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Dependence On Family

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Kathy, Apr 7, 2007.

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  1. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    I posted this in the private Carers board but got no response, so I hope it's all right to repost in this board. The private board is woefully quiet. I didn't especially want our niece Evie (batgirl) reading this, but I did want some feedback before we move Tuesday morning. We may not be online after that for 2 weeks or longer. We are taking her back to our home in Newfoundland. She's going to be living with us for an indefinite period.

    Evie was completely independent prior to reuniting with us, although struggling greatly. However, since we have come to stay with her, she has become increasingly dependent upon us. She rarely goes out without us, she rarely makes phone calls, she is afraid of being in the house alone, and so on. She is getting much better, but it's still a concern. Now we are moving back to our home, and we live on an acreage. Evie is also afraid to drive a car, so she will not be able to leave the acreage and go into the city on her own. I am very concerned about her becoming even more dependent on the acreage, with no one around except family. At least here, she is in a city and can go out if she chooses, meet with other people, and so forth. On the acreage it will be only the family and the various animals.

    Evie is making great strides in her healing process, and we are extremely proud of her. The doctors agree living with us is the best thing for her at the moment, and we are delighted to have her. To be honest, my maternal instinct wants to keep her with me forever, and my husband is extremely attached to her as well. However she does have to grow up sometime, and we don't want to do anything that will hinder her independence. Do any of you have similar issues with a spouse or family member relying on you too heavily? Are there things we can do to prevent it from becoming a long term problem? Thank you for any thoughts or suggestions in this matter.
     
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  3. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Hmm. No one has answered you Auntie. Is it okay if I answer? :p I feel a little weird but I do have something to say about this. I feel the same way, I worry about being too dependent on you. I think the fact that I'm worried about it is good though because it means that I will work on myself harder. I've already been thinking that as soon as I'm well enough I'm going to need to get over my fear of driving and maybe even get my own car, so I can go places when I want to. And I've been thinking about my future, how long I will live with you, etc. It might be for a couple of years, but I am going to try to be as independent as possible. I'm determined to work hard at it. I think having the job and my own money is going to help a lot.

    Anyways I'm sorry you're worried, please don't be, I have no intention of staying on the acreage for the rest of my life! :)
     
  4. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Well Kathleen I believe you have your answer.

    Jim.
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    I would like to see Evie actually move past her fear of driving, and be exposed to the surreal feeling of having a drivers license, her own car, and the freedome that brings to any person who has both. Evie, its an eye opener to just have the ability to get in your own car, whenever you choose, and just go for a drive if you need. Obviously responsibility comes with that, ie. don't get in a car and drive to get away from an argument, or if your angry and need an out. Car and those situations with PTSD DO NOT mix well...

    Otherwise.... what exactly do you fear from driving?
     
  6. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Well, she called me again so I know she is speaking with people :) I suggested the responsibility of a horse there. I know she may not be physically able to shovel the stall, or pick the hooves, and would need help saddling, but basics I think she could do like grooming and feeding and nice strolls. It will help with independence having responsibility and you are never to quick to turn your back on such big beautiful eyes a horse has.

    Driving... Well, I am a bit freaked by it too so I cannot really give advice except just do it daily once you start so not have the fear wash over you again like it has done me.
     
  7. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Thank you veiled. We are considering the horse.

    Perhaps it is much too soon to comment, but given recent events, the thought of Evie with a drivers license is very frightening to my husband and myself. I suppose this is something we must get past. However at this time we are not anxious to allow her to drive.
     
  8. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Must agree. Don't want to see her behind the wheel anytime soon. However. Suppose that is our problem. Though it is difficult, shouldn't act in ways that will hinder her progress.

    Jim.
     
  9. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Yes, you can't wrap her in cotton wool, because that will only cause negative results and implications to all involved, not bring around positive change. I can understand with recent events why, however; I must say that life is the same as falling off a horse, you must get back on and keep riding, not fear the horse and avoid it. Avoidance causes negative stigma, which feeds PTSD further. To beat our greatest fear is to instil confidence and self growth. Jim, you know this with your training, I have no doubt.

    IMHO... the sooner Evie learns how to drive, the better for her self growth. Her gaining further independence then provides you both further independence, ie. Evie does not have to be dependant upon you both, nor do you both have to feel compelled at times that you must be constantly present to care for her, as she is a grown women now, and whilst ill, she is still capable to care for herself, and has done so to a degree for five years alone, bad choices and all, she is still alive and going forward every day.

    I know this may not be the most appropriate time, but I have never hid this point from anyone here, PTSD is a killer, in more ways than one. People must recognise this, being the sufferer themselves and those around the sufferer, the family and support systems. PTSD can and will kill, and does so every day in various ways when untreated, when uncontrolled. I am shocked that I am alive today.... trust me on that one. Looking back now, I know that I will never stop fighting, but at some of the times I endured, I wanted to be dead, I just failed in that purpose, or wanted to fail more likely... and more extremely lucky I think considering some of the things I escaped and should have died.

    Growth, positive structure to improve ones life, all benefits. The more you grow yourself, the better you become as an individual to help manage your own PTSD. Yes, when I get upset nowadays I no longer get in a car and drive, instead I go for a walk where I can not risk my own life or anothers innocent life at my hands. If Evie is reponsible within herself, I could only think that driving would only benefit her overall IMHO.
     
  10. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Evie being responsible is questionable at the moment. However. Yes. Use the falling off the horse example to my children all the time. If getting a license is this important to her progress, then I will see that it happens, sooner rather than later. Agreed PTSD is a killer. Can't bear another casualty.

    Jim.
     
  11. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    I just wanted to say, I read this post 2 days ago, and it really upset me. Not sure why. But it's one of the reasons I ran away. Anyways just wanted to admit to that before I lost my nerve.
     
  12. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    What is that Evie? Afraid of being wrapped in cotton wool?
     
  13. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Sorry I just quoted the cotton wool part because it was at the beginning. I meant to say the contents of the whole post upset me generally. Just it made me realize more that I am a burden on my family and a total ****ing loser. I dont want them to feel they have to care for me. Part of the reason I ran off was because I felt I would be relieving them of the burden of worrying about me when they should be able to just concentrate on Brian. I am not their real child, just a niece and I am in the way. And yes I am an adult too, really I could be living on my own right now, I have a job and some money so I could support myself. Other people my age are married, have children, etc. Colin even moved out just the other day and he is 5 years younger than me. And the most embarrassing part is I want to live with them right now, I am afraid to live alone. I feel attached to them now, I would miss them, so I want to stay. So that makes me feel like a big baby as well. Sometimes I think I should never have contacted them at all, they would be better off without me. Maybe Brian would still be alive too if not for me.
     
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