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Depression and holidays

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hermione

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I have been so depressed this holiday season...I am just so tired of fighting...i hate the holidays for a lot of reasons mostly because i was abused heavily around those times and parties and what not so all of it is too much i hate just that i want to be happy but i can't...i think about crashing my car or overdosing on my meds i even have fantasies about it and dreams i wish i didn't its like along with my PTSD comes all this other shit i hate how depressed i am and i should be happy I am moving into a new apartment in January but i just don't know how to make it through the rest of this year...and i want to self harm...and i just might because i just can't anymore...my eating disorder is not in control but i am doing better but that at the same time makes me feel guilty but i can't move if i am not doing better that way...so i have to...i hate it all.
 
I planned to flip the script this year and try to somehow outsmart it or stay distracted from it, at least, I suppose, by spreading my own weird flavors of joy. I'm failing miserably. My joy has left the building.

Physical pains/old injuries have halted my plans in many ways, so here I am with way too much time to think about shit, feel shit, and keep processing shit......shit that I long ago got tired of and have been trying to release for decades.

Made an extra appt. with the therapist, kept a dog for a friend that helped soothe the emotions, the hubby graciously intercepted company and entertained them away from our space (thank goodness), and I've been doing every single self-care thing I can think of within my current ability. I'm doing others a favor by interacting less, too. I seem to easily forget how incredibly allergic I am to pain until it comes back in full force.

The longest month of the year in my world. I know in times of deep sorrow it can bring little comfort, but you truly are not alone. I respect and feel your pain. May we all see ourselves through. Hugs to all the hurting hearts who wish to receive.
 
thanks for the support, I called my therapist she didn't pick up and i texted her too...I tried watching a movie it worked to a point I should have journaled but couldn't find the energy and reading is good for me too I just couldn't focus on anything...the pain is too much and my psychiatrist just added a medication to help but i just started it last night so I dont know if it will work as it was taken the first time last night...so it hasn't helped yet to lift my mood at all. i just have to fake it for now i guess...everything is more intense and i am just overwhelmed...sorry you are having a hard time too to both of you.
 
Holidays are something I want desperately to go well but they never do. I am always broke, and full of bad memories, and so deeply tired from yet another long long year coming to an end. My depression cycles have been rough this month. 2017 included a break with a sister who, once I got over the shock that she dropped me, I realize I hate. She's horrible to me. Never dealt with her issues and now she's like my dad, who caused my CPTSD. So it's like your tormentor coming back to life, and it's so scary. I prowl the post office to see if she sent a gift to my household (I sent one to her), I wonder why she hates me so much, and feel horrible. Why do the bad guys get off scot free?
 
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