withdrew, to which she didn't speak to me for weeks. My stepdad is constantly on her side about these issues.

When we have an argument, I'm always in the wrong...even if I'm right. I always end up apologising and doing what she says anyway, no matter what. Even if her choices make me unhappy. She says she loves me and wants what's best for me. I feel like I have a form of Stockholm Syndrome and that it would be best to cut all ties, but I won't let myself. It's like I crave her approval but also hate the decisions she makes me do.

I know I'd probably better off not speaking to my family since they're like this, but I'm afraid they'll judge me and make me feel guilty for it, like they've done my entire life.

I just want to know I'm making the right choice...especially since, aside from moving in with my fiance, this is one of the first choices I've made alone.
 
I'm so sorry you have such a sh*t family. Sorry, you do though! Escaping to university, even though I never really wanted to go has been great for me. Not for the course, not for the education (heck I don't even like it) but just as a means to escape and set myself up living somewhere away from my family.

I'm glad you've been able to escape and live with your fiance, he sounds like a nice guy and I'm happy you've found some stability and love. Are you still in your hometown? If you are, it would be difficult to cut all ties. Maybe if you haven't already, that's something to talk to your fiance about?

I think you know what the answer to this is, and hopefully my response will be the validation you need. I agree, I think you're better off without them.
 
I feel like I have a form of Stockholm Syndrome
You know, I never thought of it like that, but you might be on to something. Seriously!

I'm in a similar situation, although not quite as extreme. It's hard.

I don't think you'd be making a WRONG choice by cutting ties. Or at least severely restricting them. You certainly don't OWE your mother anything. You definitely have the right to be the person you are and live the life you chose. She isn't doing anything at all to help you grow to be the very best version of "You" possible. Quite the contrary. I can't see any reason for you to keep trying to have a relationship. Can you? I doubt she's going to magically change and become the kind of mother you should have had. (Much as we all might wish for that!)

I've had similar conversations with my T. As far as that
they'll judge me and make me feel guilty
goes, like you said, they're doing that anyway. When I mentioned wanting to do "the right thing" my T reminded me that part of my mom's deal is, by definition, I CAN'T do "the right thing" anyway, so what's the point in trying get it right in HER eyes.

Good luck with this. I know it isn't easy!
 
I'm so sorry you have such a sh*t family. Sorry, you do though! Escaping to university, even though I never really wanted to go has been great for me. Not for the course, not for the education (heck I don't even like it) but just as a means to escape and set myself up living somewhere away from my family.

I'm glad you've been able to escape and live with your fiance, he sounds like a nice guy and I'm happy you've found some stability and love. Are you still in your hometown? If you are, it would be difficult to cut all ties. Maybe if you haven't already, that's something to talk to your fiance about?

I think you know what the answer to this is, and hopefully my response will be the validation you need. I agree, I think you're better off without them.

I'm living about an hour away, which does make things a lot easier. I can usually come up with excuses for not coming over if I don't feel like putting up with the complete stress they give me.

I've been talking to my fiance about it and he agrees that cutting ties might be the best option. I spent time with his mother recently and she treats me as if I'm her daughter and I've never known how that feels before; to have someone who asks how I am, supports me and gets worried and upset when I'm in hospital. I don't think my own mother can give me the love and support I've always craved.

Thank you for your input. I'm glad you've managed to escape too!
 
You know, I never thought of it like that, but you might be on to something. Seriously!

I'm in a similar situation, although not quite as extreme. It's hard.

I don't think you'd be making a WRONG choice by cutting ties. Or at least severely restricting them. You certainly don't OWE your mother anything. You definitely have the right to be the person you are and live the life you chose. She isn't doing anything at all to help you grow to be the very best version of "You" possible. Quite the contrary. I can't see any reason for you to keep trying to have a relationship. Can you? I doubt she's going to magically change and become the kind of mother you should have had. (Much as we all might wish for that!)

I've had similar conversations with my T. As far as that

goes, like you said, they're doing that anyway. When I mentioned wanting to do "the right thing" my T reminded me that part of my mom's deal is, by definition, I CAN'T do "the right thing" anyway, so what's the point in trying get it right in HER eyes.

Good luck with this. I know it isn't easy!

I have tried so many times to keep a relationship with my mother but I just honestly don't believe we'll ever have a proper mother-daughter relationship. It's a shame to have to admit that, but when it's this stressful, I suppose it's not worth the hassle anymore.

You're right, no matter what I do, I'll be made to feel guilty. I should be living my own life without needing her approval of everything I do.

Thank you so much!
 
Yes, they WILL judge you and yes, they WILL try to make you feel guilty....BUT, is that any reason to stick around them?

I'm dealing with the guilt thing with my mom and nobody understands my struggles. I just have to stick with it and hope it all turns out well in the end. I decided to cut her out of my life. She's already done enough damage, and that doesn't seem to matter to anyone else. Knowing deep down you're doing the right thing is justification enough. Stick with it.
 
Yes, they WILL judge you and yes, they WILL try to make you feel guilty....BUT, is that any reason to stick around them?

I'm dealing with the guilt thing with my mom and nobody understands my struggles. I just have to stick with it and hope it all turns out well in the end.

Thank you for your reply, it's so nice to have this kind of support I never had before.

I really hope things go well for you too! You're definitely so right, having people make you feel like this isn't worth being around them.
 
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I'msorry to hear that but know you're not alone. Leaving my family for good next fall!

Thank you, good luck to you too! I hope everything goes really well when you cut ties also. So nice to see everyone sticking together and supporting each other through these hard times.
 
You don't have to be afraid they'll judge you & make you feel guilty...
You know they're going to judge you and make you feel guilty...
Whether you do as they ask, or not.

Since they're going to judge you & make you feel guilty whether you chase your own dreams or follow theirs... Why not simply do what you want to do?
 
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