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Relationship Dating A Man With Ptsd

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I'm new here and I read so many posts on this page that gave me hope again..

I met a man online about three months ago. We started texting / talking and got deeper into it very quick. When we're around each other we're very comfortable, but I'm always making sure he's ok with me touching and hugging. He's very affectionate, but he said he adapts. He sees me being very loving, so he's the same.

He told me upfront that he has serious demons and that whenever he sees someone getting closer, he gets distant. That he knows he is capable of loving someone since he's been in a relationship over three years, but it takes time. I understood, because I informed myself about PTSD before I met him. I don't know, it felt right. He says he feels very good around me, but it makes him worry, because he never had the easy path. He became distant with me after a couple days already, I told him he is and he didn't mean it, apologized.

Now it's actually the third time, because we had a fight about a week ago. It was a small thing to me, but a huge reason to shut down for him. He gets irritated fast. Mostly over very small things while big ones don't bother him. He says his feelings aren't gone, but he is at that point where he doesn't believe it anymore. Then he says he could be letting go the love of his life and not knowing it, then he says he needs time. He says he needs time to think and not jump to conclusions which will set us on different paths, but then he says maybe he doesn't want to leave, but a strange feeling is telling him to.

I understood. Since I'm a very emotional person with a bad temper it's hard to be patient, to think rational, to fall back. Whenever I get emotional, I vent to my friends and keep my anger in check. It's not fair of me to go off on him just because he doesn't act the way I want him to. It is something I have to work on and he is the first man in my life that straight up told me I have to check my emotions and my trust issues. That if I would know about his problems, I wouldn't even bother about other women. But I'm still a female and of course I'm scared to lose him.

We texted back and forth, I broke it down for him, but I realized he doesn't talk whenever I send long texts that include his problems and what he is exactly doing here, I can't be his therapist. I need to understand that. He knows he has problems, it's not right of me to remind him more and more. I have to make sure he knows I'm here. I bugged and nagged before I realized I have to relax and educate myself even more, because I know he is pushing me away. I asked if he wants me to let go, stop trying and if he wants me to forget him, he said he doesn't know and maybe.

I stopped asking questions, because getting a serious answer wasn't possible. Only thing I said was that he's always on my mind, but I'm not putting any pressure on him anymore. That I understand he doesn't feel like talking at the moment, but I don't want him to think that I'm abandoning him just because he needs time and space. That I'm not going to leave him. That whenever he feels like talking, I'm here and if he wants to take things very slow, then I'm fine with it.

I'm not leaving him alone completely, I say good morning, have a good day and good night, I let him know when I think of him. It seems like he is ok with it, he answers right away, but I avoid asking questions.

He is in the Military / SF over 10 years now and had a head injury, too. I know I can't fix him or heal him. I know he has to change for himself, when he's ready. All I can do is making sure he knows I won't leave and that I won't betray him. He doesn't think he is a good person, but he has such a sweet spirit and a good soul. It makes me believe in him.

It's hard to be strong, when people around you constantly tell you he is playing games, he is just lying. How can I compare him to an average man, knowing he's been through things. I can't act like he's whole.

I'm scared I lost him completely this time and that he can't bounce back to normal again. I know we're both strong, but still, it's hard at the same time. It's been only three months, but some weird feeling and my heart are telling me to stay by his side. Maybe he will have some other girl some time soon, I don't know. Maybe it's my own trust issues, but I'm trying hard to stay positive.

Thank you for reading and any help is appreciated! ( Sorry if my grammar isn't always right. English isn't my first language! )
 
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Being an older woman, my best advice to you is to go slowly....three months is no time at all to be allowing yourself to stress like this. Take it easy on your emotions until the relationship is further down the line and you know more about each other. Love and trust come in their own time......that goes for everyone, not just Ptsd sufferers. Good luck.
 
Wow. Reading your story sounds sort of like my situation. I reconnected with my first high school boyfriend about 7 months ago. I broke his heart in high school, being young and scared, but we remained inseparable best friends until Senior year when he got a new girlfriend.

Anyway, being reconnected has made me feel like we are where we left off. Yes, we are different people since high school, of course, but he is still the sweet kind hearted person I always knew. We are both 31 years old now and he was the only guy I ever dated that treated me the way I should be treated. We talk almost everyday...for hours and hang out frequently. We act like we are dating, by our actions, but we aren't dating. He doesn't want to put a "label" on our relationship. He has been devastated by multiple relationships from his past...as I have also, but he has combat PTSD, which makes him feel more vulnerable.

