Hi all-
I was told by my therapist and mother (an NP) that I have (symptoms of) PTSD. I'm not sure if I believe them...I read about it and some of it fits to a T (the numbness, closing off, etc.) The problem is, the experience I am supposedly reacting to is not one that I have heard of anyone else having, so it's hard to compare. And I don't want to jump on the PTSD bandwagon, so to speak.
Here's the story: I grow up...I am daddy's little girl. I totally adore him and put him on a pedestal. He is a respected member of the community; very smart and witty. Wildlife biologist. When I am 18 and he is 49 he dies suddenly...I am told --at first-- that he killed himself. Then, a few hours later, that he had a heart attack, he had just fallen on some wires and it 'looked like a suicide'...and my mom, a licensed medical practitioner, had just been 'confused'. I am told when I get home for the funeral that he had been drunk (No one, even my mom, had ever seen him drink) and they subsequently found hundreds of rum bottles hidden in his workroom in the basement. This about killed me, but I was working through it. I, however, never believed the heart attack story. Everytime I visited home I asked my mom about it. Something was off about it and didn't feel right.
I finish undergrad, take two years off, begin grad school. Always had some depression (and pretty severe OCD), but it begins getting worse. In therapy now (again), I begin a new drug (Effexor) and things are looking up. Then, on the 8-year anniversary of my dads death, my mom tells me that he actually died of autoerotic asphyxiation (masturbation while hanging oneself). She found bondage equipment in the basement, discovered that he had a seperate apartment, etc (this is one month ago that I found out). Since then I have gone completely numb. I sort of sleepwalk through life. I keep imagining what it must have looked like (seeing his body hanging, etc.). But I don't REALLY process it. I don't think about it much. But I am withdrawn, unable to be physical with my partner...
Then my therapist says this is PTSD. It fits, but it's not like I witnessed violence or anything (although my mom thinks my sister and I saw him engaging in stuff when we were younger -- we both have weird issues around sex and she has been having dreams). Pretty much the only times I cry is when I drink (which I have pretty much stopped doing). Then I found out one week later that my mom had cheated on my dad! I thought I had had the "perfect" childhood, despite a myriad of issues (serious trust stuff, fear of losing control, OCD diagnosed in 8th grade, suicidal, cutting, crying and "greying out" during sex, etc)
I feel CRAZY! Can anyone respond to this? I don't want people to say, "oh she's just being dramatic". I have done so much research, but this is such a delayed thing, I feel weird calling what I have PTSD. I feel so lost...
Anyone?
Thanks in advance,
emily
I was told by my therapist and mother (an NP) that I have (symptoms of) PTSD. I'm not sure if I believe them...I read about it and some of it fits to a T (the numbness, closing off, etc.) The problem is, the experience I am supposedly reacting to is not one that I have heard of anyone else having, so it's hard to compare. And I don't want to jump on the PTSD bandwagon, so to speak.
Here's the story: I grow up...I am daddy's little girl. I totally adore him and put him on a pedestal. He is a respected member of the community; very smart and witty. Wildlife biologist. When I am 18 and he is 49 he dies suddenly...I am told --at first-- that he killed himself. Then, a few hours later, that he had a heart attack, he had just fallen on some wires and it 'looked like a suicide'...and my mom, a licensed medical practitioner, had just been 'confused'. I am told when I get home for the funeral that he had been drunk (No one, even my mom, had ever seen him drink) and they subsequently found hundreds of rum bottles hidden in his workroom in the basement. This about killed me, but I was working through it. I, however, never believed the heart attack story. Everytime I visited home I asked my mom about it. Something was off about it and didn't feel right.
I finish undergrad, take two years off, begin grad school. Always had some depression (and pretty severe OCD), but it begins getting worse. In therapy now (again), I begin a new drug (Effexor) and things are looking up. Then, on the 8-year anniversary of my dads death, my mom tells me that he actually died of autoerotic asphyxiation (masturbation while hanging oneself). She found bondage equipment in the basement, discovered that he had a seperate apartment, etc (this is one month ago that I found out). Since then I have gone completely numb. I sort of sleepwalk through life. I keep imagining what it must have looked like (seeing his body hanging, etc.). But I don't REALLY process it. I don't think about it much. But I am withdrawn, unable to be physical with my partner...
Then my therapist says this is PTSD. It fits, but it's not like I witnessed violence or anything (although my mom thinks my sister and I saw him engaging in stuff when we were younger -- we both have weird issues around sex and she has been having dreams). Pretty much the only times I cry is when I drink (which I have pretty much stopped doing). Then I found out one week later that my mom had cheated on my dad! I thought I had had the "perfect" childhood, despite a myriad of issues (serious trust stuff, fear of losing control, OCD diagnosed in 8th grade, suicidal, cutting, crying and "greying out" during sex, etc)
I feel CRAZY! Can anyone respond to this? I don't want people to say, "oh she's just being dramatic". I have done so much research, but this is such a delayed thing, I feel weird calling what I have PTSD. I feel so lost...
Anyone?
Thanks in advance,
emily