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Relationship Dating a person that has ptsd

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Mihai

New Here
Hi, guys! I am new to this and in real need of some advice. I am dating a great woman that I reckon suffers from PTSD. I am from a country from Eastern Europe, so these concepts such as PTSD are not known here.
She was sexually abused, I do not know too much information. After that passed through a marriage that did not end well. She has a kid. After the marriage, of during had some other relations, in agreement with her husband. Some of her conversations with a lover were posted online by a helpful colleague so she was exposed and not a good situation.
After that had 2 relations with married guys. Please do not judge her. As I am not.
At this moment we are seeing each other for about 2 months. I know that she has been in therapy, but not anymore.
One problem is the fact that we can make sex all the time. Which is something that I understand and .I consider that is not such a big problem, but it is for her.

I consider we had a progress: first two times we tried ended up with her storming out or trying to the first time, but I managed to stop her. The first and second time she started shaking like a leaf and I did not know what is wrong. Just after that, she told me being abused.
Third time it was fabulous. Went well. No problems. 4th time she trusted me in telling me she is not ok. We came after 10 days of not seeing each other as she was on a trip and just spent a great evening together, no stress.

The second problem, which I consider more important is that she keeps saying that this will not work, although she admits feeling safe and comfortable with me. And we have days when we speak a lot. Usually, we chat a lot during the day and if times allows us we will end up taking a walk in the evening.
However, it happens almost regularly that she will try to keep me away. Almost like there are two of them inside her. All good yesterday evening, We had what I considered a fruitful conversation where I told her she is the one setting the pace and I am there for her, to listen and to respect her decisions. Well, today in the morning, I received a very cold message answering to mine. And almost had a small fight. Now she is again traveling so we will get back to normal routine next week.

I am reading as much as possible about PTSD as for me it is clear that she has it. Any type of advice is welcomed and most appreciated.

If I was not coherent enough, I apologize. English is not my first language. I am here to give more details, as much as I have them.

Not to forget, we are both mid-thirties.

Thanks!
 
Giving her the lead is a good plan. The relationship has to move at a pace she is comfortable with. Also, reading up on PTSD is a good thing as well.

My advice as a supporter (my partner has PTSD as well) is to just relax. Don't sweat the small stuff. Like if she seems cold some days or needs a little space... Most of the times when that happens it is all about her needing a little space for herself, and you did nothing wrong. Or if, for instance, she is snappish, more than likely her stress cup is overflowing a bit. (The PTSD Cup explanation is worth a read, it's a very clear explanation of what happens during a stress reaction).

It is possible to have a healthy relationship with a partner that has PTSD, it's just a learning curve.
 
Giving her the lead is a good plan. The relationship has to move at a pace she is comfortable with....
Thank you for your answer. I will read your recommendations. And probably will have some more questions. I am trying to relax and not to take it personally, that was an advice I have seen in one of the articles I have read. If you have more resources regarding ptsd and dating a person with ptsd, especially outside of this forum please send me.
 
I'd actually recommend checking out the supporter section here on this forum. It's for people who are in relationships with PTSD sufferers. There are other people here who have partners who have been through sexual abuse. It's good to talk to people who are in the same boat.

After you read about the stress cup, I'd check out this thread : Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?

I'd also recommend the video series bookmarked in the supporter relationship section... it's aimed at the spouses of combat vets, but PTSD is PTSD, and a lot of the advice transfers Link Removed

There are a few helpful books for supporters. The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy by Diane England is a great starter book. It explains PTSD basics, as well as communication techniques and conflict resolution. It's THE go-to book for partners. Along with that, I'd recommend Shock Waves: A Practical Guide to Living with a Loved One's PTSD by Cynthia Orange, which is more about supporter self care.
 
@Mihai Welcome. @Sweetpea76 gives great advice about reading all our stories here in the supporter section. All of us here have gone through something very similar to you. Reading our stories will help you understand what might happen in the future as your relationship progresses. I'm not saying the exact things will happen but, if they do, you'll be mentally prepared for it.

Always feel free to ask questions; no one here will judge you or your sufferer. The wonderful thing about the supporter section is knowing that each of us is not alone as we try to support those we love and care for.

It's also very important to take care of you. Learn how to set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Remember, PTSD is not an excuse for anyone to mistreat you. I wish you and your lady friend well. We are here for both of you.

Take care.
 
Snowflakes and Sweetpea76 I have a question that bothers me.

As till now, I was the one initiating the conversations all the time. As I said we do chat a lot, our jobs allow it.
Sometimes I feel that she is not into it, but in the same time if I dont do it we would not speak. What does it mean to give space? If I do not initiate conversations she would feel offended and get upset, if I do ... sometimes is not good. This a thin line here and I am not sure where the balance is between it. How to handle this?

And another thing. Last time we met I told her about her having control, that I am here to hear when she wants to talk but not necessarily she has to talk about her trauma. The ball is in her yard. But should I tell her that I am learning about PTSD?
And something that creates a lot of confusion in my head: as we were speaking I asked her to take it easy, we can do it, and I asked her not to think in a negative way. And all was good, she agreed, she was positive about us etc.
Next day in the morning: cold shoulder, "this will never work, I am not normal, you need to see with your life" etc. I did a mistake asking her to speak on the phone, she refused, I insisted and she got upset. How should I handle this type of situations? I am aware that might not exist a correct answer as every person is different, but listening to others struggles might help me.

Thank you.

P.S.
I am reading all the forum and your stories and I am reading on reddit and I will probably order the books you advised me.
 
Insisting on things will upset her. If she didn't want to talk on the phone, or do anything, I'd respect that. People with PTSD have trust issues and need to have their boundaries respected. It is very hard to build up trust with them. I have been with my vet for years and I know he doesn't always trust me. I have never lied to him or done anything to intentionally hurt him, but he has trust issues. All I can do is continue to be trustworthy and hope he'll eventually trust me.