He said he is "broken" and may never get better. He doesn't want me to wait around to see if he gets better, but I have always wanted to reconnect with him since we lost touch years ago....and now that I have, I'm afraid to lose him. He thinks the world of me, but doesn't want to hurt me and he doesn't want to be let down and hurt.

I've been reading a lot of things on PTSD and your guy isn't doing anything purposely to hurt your feelings. Our guys can't help the way they feel. Their anxiety is through the roof. My guy also had a brain injury, as you stated. That's when he got released from the military. Trust me, he is not playing games and he isn't lying to you. People may say things like that because they don't know anything about PTSD and how it takes over people's lives. I see the struggles in my friend and can tell he just wants so badly to be normal again. He has had multiple treatments and sees a therapist still.

As long as your man is putting effort into helping himself, I think it's a good idea to be patient. He should be taking the steps to do therapy, if he hasn't already. The longer it is put off, it will get worse. I understand your frustration and trying not to get mad sometimes. That has happened to me. I just remind myself that he doesn't mean it and that he is very vulnerable to getting hurt also. I wouldn't worry about other girls. People with PTSD isolate themselves. My guy said he did that for as long as a month before.

They aren't trying to hurt anyone, they just don't know how to cope as a normal healthy person. If you really care for him, just be patient. See where his progress goes. As for my situation, I'm trying to figure out if waiting is the right option. I love him, but he's telling me he may never have another relationship. I'll be hurt if I let go now, but even more so if it happens later. I'm sorry you are going through this, but know that there are many people who know what you are going through.
 
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All I can do is making sure he knows I won't leave and that I won't betray him.

My first thought is how can you possibly promise this? Please be careful about making promises you may or may not be able to keep. For me that is one of the most damaging things anyone can say to me. "I'll never leave you" is very sweet and romantic but quite frankly it's bullshit. You don't know what the future holds or what circumstances could arise that could necessitate the need to leave. Then through no fault of your own, you'll have broken your promise. If you do care for him, then give him space. Let him take the lead in the relationship and work on your own issues. Why are you so desperate to be with someone you barely know that is not meeting your needs in the relationship? Please keep in mind that this is coming from a sufferer. Everything I've said to you is exactly what I would say to someone trying to date me. I do not approach relationships "normally" and my reaction to the stresses in the relationship might be exaggerated but I do know when I'm pushing someone away out of fear and when I'm just not that into the relationship.
 
Your post really resonated with me, it's been a while since I myself have posted here but a few months back I wrote about a guy I began seeing with PTSD. Through our "honeymoon phase" everything was okay but out of left field he hit me with a question of whether or not I wanted a relationship with him. When I told him that was eventually the end goal he totally lost it and said I was stupid as well as naive for thinking we could make it work, that I had no idea what I was getting into. At that point I gave him his space, and we continued to hang out but were not intimate in any way for a couple of months. Just recently he reinitiated the intimacy and the relationship as a whole. It has been far from easy but I'm learning to guard myself a lot better with him and be less emotional. Overall, I'm an extremely emotional person and it has taken lots of patience as well as time to not take some of his actions personally. I was the type to send him long winded messages about how much I care about him and how I would always be there for him but it just wasn't working for him. Now we've set boundaries and try not to message each other past 9 pm, he told me upfront that I've got to get use to extended periods of time without communication if this is what I truly want. Although this has been extremely difficult to deal with, I cherish the fact that he's giving me an instruction manual of sorts rather than just opting to totally shut me out entirely. I've had to change the way I approach issues with him and I understand that there will be times he hits a rock bottom depression, during this instances he just tells me he needs to be alone and I give him his space. Although the entire situation has been difficult, we're maneuvering as best we can and both putting in effort. I suggest just taking it slow and using this as time to grow yourself because that's one thing I'm thankful for, the growth I've gone through as an individual.
 
I have been dating a vet with PTSD for about a year and six months we have been taking it very slow and have really got to know each other well. He shares a lot with me about his life and what he goes through I can tell that my input is very important to him.

When we first started getting to know each other it was so much fun we really clicked and enjoyed each other a lot. Then we fell in love the I love you's came and the you don't know how much you mean to me etc... I guess this is when I actually started to see the affects of the PTSD he began to act distant sometimes and make plans but not follow through and then the frustration set in on my end.

I felt betrayed and hurt because I thought he didn't love me at all but he always told me he really did. We are so close we know everything about each other but now I see the PTSD more than ever but I had told him that the only way I would leave him is if he cheated which he has not done he is a very loyal man he was a Marine and prides himself in loyalty.

