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Relationship Deeply Worried

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jr415

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Hi,

I'm greatly concerned and new to having a partner with ptsd. My relationship is reaching a dangerous point because my partner who suffers from ptsd is starting to hurt me and its causing my patience to be short at times now. She faced different types abuse from past boyfriends and friends. What really is starting to hurt me the most is I noticed she is sort of retaliating whats been done to her on to me. Can anyone help with ways to best handle this. She is also very sensitive so any amount of discomfort can cause her to have panic attacks. I was wondering if anyone can provide things i can do or say during moments like this? I'm sorry sorry if I'm lacking information or form. This is actually my first forum in general. I'll be glad to respond to any questions or listen to comments.

Thank you
 
This sounds very similar to my situation with my boyfriend. Sometimes I lash out at him and have panic attacks. Most of the time I don't realize that I am since it happens so often I'm used to it. I would say if your relationship is in bad terms this will happen a lot. For me i think the stress from relationship issues triggers my PTSD even more. It's a working progress but if your willing to work on this I suggest that you make her feel more secured in your relationship and fix any issues between you guys. Be more romantic and keep stress level down. Be very patient and understanding but dont allow physical abuse or disrespect. Maybe try couple's counseling too.
 
Hi and welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry that your partner is hurting you. I know that it is tough, but one of the best things that you can do is maintain firm boundaries. Yes, we have PTSD, but that does not mean we have license to hurt those around us. Your girlfriend may very well balk at boundaries, but I assure you it is best for both of you to have them in place. I suggest having a heart to heart conversation with her when you are both in a calm mood. Tell her what behaviors are unacceptable and what you will do if she exhibits such behaviors, ie tell her that she is hurting you and then walk away. If you can't even have such a conversation with her when she is calm, I hate to say it, but she probably isn't in a place where she is ready for a relationship as all relationships require give and take.
 
Thank you for the response. It's sad but i was thinking a relationship is just hurting her right now too. I've tried calmly as possible but even that's just too much. I even tried writing a letter with because she's more comfortable writing and it hasn't been breaking down the communication barrier either. What's unfortunate is she hasn't even been aware of her actions and she said it might be bc I'm the complete opposite of what she had. Do you think couple counseling will help us. I brought it to her attention and she said shes willing. I have already convinced her to personal counseling bc no one in her life supported her really.
 
Hi JR and welcome.

If you think she is flashing back or acting out, gently say her name, ask her where she is now (even if you are right beside her), how old she is, what she is doing, and who you are, keep gently calling her name...

The idea is to get her to ground in the present, rather than reacting to something from her past. If she says something like five or eight when you ask her how old she is, or takes a long time to answer, that tells you both something very important.

Do you know what sort of resources she has available to her in terms of being able to recognize when she is flashing back or acting out? and if she does recognize what is happening, does she know how to begin to ground herself?

There are some good resources up on Pete Walker's site, and in the "vault" on this site

Relationship counselling might not work - unless the counsellor understands trauma, they won't know what the hell they are doing.

Solara is spot on about the importance of boundaries, her abusive boyfriends could well have blurred her boundariess to hell, as part of the abuse. Your keeping firm and well defined boundaries is essential. Do a search here for threads about co dependency, Nicolette did a very good one which unfortunately is now locked so I cannot bump it up to the top of the list.

One of the reasons that people with PTSD isolate, is because when we are alone, we don't get as many symptoms, when people get close to us, the stress cup overfloweth...

When she needs her own company, she'll let you know, she'll isolate.

Does she come to this site?
 
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If she's willing to do couples counseling, then I say go for it. It is a positive sign that she is indeed open to seeking help. If she were completely closed off, I would worry, but it sounds like there is opportunity for improvement in your relationship as you are both willing to work on things. Good luck!
 
My relationship is reaching a dangerous point because my partner who suffers from ptsd is starting to hurt me and its causing my patience to be short at times now. She faced different types abuse from past boyfriends and friends. What really is starting to hurt me the most is I noticed she is sort of retaliating whats been done to her on to me

@jr415, they are right about setting your boundaries. When I first came here looking for help, one of the first things I learned on the supporter forums was a technique for setting and enforcing these boundaries. You do not have to listen to somebody lash out verbally at you. You do not have to tolerate any kind of physical lashing out. If it happens, you will remove yourself from the situation until your sufferer calms down.

