ThroughMyEyes
New Here
I've been feeling like being in contact with my family isn't a good idea for me. Some back story first of all:
I was raped and abused by my dad for a number of years. My mum would let the abuse happen, she'd let him kick me to the ground, punch me, pull my hair, etc., and did nothing to help me. When I was 12 I told her about the rape. She did nothing for 3 years. My grandmother then blamed me when she found out, which angered me. She said I should have told someone, and they could have helped, even though she would see the bruises and cuts on my body before she found out. Something like that couldn't possibly be my fault.
I was sick a lot as a child too, constant chest infections, sore all over my body, finding it hard to breathe. She said if I went to the doctor, I'd end up being put in a mental home. My health got worse over the years, and I've recently discovered I may have Cystic Fibrosis and a mild case of arthritis. I told her this and she said "Oh yeah, I meant to tell you you could have that, we never got you checked." I ended up in hospital recently and she yelled at me on the phone, asking me why I didn't tell her. I told her it was because she always stopped me going to the doctors, which she denied.
I live with my fiance now and we've had a couple of fights, but what couple hasn't? My mum has told me he's not good for me, I'd be better off alone, he controls me, etc. None of these are true. He has helped me so much since we got together. He deals with me having depression, and PTSD, and anxiety. He's not ever given up on me. She has.
She told me I had to go to Uni to study something she thought would be best for me, despite me wanting to pursue Journalism, which she knows is my dream. I've been writing all my life and wanted to do it professionally, but no, she thought Business Management would be right for me. I gave in, since she said that I go by her rules since I lived with her. I told her I would apply but I'm going to London, which is another dream. She said no, it has to be my home town. I was so annoyed, I couldn't even choose where I lived! She said if I wanted to stay living there, even just for the time being, I would do as she says and apply for local Universities. I did, but also a few more out the way. She cried over that and cried to my stepdad, saying I just wanted to get away from her and I was betraying her. I had no choice but to go to a near enough local Uni.
When it came to me wanting to move out for Uni, that was a no too. I told her I wanted to get the full experience, and applied for accommodation anyway. I did the course for a year and told her I hated it; I wasn't enjoying it and dreaded going. She told me to give it another year. I refused and withdrew, to which she didn't speak to me for weeks. My stepdad is constantly on her side about these issues.
When we have an argument, I'm always in the wrong...even if I'm right. I always end up apologising and doing what she says anyway, no matter what. Even if her choices make me unhappy. She says she loves me and wants what's best for me. I feel like I have a form of Stockholm Syndrome and that it would be best to cut all ties, but I won't let myself. It's like I crave her approval but also hate the decisions she makes me do.
I know I'd probably better off not speaking to my family since they're like this, but I'm afraid they'll judge me and make me feel guilty for it, like they've done my entire life.
I just want to know I'm making the right choice...especially since, aside from moving in with my fiance, this is one of the first choices I've made alone.
I was raped and abused by my dad for a number of years. My mum would let the abuse happen, she'd let him kick me to the ground, punch me, pull my hair, etc., and did nothing to help me. When I was 12 I told her about the rape. She did nothing for 3 years. My grandmother then blamed me when she found out, which angered me. She said I should have told someone, and they could have helped, even though she would see the bruises and cuts on my body before she found out. Something like that couldn't possibly be my fault.
I was sick a lot as a child too, constant chest infections, sore all over my body, finding it hard to breathe. She said if I went to the doctor, I'd end up being put in a mental home. My health got worse over the years, and I've recently discovered I may have Cystic Fibrosis and a mild case of arthritis. I told her this and she said "Oh yeah, I meant to tell you you could have that, we never got you checked." I ended up in hospital recently and she yelled at me on the phone, asking me why I didn't tell her. I told her it was because she always stopped me going to the doctors, which she denied.
I live with my fiance now and we've had a couple of fights, but what couple hasn't? My mum has told me he's not good for me, I'd be better off alone, he controls me, etc. None of these are true. He has helped me so much since we got together. He deals with me having depression, and PTSD, and anxiety. He's not ever given up on me. She has.
She told me I had to go to Uni to study something she thought would be best for me, despite me wanting to pursue Journalism, which she knows is my dream. I've been writing all my life and wanted to do it professionally, but no, she thought Business Management would be right for me. I gave in, since she said that I go by her rules since I lived with her. I told her I would apply but I'm going to London, which is another dream. She said no, it has to be my home town. I was so annoyed, I couldn't even choose where I lived! She said if I wanted to stay living there, even just for the time being, I would do as she says and apply for local Universities. I did, but also a few more out the way. She cried over that and cried to my stepdad, saying I just wanted to get away from her and I was betraying her. I had no choice but to go to a near enough local Uni.
When it came to me wanting to move out for Uni, that was a no too. I told her I wanted to get the full experience, and applied for accommodation anyway. I did the course for a year and told her I hated it; I wasn't enjoying it and dreaded going. She told me to give it another year. I refused and withdrew, to which she didn't speak to me for weeks. My stepdad is constantly on her side about these issues.
When we have an argument, I'm always in the wrong...even if I'm right. I always end up apologising and doing what she says anyway, no matter what. Even if her choices make me unhappy. She says she loves me and wants what's best for me. I feel like I have a form of Stockholm Syndrome and that it would be best to cut all ties, but I won't let myself. It's like I crave her approval but also hate the decisions she makes me do.
I know I'd probably better off not speaking to my family since they're like this, but I'm afraid they'll judge me and make me feel guilty for it, like they've done my entire life.
I just want to know I'm making the right choice...especially since, aside from moving in with my fiance, this is one of the first choices I've made alone.