I have been wanting to post about an impending visit from my mother since she announced she was coming a year ago. Maybe I will still be able to do so in more detail. Dread and confusion are the two emotions that have dominated my feelings
She did come and I am near the end of the 4+ weeks visit. It's gone a bit better than I expected (major confusion and pain about that) and unsurprisingly I am the most unwell I have been in a good while. She triggered me this afternoon and I am still trying to find some sense of equilibrium after. I am still very nervous about what the last few days could bring. Looming departure dates tend to encourage people to start conversations and that could be bad news. For once I said something and am left feeling like a faulty overreacting broken person. Self hatred intense and toxic.
I probably shouldnt have let her come. I stopped her last attempt 3 years ago. I caved to the guilt tripping and accusations of family members and the this-may-be-your-last-chance messages. Self doubt fuelling the whole thing. Self doubt that hasn't lessened now. It feels like I was damned no matter what I could have done. And I somehow have to keep semi functional as I have big important decisions coming up. I just can't seem to find that space of seeing what boundaries I need and balancing what is fair on others. Or judging what is my overreaction due to being triggered and what is legitimate.
She did come and I am near the end of the 4+ weeks visit. It's gone a bit better than I expected (major confusion and pain about that) and unsurprisingly I am the most unwell I have been in a good while. She triggered me this afternoon and I am still trying to find some sense of equilibrium after. I am still very nervous about what the last few days could bring. Looming departure dates tend to encourage people to start conversations and that could be bad news. For once I said something and am left feeling like a faulty overreacting broken person. Self hatred intense and toxic.
I probably shouldnt have let her come. I stopped her last attempt 3 years ago. I caved to the guilt tripping and accusations of family members and the this-may-be-your-last-chance messages. Self doubt fuelling the whole thing. Self doubt that hasn't lessened now. It feels like I was damned no matter what I could have done. And I somehow have to keep semi functional as I have big important decisions coming up. I just can't seem to find that space of seeing what boundaries I need and balancing what is fair on others. Or judging what is my overreaction due to being triggered and what is legitimate.