When the situation begins to escalate, do not try and engage. Just calmly say "I love you, but I won't tolerate being spoken to like this. Call me when you are calm and ready to talk." Then remove yourself from the situation. Leave, go on a car ride, get out of the house. When your sufferer is calm, she can call you, then you can discuss the matter in a way that is more healthy.

Doing this diffuses the situation. It cannot escalate to a really bad place where damage is done that cannot be repaired. Also, if you do this consistently, it reinforces your boundary. You will not tolerate being the target for aggressive behavior. If it begins, you will leave. Period. You sufferer will eventually learn that her lashing behavior is unacceptable for you.
 
One thing I found tricky is she also has issues with the feeling of being abandoned. So its very hard to feel confident in leaving her alone at times. Thank you for your replies bc I can now see how before I would have fueled it by staying and trying to talk it out first before calming down. I will have to try that more. Another question I have is bc she doesn't like to think to hard on her past there's times I feel honesty or trust can come into play. How can I get the most honesty out of her? Bc there's times she's done things to test our relationship in public out like openly flirting to the point the men will try to engage in contact. I know it links to her past bc one of her exes has done this to her, but sometimes her reasonings dont seem genuine.
 
Hi JR.
Please excuse the long write up which follows

The first "scientific" studies of what we now call PTSD were conducted in Paris and Vienna in the 1880s and 1890s by Jane and Freud, on women who up to that time were described as "hysterical". Both researchers uncovered histories of hideous abuse in their patients pasts.

Freud later fudged over his findings, whether because he got leant upon by wealthy Viennese fathers with hysterical daughters, or because he simply realized thet wealthy fathers were unlikely to keep paying him to see their daughters if he uncovered what those fathers had been doing. Vienna, and every other city, had lots of influential men with "hysterical" daughters.

It wasn't until the 1970s that researchers again actually started listening to abused women, rather than blaming them.

That was right at the time that a third whole generation of young men within a century were returning home with combat PTSD, and they were also generally being ignored.

Although there is a huge amount of commonality between people who get traumatized by military and policing related traumas, and those who suffered childhood abuse, the long term nature of the mind-f*cking that children get, the maleability of their minds at that time and their lack of physical and intellectual resources to defend themselves, mean that many develop what are currently considered to be seperate diagnoses, co occuring allong with the PTSD.

These fell within what Jane and Freud were describing 100 years earlier as "hysteria" . Judith L Herman, has been the most prominant of a group of traumatologists, arguing for a diagnosis of "Complex PTSD", which would once again unite the symptoms described all that time ago, under one diagnosis.

Bear in mind that a psychiatric/psychological diagnosis is an entirely human construct, you can't see it, there's no blood test, no bug that causes it. Even a "chemical imbalance" cannot be tested.

Most "conditions" show a spectrum of more or less of a group of characteristic traits which the "normal people" in this world (all three of them) have too. Somewhere, a line is drawn and people over that line are considered to have the "condition".

If your girlfriend was abused over a long period of time, she could easily have ended up with traits of "borderline" personality, histrionic personality, and / or some degree of dissociative identities (everyone is capable of having two streams of consciousness, some people learned how to take that a bit further). These are all coping mechanisms to get children through abuse and neglect.

Please, if you do suspect that she has traits of something on top of PTSD, go gently with her. Certainly don't "accuse" her of having X, Y or Z!

There is a lot of judgemental shite on the net, about "borderline" in particular. you will get far more helpful information from some of the specialist sites, such as here, and I've found Debbie Corso's sites informative about "borderline" traits.
 
Honestly, that is what I've noticed the longer we've been together. That's why I'm willing to work it out with her and see what her values and morales are after she has seen help so I can gauge if us being together will fit together in general. Sometimes she scares me and i feel bad bc she will breakdown sometimes and speak very nasty and pessimistic about the world and herself. The more and more she has been open to me. I have noticed that she started out with some sort of psychological issue and the events that followed suite just made it escalate. I've just finished reading the article of codependency and it actually reminds me a lot of her situation with her ex. So that has also been an added stress on her. She has also come to a point where she will make scarring events more fun or exciting in her memories to live with them. She also co e to the point where she will blame me for her exes flaws/abuses. But I fell in love with this woman for all her positive and brights characteristics and she tells me the things that would cause me to leave are due to her past. So I made a promise to see her through her healing and growing phase before we made a decision.i always try to go at her pace and comfort level. I wanted to thank everyone again. I just needed some reassurance bc sometimes i feel like i can be alone and clueless on this journey.
 
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