However recently he blew up on me over something I considered small for the very first time he was verbally abusive and it really shocked me he had never done that before he had actually always stressed that he would never disrespect me.

About two months ago he had me go get my ring finger sized and just recently closed on a home and stated I could live with him! I love him so much and I truly believe he loves me but now I have not talked to him since Tuesday and I refuse to reach out I feel he over did it and it was very hurtful. In the past when we have had disagreements we have always worked it out and got back together and he always states you said you'd never leave me unless I cheat but you lied. I try not to be mad at him or break up with him

I actually started researching PTSD to get a clear understanding for myself as well as him. He asked me to go to a therapy session with him in the past but he goes on Friday's and I work all day Friday's! I'm so confused now and I don't know if we will come back from this he usually can't stay away from me more than three days but he has never exploded like that before either!
 
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Rage episodes are very common with combat PTSD. The armed forces take the natural fight or flight instinct and mould it to take flight away as an option. It means that the only way to respond is to fight.

Have you read the stress cup explanation on this site? Its very helpful.

My vet loves me enormously but is often quite verbally abusive. On a good day I can ignore it. On a bad day... sigh!
 
Welcome. I'll share a bit. 3 months is very, very young in a relationship. It's still part of the honeymoon phase so in my eyes, you still have this man up on a pedestal, so to speak. He's gone dark on you 3 times already and has told you he's not sure what he wants. You need to ask yourself, is that what you want? Are you becoming codependent because you "fear of losing him?" I would slow down and REALLY take some time to think this relationship over and what the future may entail given what you are already going through.

PTSD is serious and I got my heart ripped out of my chest and squashed because of it. My guy also has PTSD from his military career (he never went silent on me and was always very sweet and loving). He deployed last April and after he returned, he was initially fine, but then all hell broke loose in his life and he shut me out COMPLETELY. We were together over a year. I was his first love almost 20 years ago and we were very close friends through all the years before dating last year (I even moved to his city). When I say shut me out...he literally stopped all contact and went dark. Never returned my texts or emails and last we communicated was 12/5/15. He never broke up with me...just disappeared...after all this time together. Imagine going through that. That's why I'm telling you my story. However, there are plenty of people who are in relationships with people who suffer from PTSD. People on this forum are great and many manage well with their S/O's, but it really is communication that is the only saving grace for the supporter. That's just my opinion. If my guy would've told me the panic events he was going through etc, and that he needed time and space, I would have understood. Instead, he chose avoidance and that is not something I can handle. I'd understand if it was a few+ days, but it was weeks that lead to months. I've never been so terribly hurt in all of my life. I not only lost a boyfriend, but a best friend.
 
I have been dating a man for 2 years who is in his late 50's, he has PTSD from a military incident which he lost his hearing. He was very engaged in the relationship for the first couple of months, then needed more time alone, working overtime, busy with everything else. He seems to be so rigid and deliberate about all he does, taking a long time to do simple tasks, very obsessive compulsive. This does not bother me and he has even commented that I am the only person he knows that isn't bothered by how he does things. I feel this man's heart and soul, he has the ability and the desire to love, and to love me. There are times he is very expressive about his feelings and other times he goes very dark and distant. I often feel like whenever he pulls me closer to him, he then needs some space, whether it be a few days or weeks and once it was a couple of months. Its been nearly 2 years, and throughout this time, whenever I tried to talk to him, we were able to talk about it, he says he will try and that is fine for me. Then 2 weeks ago, same scenario, we spend a day/night together, he indicates we will get together in a couple of days, then he goes underground. There is no answer to phone/text, and if I do hear from him during the dark days, it is usually a text with an excuse, not a good time, not in the mood for company, working overtime, too busy. Only this time when I tried to talk to him about getting together in a couple of days, (same as in the past), he began yelling in my face, saying he is doing the best he can, he has to work, why am I backing him into the corner and why am I acting like a bitch. He has never raised his voice in nearly 2 years and has never talked to me or referred to me as a bitch. I have been patient, understanding, and always compromising and rearrange my time to when he feels like he could spend time together. I am afraid we have reached a bad place and that his angry response this time is just the beginning of a pattern of dealing with me. Has this happened to anyone else? And what can I do, is there any hope in this situation or would it be best to end the relationship before more abuse? I am really lost...
 
Rage episodes are common with PTSD sufferers. It's really up to you to set a boundary for yourself. Mine is "if he hits me I must leave". I have communicated this to him but the boundary is mine. I can't set boundaries for his behavior. He's an adult.
 
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