I have been so depressed this holiday season...I am just so tired of fighting...i hate the holidays for a lot of reasons mostly because i was abused heavily around those times and parties and what not so all of it is too much i hate just that i want to be happy but i can't...i think about crashing my car or overdosing on my meds i even have fantasies about it and dreams i wish i didn't its like along with my PTSD comes all this other shit i hate how depressed i am and i should be happy I am moving into a new apartment in January but i just don't know how to make it through the rest of this year...and i want to self harm...and i just might because i just can't anymore...my eating disorder is not in control but i am doing better but that at the same time makes me feel guilty but i can't move if i am not doing better that way...so i have to...i hate it all.