• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Damned If I Do And Damned If I Don't. Mothers Visit.

Status
Not open for further replies.

Abstract

MyPTSD Pro
I have been wanting to post about an impending visit from my mother since she announced she was coming a year ago. Maybe I will still be able to do so in more detail. Dread and confusion are the two emotions that have dominated my feelings

She did come and I am near the end of the 4+ weeks visit. It's gone a bit better than I expected (major confusion and pain about that) and unsurprisingly I am the most unwell I have been in a good while. She triggered me this afternoon and I am still trying to find some sense of equilibrium after. I am still very nervous about what the last few days could bring. Looming departure dates tend to encourage people to start conversations and that could be bad news. For once I said something and am left feeling like a faulty overreacting broken person. Self hatred intense and toxic.

I probably shouldnt have let her come. I stopped her last attempt 3 years ago. I caved to the guilt tripping and accusations of family members and the this-may-be-your-last-chance messages. Self doubt fuelling the whole thing. Self doubt that hasn't lessened now. It feels like I was damned no matter what I could have done. And I somehow have to keep semi functional as I have big important decisions coming up. I just can't seem to find that space of seeing what boundaries I need and balancing what is fair on others. Or judging what is my overreaction due to being triggered and what is legitimate.
 
I think that the fact that you have kept yourself "semi functional" during her visit is HUGE!!!!! Give yourself some credit, pat yourself on the back, and try to understand just how important this is and how huge of a step it is.... Now you just need to find a way to stop all of those that guilt trip you into doing things you don't want to....
 
Thank you @She Cat
I'm very bad at discussing what is happening in my life with others. I guess being able to do it to an extent is a huge step forward. Trust is probably still my worst area. Can't let others in easily.

Attempting to keep the positive in mind. I have come very far. Just need to somehow survive the next few days. Today I feel like a truck ran over me.

Thank you @shimmerz
Yup, the eternal double bind. It's funny as whenever I feel I am on top of this stuff and my boundaries are rock solid I seem to regress to that pathetic powerless state. That isn't true actually. I would have dissociated it in the past, not realised what was happening when triggered, and only partially processed it months later. I certainly wouldn't have said anything. I wouldn't have even been able to realise what caused what.

Very torn and confused though. Have dreaded this for the last 3 years. Pretty symptomatic.

Appreciate you both. Good wishes to you.
 
4+ WEEKS???????? Holy cow! Never in 100 million years could I have handled 4 WEEKS. 4 days was pushing it!

I don't know what kind of arrangements you've got as far as where she's staying etc. The last visit from my parents, I set them up in a Bed & Breakfast place it was was awesome! She wasn't in my house long enough to find things to bitch about and I had peace in the evening, guaranteed. I also had to work. And it might have looked like I "had to work" a bit more than I actually did.

Good luck with the last few days of the visit! (You're my new hero. I can't believe such endurance is even possible!)
 
I do not know if you are familiar with Susan Frowards books on emotional blackmail, and toxic parents which have been easy reads for me and very helpful to me.

I would not be able to endure the length of the visit you have. I can really understand why you were dreading it.:hug:
 
Sorry guys! I became a bit overwhelmed and couldn't discuss this.
@scout86 That is exactly what has been happening in my brain ever since I knew the plan!!! :eek: For 3 years it has been hovering in the back of my mind all the time and that's without the potential conversation about PTSD that could have loomed up and that would probably have finished me. I have no idea how I have managed to get through as well as I have. Some of it is to do with her being much better behaved than usual. Ironically that is a double edged sword. A relief of course but painful beyond words and confusing. I hope I can post about this all properly at some point. It took her about 3 minutes after meeting her to mention my cousin (one of my perpetrators) when I have a no discuss boundary about him with her. I survived it. Still can't quite believe it. Left very confused and much more symptomatic than I have been in a long time. To be expected. She stayed with me the whole time except 4 days (3 days after she arrived). If not for that I would probably be locked up somewhere. Thank you for answering. You are my hero for having better boundaries than I have. I definitely did the work thing you did and many more little tricks!

@gizmo thanks so much for your reply. Sorry it took so long. I am not familiar with those and will definitely look when I find my brain and can. Easy read is good for me at present! I think I did it out of cowardice and lack of boundaries. I thought I was better at them by now. Regress periodically. I survived thank goodness. Ish.
 
Last edited:
@Abstract so relieved for you and happy that she is gone from your safe place. No worries on getting the books, I think some healing and recovery time for you is way more vital and important for you now.:hug:
 
Glad to hear you survived and she's gone. Ready to lend a sympathetic ear, anytime you feel like writing about it. (Maybe then it's a sympathetic eye?) By all means take a well deserved break!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top