As far as being the one who starts all the conversations, I wouldn't worr about that. She responds. That's the key. If she ever stopped respnosing that's when I'd give her space. Sometimes sufferers go through isolation periods as coping mechanisms. It's something like a reset. They just need alone time. That's when giving them space comes into play.

Pulling away after emotional declarations can happen too. So telling her you'll support her and take things at her pace may have made her happy or emotional, and in turn gave her a stress reaction causing her to pull away. Good stress is stress too.
 
@Mihai In my case, my wife tells me things similar to your lady friend when she says "this will never work" or "you'd be better off without me" During good times she tells me that she says these things because she knows what she is doing to me and doesn't think I deserve to live like this. During bad times she says the same things over again. This is where you will need to learn to not take what she says to you personally. For me that is a difficult thing to do but I've also learned that is probably the most important thing to do.

I have also learned that it is ok to insist that your boundaries be respected even if that means you must walk aware from the immediate issue but you cannot insist she do or say what you want. When you insisted, you mentally pushed her to a place she didn't want to be so she got upset. You asked how to handle that situation. I have learned to try not take it personally, walk away, and give her time and space. What @Sweetpea76 wrote above is what I have been learning to do. So I'm really telling you the same thing and sharing my experiences.

Take care
 
Guys thank you very much for your pieces of advice. I am writing this in tears. I am a wreck.

During these last days things happened. We had to be in the same place(outside the city we leave in), like a team building, but without people knowing that we are together. So yesterday 26th, having accommodation in separate places, like 45 min driving distance, she asked me to go and see her.
I lied to my colleagues, telling them I have to see some relatives that live in the area (I am from here, born here, and showed here the place where I grew up, my grandparents house etc.)
We met yesterday, had a great evening with her very, extremely sweet and this is the message I have received from her after the date:

"Let's move on a somewhere to mountain and get a dog and have a house with enormous windows and a room with a fireplace, where you make me massage in the evening while you tell me all will be ok,and that we do everything as slowly I want, and we have a great non-relation(in joking mode we say we have a non relation, as we try to keep it secret...as she wants), and another room, with all the ceiling in glass,to se the stars, and fill it with books and a cradle in which to read and write. And with a huge kitchen where you can cook for me and a huge salon in which to dance alone and sometimes rarely, to have parties."

This message was yestarday ( friday)

Today, Saturday, we went for a walk with colleagues in the forest. Meaning: I met her son. And she saw me taking care of one of my colleagues kids. and kids liking me.

Aftter the walk in the forest with the kids and my colleagues, she, as she stays in another place send me a message saying:

I will come today to see you again, and to see the team again and if not she will see me tomorrow lunch time. I said ok, she can come and see me and then meet tomorrow again.
Next message: I am not coming, and tomorrow I am heading early towards the capital city and will no see you. these were all inside 5 min of chatting.

I said ok, we dont have to see each other today, butas you go for a car ride, let me know when you get back please. the answer was no.
I asked her to tell me somthing just if something goes wrong with her car ride and she send me this:

"I'm always safe. I've been like this until two months ago, until you knew me, you know? I'm safer when I'm alone. And I like to be like that. And anything that comes close to be us, although for a few seconds, minutes, seems that i am happy, that sounds normal for a nornal life, it gives me a very bad state of rest. I realize that any form of attachment starts to make me feel bad, scares me and I refuse it. My natural condition is the only one, it's perfect when there's nobody in my life when I say nothing about me. Dont get upset with me, you already knew this about me. I've spent a lot of time these days dreaming on things and I know I can not and I do not want to have them. I do not want them. Anyway. I really need to take my life off and be with my life. I will never be happy in two, any man beside me is the same, unhappy. Now I'm just going to walk around, I'm not writing that I'm not stopping the car anymore. I do not want to talk about it because we discussed and replied so far. Enjoy those people around you and this night that's still beautiful. Good night!"

Now please, tell me what to understand. Yesterday , Friday, I had the best date ever with her telling me whilst with her that she likes me and she misses me. Today ... we spent the morning together, with others, with her son, all went good, she send me a message that she comes over to see us where we are accommodated as she wants to see me more, 5 min later she says: no, I don want to see you and then the message i quoted.
 
Yup. The closer you get the more it scares her and the harder she pulls away. Not much you can do excep...

Is there anything I can do to minimise the roller coaster?

@Snowflakes I cant find your story, can you please share it with me? It helps me to understand that there are other people passing trough this and manage to have a normal life. Or as much as possible.

At this moment she told me that I like her just because we cant be together. She told me she loves me, and i quote: "as a friend, I dont know, in my own way, as much as I can".

My intention is to have a talk with her, keep it on the positive side and try to make her understand that I am here for her. Not judging and no pressure.
 
@Mihai My story isn't really unique. I think all our stories are variations of a theme. This is how we know we are not alone here. Head over to the Supporter Diaries subforum to the Supporters area, there you will find all our stories. Mine is in there but all of our stories are important. The stories evolve as we learn and, in many cases, as we heal. And it's a process. Im still learning today just as you are. Living with a person with PTSD is tough and has been described as being on a roller coaster or walking a tight rope over a lion cage but it can be doable and it can be rewarding for both the sufferer and the supporter as both grow.

I think, as supporters, we can manage to have a normal life because we have the power to define what is normal within us. That notion is not easy, it requires learning new coping skills. In a very real sense, this forum saved my emotional life by teaching me coping skills, showing me that I am not alone here, and making me understand that my own therapist had become necessary.

Finally, I think you have good intentions but temper those intentions by being flexible with her needs. Take care.
 
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